can't let this pass by without at least a passing involuntary retch, can I? Although, apart from the meat (which, incidentally precludes Brits from giving blood in France because of the risk of infecting the rest of the planet) I agree, English food's not too bad, if somewhat oxymoronic. It's what you island-dwelling maniacs DO with it that beggars civilised belief!

Take for example that staple of the English diet, Sprout paste. Easy to make, just boil a pound of nice crunchy fresh sprouts for several hours and then slop the incriminating evidence onto a plate using a ladle. Goes well with Carrot Corpses and Pea Puree. Yum-yum, I'm sure!

Then we have the delights of Spud Sog. This delightful tickler of the discerning palate can be made with any old potatoes because, once prepared, you’ll never taste any difference. Boiled until semi liquid, the remnants of what was once a perfectly reasonable food item then has the living crepe beaten out of it before submitting to the final indignity of having half a pound of cheap margerine shoved into its flaccid remains. Beaten again until it resembles the consistency of week-old albino sump drainings, it can be easily slopped onto a handy plate before being diluted even further with ‘gravy’. This mouthwatering offering can even be injected with a hypodermic if desired, in order to avoid distraction from that riveting episode of Coronation Street by anything as boring as chewing - God forbid!

I mentioned ‘Gravy’ back there. Actually only Brit colonies and the Home Islands use this stuff – the rest of the world uses ‘Sauces’ – but let’s not nitpick. Instead, let’s look at what ‘Gravy’ actually IS…………..or ISN’T. What it ISN’T is nutritious. There! Easy.

So, there are 2 types, ready-made and ‘Like what Mum makes’.

The Ready Made variety is a heady chemical cocktail that thickens, seasons, browns and poisons, all in one go. Along with the mechanically reclaimed, shredded and desiccated contents of animals’ spines, skulls and scrotal sacs, this stuff has enough E-numbers in it to qualify for a master’s degree in Algebra. It is, however, cheap, and has the useful facility of simplifying nocturnal sandwich making by rendering anything with which it comes into contact faintly luminous. The only reason the UN hasn’t banned it is because of their current workload – however you have to wonder why you can only buy ‘Bisto’ in France with the greatest difficulty, and then only with an International Weapons Permit.

The stuff ‘Mum makes’ is hardly an improvement, due to its components and method of manufacture. The ingredients used will typically consist of the carbonized remains of a hapless piece of unidentifiable mammal that has been subjected to oven temperatures sufficient to melt pig iron. (It’s a little known fact that 19th century Northern English wives of steelworkers would often take pieces of meat to their husbands places of work in order to gently dip them into the Bessemer Converter, ready for that evening’s dinner.) The juices of the meat are forced from the tissue by the extreme heat of the oven, to be instantly charred into a delectable crust on the metallic and glowing dish in which British meat is traditionally roasted (It’s actually Baked, but never mind).

Meanwhile, the water in which the vegetables have been ritually slaughtered has been carefully hoarded and, with the cremated meat carefully removed from its erstwhile sarcophagus, this sickening and biliously green chlorophyll broth is poured into the meat pan where it sizzles appetizingly. The blackened meat deposits are religiously scraped, along with tiny slivers of zinc, an important British dietary component, from the sides of the pan and into the broth where it slowly and reluctantly returns to liquid form once more, aided by further vigorous boiling and, if necessary by putting it through a liquidizer. This foul brew is then poured reverently over the meal, diluting even further the semi-liquid contents of the plate. (This, incidentally, is why English food plates have pronounced rims – to keep the liquid in).

Carving meat Brit style is another interesting and unique reflection on primitive Anglo-Saxon cuisine. In order to ensure that absolutely no moisture remains in the blackened and charcoal-like piece of charred tissue that masquerades as an English Sunday Roast, the unfortunate offering is divided into microscopically thin slices with all the dexterity and finesse of a psychotic brain surgeon. Using an enormous, razor-sharp knife and a massive two-pronged fork that wouldn’t look out of place in the hand of Neptune himself, the English dinner-carver demonstrates levels of skill with cold steel that would make a Samurai swordsman blush with envy and each plate receives its quota of superbly dehydrated meat. This is a ritual as old as time itself.

Finally, as if to add insult to injury, once the unidentifiable flotsam quivering gently on the dinner plate has been gravied, slashed, stirred and salted ……………. The English then eat it off the back of a fork! Only the English do this - the rest of the world takes advantage of the fact that a fork is shaped like a shovel for a very good reason and use it the way its inventor intended. Typically, the English eat their semi-liquid food from this useful culinary tool - but upside down!

This of course is why the English use oversized napkins, wear strangely coloured ties and are completely baffled by the concept of chopsticks.

The above of course applies exclusively to that strange and amorphous race that gave the world the Beatles, Bearskins hats and CJD. The Welsh, Scottish and Irish, as subjugated nations, have historically eaten what’s left over!!!!!!!!!!

http://www.airgunbbs.com/forums/showthread.php?t=59350

Johan,

Please remember that the British Empire managed to conquer 3/4 of the known world eating stuff like that!

Who told you of "sprout paste"??? I have never ever heard of the stuff its certainly not a British stapple...by the way...whats the difference between sprouts and snot? Your kids won't eat sprouts!

And there's nothing wron with mashed spuds either although I prefer butter to axle grease, sorry I mean marg....

You guys don't like "proper" gravy? made from the meat juices of your roast? That is very uncivillized!

No if you want to poke fun a British cooking google: "sweetmeets" "tripe" "braun" or one of my favourites "blackpudding" hmmmmmmmmmmmmm
makes me hungery just thinking about it!

Regards,

Pete

They conquered 3/4's of the known world as a way of getting away from British cooking!

"Please remember that the British Empire managed to conquer 3/4 of the known world eating stuff like that!"

and then lost it all,while still eating that stuff.

Give me a Barbie anyday.

quote:

Originally posted by JOHAN:
Although, apart from the meat (which, incidentally precludes Brits from giving blood in France because of the risk of infecting the rest of the planet)

......


The above of course applies exclusively to that strange and amorphous race that gave the world .... CJD.

Now being a resident of the UK in the CJD era and eating beef as well as other concoctions, I can not give blood in Australia due to the risk of infecting recipients as well.

But I always exhibit sane behaviour so I am not at all worried.


***

Two cows were eating grass in the English countryside.

Mabel, the first cow said to the other -

"Doris, are you worried about this "Mad-Cow" disease ?"

Doris (the second cow) replied -

"Mabel, not at all. I'm a rabbit."


***

Did you know how the Mad-Cow disease infection was eventually fixed?

By infecting the whole countryside by burning foot and mouth infected carcases an spreading airborne spores so the herds had to be killed anyway. Unfortunately some rabbits masquerading as cows may have survived.


***


See! I am completely normal.

Come on Johan.

While not defending "British Cuisine" . Ha ha, that's a contradiction in words, just how many recipes do you have for cold uncooked salted herring and seaweed?

The thread that Johan has posted has an even crazier debate on this topic. I nearly split my sides laughing.

Johan,

you have just described my mum's cooking!! And she wonders why I left home and married a European woman when i was 20!!!

quote:

Originally posted by NitroX:
just how many recipes do you have for cold uncooked salted herring and seaweed?

NitroX

Seaweed? Have you been diving in the plonk tank

Cold uncooked salted Herring is not typically Swedish. Most North Europeans eats herring. In Germany they have herring stands similar to the Pom's fish and chips stands

I've heard about the Central European traditions in Barossa Valley...Try the herring along with plenty of schnapps

Cheers
/JOHAN

Just like grandma??

See? There you all go – scurrying around trying to defend the indefensible. Admit it – if cooking were war, the English race would have stood trial at Nuremberg by now. Your grub’s been Sanitised, Americanised, Sodomised ………….. The wrapping’s more nutritious than the contents half the time. Chuck the food away and eat the packet if you've got any sense – nobody got brain-rot from ingesting Styrofoam.

German sausage? 98% meat mate - by law! Cloudy Beer? You mean still containing its natural ingredients then. Rotten cabbage? ……… Ah! You must be referring to FERMENTED cabbage, Sauerkraut to us cognoscenti, see? Personally not my scene, but it’s a lot more wholesome than boiling pig’s guts, stuffing them with the contents of its chest cavity, scrotum and cranium and then serving the stuff half-cooked with testicle gravy.

It’s not just German or French stuff that’s better either. We’re talking QUALITY here chaps - like Japan’s excellent seafood concoctions – Sushi as an example. Fish so fresh it tries to take your nose off as you eat it, delicately sliced and wrapped in freshly steamed rice-wine flavoured rice with crunchy vegetable slices and a nice, hot, fresh Wasabi on the side. Every morsel fresh, full of vitamins and bursting with flavour. The English? They take a limp piece of unidentifiably-nameless-fish-substitute that’s probably radioactive, slap it around in some floured milk with a salmonella sac chucked in to make it nice and glutinous, and then cook the whole shebang at about fifty quadrillion degrees Fahrenheit for 10 minutes and serve it swimming in acid!!!!!!!!!!!

And desserts! Do the English DO them then? I only ask because (stodge excluded – we ARE talking FOOD here, right?) 99.99999% of English dessert fayre is shamelessly nicked from everybody else …… and then b4stardised to suit the twisted palates of the great English public. Like you invented Ice Cream??? Black Forest Gateau??? Tarte au Pomme??? No, I thought not……….. Custard! That’s what you lot invented – bleedin’ custard!! Hang your heads in shame ………

As an example of the atrocities the English routinely perform on innocent food, take that quintessentially French pavement café offering, the wonderful “Crepe Suzette†… Tangy and tart (as anything called Suzette ought to be an’ all IMO) redolent of Seville Oranges with a daring dash of Cognac, it can be found on almost any Parisian street for a few Euros. “Ye Olde Englande†version is a soggy Orange Marmalade flavoured flapjack, smothered in caster sugar and with all the tang of week old gusset. Bleucchh! It gets most of its uniquely salty flavour from the tears that spring to the eyes of its victims when they’re then asked to pay £4.99 each for them!

And Beefburgers. What a lovely import from cowboy country THAT is! You might as well reach into a dead cow and pull out any piece at random for din-dins, because you sure ain’t gonna identify anything remotely edible from the ingredients that go into the anaemic pats of shredded creature you lot wishfully call ‘burgers’. In the UK if a cow once leaned up against it, it’s officially beef. As far as the rest of the human race is concerned, it really should have gone ‘Moo’ at least once or twice in its life to qualify for the title.

Over here, you pick your piece(s) of meat and watch the butcher mince them for you – free of charge too. If I can’t see what it used to be when still sentient, it doesn’t traverse MY alimentary canal matey. Oh no!! Eyelid rissoles anybody? Lip-burger? How about a nice Gum pattie ………? Urgh!

And another thing ….. if English food is so wonderful, why do the remnants stick to the plates with the tenacity of week-old skid marks? Attempting to do the washing-up after English scoff usually requires the assistance of an industrial-strength steam washer, just to prep the dishes for the dishwasher, which, in the UK is invariably set on either SCALD, INCINERATE or DEGLAZE – it has to be to cope. Haven’t you ever wondered why there are all sorts of fancy settings on the things, other than ‘Steam the hell out of the crocks and hope they come out clean this time’?

If you can’t get the leftover food off the plates without a hammer and an air-chisel, what the hell chance has your stomach got of digesting it – let alone trying to get some kind of sustenance out of the stuff? I suppose this explains the English penchant for huge and violent-looking bog brushes that would do sterling service de-barnacling a battle cruiser’s hull and loo-paper that’s twice the size and thickness of anybody else’s on the planet.

What cobblers!

Look, let’s keep the goalposts sensibly on the playing field, shall we? I won’t point out the finer points of deepest Lincolnshire food massacring, nor will I dwell on the blacker midnight arts that are routinely invoked at Highlander Crossroad’s during the preparation of some of the more northern Scottish food-horrors. In return, please desist from pretending that Bavarians and Austrians are German and that Belgians have any sense of decency whatsoever. They are not and they haven’t, respectively – neither is their 'food' any more edible or nourishing than yours.

In passing, as it happens, Escargots (Snails for those linguistically challenged enough to think it’s some kind of Gondola) and Frog undercarriages are perfectly acceptable as food items. It is, after all, ordinary living tissue and, as my Sergeant Instructor gleefully informed me, “If it flies, swims or crawls, it’s edible†........... damn his sadistic eyes! The purpose of this thread was not to pour scorn on perfectly edible food – I might as well denigrate British Pears – which would be simply silly. They’re perfectly acceptable - until the poor dears enter an English kitchen!

No, my whole point is that what the English do to food ought to be made a criminal offence. UK Kitchens should be compelled to display the logo "Arbeit Macht Frei" above their smoking portals if only on the basis that they don’t cook, they incinerate. Look, to your average English chef, a ‘Blue’ steak is one that’s had a number 25 oxy-acetylene nozzle played on it for twenty minutes each side ….. and then allowed to cool for 10 further minutes before being served with soggy chips and a limp salad. Order a medium one and you might as well ask for braised brake pad!

As for the ‘hearty’ English breakfast, I can’t think of a better epithet for it. It’s about as healthy as taking an impromptu dump in a weightlifting transvestite’s handbag and has all the taste and greasy appeal of stale placenta. Not only that, but English hotels have managed to make it even more unappetising by semi-cooking the entire repast en-masse several hours previously and displaying the whole range of congealed ingredients under several 60watt light bulbs as a kind of passing lip service to residual warmth. Given that, as aversion therapies go, this one’s on a par with emasculation with a blunt fishknife, it beggars belief that English humans queue up to actually ingest this muck. I’ve seen more attractive train crashes!

And chips! Quite how the English can take an ordinary sliver of common potato, and in mere minutes imbue the poor thing with all the textural characteristics of freshly coughed phlegm is completely beyond me! The Oven Chip is another American import you’ve leapt upon with all the rampant glee of teenagers let loose in an unattended porn store. How the hell can you transfer flavenoids in an oven – that’s how you BAKE potatoes for God’s sake!

The best chips I’ve ever tasted in the UK were at a historical centre near Birmingham, and they were cooked in beef dripping. They tasted like, well, CHIPS as a matter of fact. The fact that eating them has probably signed my death warrant is by the by. Chips should be tasty, crisp and served with mayonnaise – not limp, evil and served with malice aforethought.

Sorry, but you just can’t argue with the evidence, which is that the English are to food what Sitting Bull was to Wells Fargo. (Clue for the dimmer members: He wasn’t a shareholder, OK?) The French call their cooking “Cuisine†– they call yours (when you’re out of earshot) “Coup de Graceâ€.

The only saving grace, from an historical viewpoint, was the fact that eating the hideous stuff you do enabled your forebears to conquer half the world, while existing on rations that would have killed anyone else … that and your frightful climate of course, but that’s another thread altogether.

Posted by Landswehr at:
http://www.airgunbbs.com/forums/showthread.php?t=59350&page=2&pp=15

Here you go Johan, wrap your lips around this.





A freshly made boerewor made from 80% venison and 20% pork, 100% meat with spices and natural sausage skin.

Drunk with wines, a shiraz and a grenache straight from French Hogsheads (barrels) with fresh salad and satay rice.

One hundred percent Australian ingredients.

Australia has the highest quality, most pollution free foodstuffs and ingredients in the world. The best beef, lamb, seafood, vegetables, fruits and grains in the world.

Why do you Europeans insist on continuing to eat your polluted, radiated, genetically modified, over-subsidised farmed foods when you could have something 1000% better ? !

PS The only thing better with that boerewor would be on a cold day to have it with mashed potatoes and mashed butternut pumpkin made with natural Australian vegetables and beautiful butter and Southern Seas sea-salt.

NITROX, what's for dinner tomorrow night, i'll be be there at six o'clock sharp.

Feed the man meat.

quote:

Originally posted by NitroX: Drunk with wines, a shiraz and a grenache straight from French Hogsheads (barrels)

NitroX

I'm well aware of the situation in Aussie and Kiwi, fantastic food and even better to drink

I'm not much for the modified crops or hormone fed live stock. Most of these influences seems to come from USA. EU agricultural policy is a giant disaster that have to be re-written.

Cheers
/ JOHAN

quote:

Originally posted by NitroX:

Australia has the highest quality, most pollution free foodstuffs and ingredients in the world. The best beef, lamb, seafood, vegetables, fruits and grains in the world.

Johan

What no comment on my outrageous statement above!

O'neill's

Sorry we dine at nine.

Johan
chips and mayo! very Canadian.

quote:

Originally posted by NitroX:

quote:

Originally posted by NitroX:

Australia has the highest quality, most pollution free foodstuffs and ingredients in the world. The best beef, lamb, seafood, vegetables, fruits and grains in the world.

Johan

What no comment on my outrageous statement above!

NitroX
Well, outrageous? Aussies and Kiwi's likes to be provocative and has a raw but heartily sense of humour


I know why Aussies and Kiwis refuses to import hormone meat or genetically modified vegetables and prefers domestic products, sheeper right?

Cheers
/ JOHAN

quote:

Originally posted by JOHAN:
sheeper right?

Yep, like them juicey, sweet and tender.

NitroX

Boerwors - now your talkin real food!!

quote:

Originally posted by MLG:
NitroX

Boerwors - now your talkin real food!!

Mike

You are welcome to drop in for a Boerewors or venison steak anytime.

JJH

G'day Nitrox,
The barbie looks great, we just attended the Lyndoch Uncorked festival, I must have put on 15kgs from all the sausage, wine and desserts. Have you tried the jagerwurst? Just the thing for a quick snack while stalking deer. Probably why it was made! We grabbed a bunch of Bush Vine Grenache and boerewor while we were there, looking forward to that first bbq back home.
JOHAN, I always thought the only contribution to world cuisine the English made was the chip! Now I find that they are responsible for custard too!
Try to get over the blaser thing will you? Or is it the CJD showing?

Cheers, Dave.

G'day JOHAN,
Tried the idea about the Herring, along with a nice, fresh, salad. Not bad!
Tried it again with a nice chilled Riesling, even better!
Are you getting over your Blaser problem?

Cheers, Dave.

I thought this was a shooting site??? or is it hughy's cooking forum. Don't you guy's have any hunting related topics???


cheers cc

cc

Why don't you start the ball rolling.