50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
> Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet
> Kiwis are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."
> Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up
> to the stage.
>
> Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?"
> After fufteen or 20 seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!"
> Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis
> start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
>
> Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of
> you un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast
> media here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."
>
> So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"
> After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"
>
> Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh
> - everyone is disheartened.
> Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin to yell and wave their
> hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"
>
> Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage,
> eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance...What uz two plus two?"
>
> Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says,
> "Four!"
> Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump
> to their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...
>
> "GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Send him up. He can go to Texas A&M.

Helen Clarke asked another volunteer

"What do uz git if I guv you sex plus sex?"

The volunteer answered:

"Blinness (ie Blindness), and a filling of seckness. "

Don't you Aussies have schools over there yet. I must say your spelling is atrocious (sorry, big words again, that means bad). Did you know that Prime Minister Howard asked for Carlos Spencer to emegrate (sorry those big words again, move to)to Australia. He thought it would raise the average IQ of both countries.

quote:

Originally posted by Hamish:
Don't you Aussies have schools over there yet. I must say your spelling is atrocious (sorry, big words again, that means bad). Did you know that Prime Minister Howard asked for Carlos Spencer to emegrate (sorry those big words again, move to)to Australia. He thought it would raise the average IQ of both countries.

quote:

Originally posted by Hamish:
Did you know that Prime Minister Howard asked for Carlos Spencer to emegrate (sorry those big words again, move to)to Australia. He thought it would raise the average IQ of both countries.

Yes, very funny and I would have to take my hat off to you except that you had to go and bring that little bastard Howard into the conversation didn't you? That is below the belt and bludy cruel to remind us that that twit has the top job in this country. Maybe if we can swap Howard for Helen then we can quadruple the IQ of the Liberal party in Oz - of course, it would be catastrophic for the IQ of NZ but....who cares!!!! (notice all the big words - I don't know what they mean but, hey, they're fun to use!)

We have had a TV show on Friday's night featuring Kiwi traffic police and what they encounter on the roads doing their jobs.

I can't help it but the accents are amusing.

Milo and Hamish,

Glad you can take a joke.

Kiwis and Australians there all one and the same to the civilised world! They all sound like South Africans to me!

As long as you remember that there is more culture in a small pot of yoghurt than in all of Australia combined you wont go far wrong in life....ay cobba?

Hey NitroX -

you forgot to mention that the people the NZ Police are dealing with on that TV show are all Polynesians without drivers licences , or asian without drivers licences. When was the last time a white person was the suspect ....

Its all filmed in Auckland , the South Pacifics own answer to a small third world nation. The rest of us are way better than them...( I think....)

I had to go ask a Kiwi in the office here at ANZ who Carlos Spencer is. They said that he's some big guy who beats up on Aussies on the pitch (whatever that is).

Bakes wins the National Lottery , and buys a rundown cattle station in the middle of the Oz desert . Hes been there six months on his own, hasnt seen a single other person in that time .

One day he is fencing near the boundary , and away in the distance , barely visible , he spies a guy on a horse . Bakes keeps on digging post holes , every now and then he looks up and the guy on the horse is slowly getting closer . After about four hours the horseman is twenty feet away from Bakes .

"G'day" says Bakes , cos hes a friendly guy and this is the first human he's seen in months . "Howdy" says the horseman , a fat bearded guy with a South Australian accent . "Names John , I'm ya next door neigbour .Thought you might like to come over for dinner one night ."

"Ok" says Bakes , "any particular time ?" " About seven would do ", says the horseman who smells faintly of cheap South Australian red wine.
"I do have to warn you , there could be a power of a lot of drinking" says John , who looks slightly Germanic in his manner of dress . "Fine " says Bakes " partial to a beer or two now and then, and drinking alone isnt much fun ."
"And I have to say , theres likely to be an awful lot of sex as well " says John on his ugly horse. " No worries "says Bakes " its been a fair while since I had a root so that wont go astray at all mate ".

" See you then " says John as he wheels his horse around and starts to leave .
"Hey mate " shouts Bakes as John gets some distance away " what about dress - is it formal or casual or what ?"
"Wear whatever ya fuckin like " calls back John over his shoulder " there'll only be the two of us ..."

I was at the Bay of Islands Yacht Club one night and asked if the name Kiwi came from the Fruit or the Bird.

Two fellows took swings at me and two others tried to kiss me. I never learned the answer. Any one here know?

Do you refer to the Kiwifruit or the flightless kiwi bird ?

The bird has always been called a kiwi from pre-european times , due to its call sound . The kiwifruit ( always called kiwifruit in NZ , never just kiwi ) was originally called a chinese gooseberry , because it originated in China . NZ developed the current strains of them , created the export market , and unfortunately didnt patent the idea . Now your kiwifruit are likely to be grown in Chile or California or somewhere other than NZ.

Is that helpfull at all?

I thought a Kiwi Fruit was a funny male NZer living near Oxford Street in Sydney.

quote:

Originally posted by muzza:
says John , who looks slightly Germanic in his manner of dress .

Sorry not the case. Mein lederhosen are at the cleaners.

quote:

smells faintly of cheap South Australian red wine.

Make that FREE South Australian red wine.

quote:

"And I have to say , theres likely to be an awful lot of sex as well " says John on his ugly horse. " No worries "says Bakes " its been a fair while since I had a root so that wont go astray at all mate ".

Now Muzza, you don't get too excited, its not good for you. You said these were "cattle stations" not sheep stations. Sorry to disappoint.

Careful there John-boy - washing those leather shorts might make em shrink and then you wont be able to squeeze into them again without walking like a resident of Oxford Street in Sydney ( which you seem to have more than a passing interest in , I might add...)

You did like that little story though , didn't you ...?

Stop fantasizing about leather shorts. The only leather garments I own is two Jackets, and some gloves.

Lederhosen are suede aren't they ? Not seen in the Barossa since the kitsch '70's pseudo Bavarianism was phased out. Barossa Deutsch are Prussian and Silesian.

The leather shorts I'll leave for those interested in such things.

***

The story was mildly amusing.

Visions of the Village People there , Johnnie...? Scary stuff my friend.
Dont you have a matching leather handbag as well....

Actually I have a very nice leather "hand-bag".

It is a shotshell holder and so nice a female friend at a shoot once asked me where I got it.

PS I can see you as the "Construction Worker" in the VP.