Stumpy and the PH
A Work Of Fiction - Not For Those Who Do Not Have A Sense Of Humor
By D.R.Hooker and his accomplice PH

First and foremost, you must have a complete picture of what the two characters are like. They are both crazier than a drunken monkey and that’s seriously crazy. One is affectionately called Stumpy because he only has one foot. But have no illusions, it is not a handicap; he just looks funny when he is running or dancing. It does not hinder him otherwise. The PH is a perfect match - he has a pair of 28 inch long legs and a 48 inch chest. He also has a wonderful haircut that his wife praises him about at all opportunities. His feet that look like those of a Hobbit - you know, wide….very wide and long too. This bit of information will be important later. Both are bikers but only the PH has knuckles that drag on the ground. Stumpy just appears to have his knuckles dragging. Both men love the outdoors and just about everything African.
The children, as the PH’s wife (aka, the Saint) call the two men anytime they were together not only hunting but fishing, riding motorcycles or hoisting a few with their friends. OK! OK! I’m not that big of a liar, Stumpy only has one friend that anyone can find or who will confess to being his friend and that is the PH. This is future proof that the PH is crazy.
Now to the story….The guys have begged and pleaded with the Saint to be released from their disparity of being housebound. They both agree that work sucks so why work when you can go fishing? So in order to retain her sanity the Saint agreed that the children (as she called the men) needed to get out before she lost her self-control and had to tell God they died!!
So with all their body parts still intact and their fishing gear and shot guns in the truck, which is a loose description for the wreck that they drive. What is the reason they need shot guns to go fishing? They for getting the bait - that should be obvious. Doesn‘t everyone use shot guns to get their bait? Yep, the bait is collected with shot guns but that is because the bait is francolins and ducks. Don’t laugh too hard! What would you use as bait to fish for crocs? Yep, fishing for crocs with rod and reel - the children love it and the Saint knows they are both stone cold crazy. OK, there might be a very small amount beer involved….OK…. there is going to be a lot of beer involved but only after the bait had been gathered. As dumb luck would have it, the guys got their bait without firing a shot or even getting out of the truck. They where speeding along the road as usual at about 80 miles an hour on one of Africa’s better dirt roads. Please, I asked you before, stop laughing!! We all know what the good roads are like in Africa or should I call it the straight line full of pot holes?
Anyway to cut a long story short, chickens will work as well as ducks and since no-one was home, no-one saw all the feathers fly. The chickens were not too badly damaged, not that the crocs care about that but the guys did not want too much blood in the truck. Also since the truck bed was one big hole, kind of like the road and the chicken would fall out. So the chickens were in the front floor of the truck with Stumpy and the PH and since the bait was on board, the beer was opened. Twenty miles and one beer stop to increase the beer supply which had become dangerously low, the guys where at the river now. Chairs and tables set up on the bank, a fire started in case someone got hungry, beer cooler within arms reach, chicken on the line, the line in the water and the waiting begins….It is not a long wait – more like it was a two swallow of beer wait. The PH being the more well balanced of the two (which does not mean mentally balanced), grabs the rod and hangs on for dear life. This is a ‘biggun’ as Stumpy would say if he was paying any attention but as usual he was distracted by something very, very important like a bug or a weed or a cloud or the lint in his belly button.
He did look up just in time to see the PH head across the top of the water at mach 12 screaming like a little girl for some unknown reason. Stumpy knew the PH loved to water ski but why was he screaming like that? Wow! His big ol’ feet do work great as water skis! Now I may have forgotten to mention, Stumpy is not the brightest person. In fact, the light may be on but we’re not sure anyone is home, so it took him a few minutes to figure it out. The PH was not having fun water-skiing because there was not a boat out there pulling him up and down the river like Johnny Weissmuller swinging on a vine in a Tarzan movie. Stumpy, not being prone to getting excited easily, kind of just shuffled over to the truck, loaded a few slugs in his shot gun and kind of eased down to the cool box and extracted another beer. The walk had made him thirsty and the PH was not screaming as loud now so he must be starting to enjoy the skiing.
He made his way down to the water’s edge yelled at the PH to bring him in a little closer to the bank this time. Stumpy could not tell what his friend was saying but it was loud and his face was turning really red, really fast. As they went by Stumpy did hear the PH saying, “What the ***k, do you think he has a steering wheel sticking out of his arse? How am I supposed to steer this big ****king croc? Stumpy had a moment of brilliance. Wow, what a great idea! He hollered at the PH to get ready and at that instant he fired a slug in front of the croc that was now going towards the opposite bank. The last thing Stumpy heard was the PH screaming as the croc did a 180 degree turn and headed straight for him. Damn, those big ol’ feet work well as boat paddles…..at least for a while!
Things did not go quite as Stumpy had thought they would at first. Now his friend was beginning to sink into the water and the croc was coming up the bank at slightly under mach 12. It is funny how fast someone as slow as Stumpy can shoot with 10 feet of mad croc coming at him with his mouth open. The old pump shot gun sounded like a machine gun firing. The croc stopped a few feet in front of our now self-appointed hero. All that work shooting had worked up a thirst, so Stumpy shuffled back down to the cooler to get another beer. He was disturbed by the voice on the river bank. The PH was being very descriptive about what he was going to do with his foot and the degree of force needed to accomplish this task.
Stumpy, as usual, was confused. Why was his friend so upset? He must need a beer. He has been skiing for a long time and it was hot. As the PH stumbled out of the water, he was greeted with a cold beer and a huge smile from his less-than-smart friend. After drinking the beer in one long swallow and cussing for a few minutes, he managed to get enough control not to choke his friend to death. Who after all did turn the croc, even if the croc did pass by his rapidly sinking personage way to close for comfort? He was not damaged - he wasn‘t even scratched. He had already checked the important parts and both where still there. After a little more beer the guys where trying to figure out what to do with this big ol’ croc. After all it was not taken quite legally. Then Stumpy had a stroke of genius….. Off they went toward home, all smiles and happy - another great day fishing with great friends. It was late so the children stopped and grabbed more beer and then off to the last stop of the day - the grand finale.
Well before they reached the house where they had collected the chicken bait, they shut the truck off. They unloaded the croc from where they had tied it to the truck and slowly and quietly they placed the croc on the side of the road, walked back and got back in. Then they started off down the road and when they got to the croc, Stumpy jumped out as the PH stopped and he fired a few rounds into the air. As the house owner came out, rifle in hand, to investigate, the guys where standing over the dead croc with a chicken in its mouth. The chicken farmer thanked the guys for saving him from what would have been a catastrophic loss if that croc had got more of his chickens. He offered the guys a beer which they where honor-bound to accept. Besides, having a few with the farmer would help keep them from depleting their supply
The farmer was very concerned as to what a croc was doing so far from the nearest water. At this time Stumpy comes to a great scientific conclusion that this croc’s behavior must have something to do with global warming!! The news, after all, blames everything on global warming so why not this? They were on the road again, after they stopped laughing and got the truck out of the ditch! (It seems the PH can not drive with tears in his eyes and being doubled over laughing at their luck getting away with their little escapade).
The Saint was not pleased to hear the story and the children where punished. NO MORE FISHING WITHOUT ADULT SUPERVISION - PERIOD!! She did not know why they where both smiling. The children had a secret!!! The only adult they knew that the Saint trusts LOVED CROC FISHING!!!

I just gotta wonder who the Ph is........ . Let's see........ wich PH here likes to FISH for Cocs...........