Gidday Guys,

Kiwi bloke was on earth doing the Haka. Somewhere in space, Aliens were
watching this unusual dance.

"Kamate, kamate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

The Aliens were very interested and they wanted to see what would happen if
they would take a part of his brain away without him even knowing. So with
their alien technology they sent a laser beam down that hit the Kiwi's head
and took a part of his brain away.

The Aliens then sat back to see what would happen.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......."

What the??? The Aliens were amazed with what they were seeing. The Kiwi guy
could operate with less than a full brain. So they decided to send the beam
down and take another part of his brain. The Aliens watched on.

"Ka-mate, ka-mate, ka-ora, ka-ora......"

"WHAT!!!" the Aliens said to each other. "These Kiwis are very clever people
even with half a brain. Let's see what happens if we take the rest of it
away and leave him with no brain at all!"

So with a push of a button the Aliens sent the beam down and took away the
final part of the Kiwi's brain.

"Now surely he won't know anything at all.He should be too dumb and stupid
to do anything now?"

And sure enough, with no brain and no knowledge of anything at all as the
Aliens watched on the bloke sang,
"WALTZING MATILDA, WALTZING MATILDA......"




Happy Hunting

Hamish

Hi Hamish,

Nice one - an oldie but a goodie. I know no prizes for seconds but here goes anyway:


Two Kiwi's are working on a Building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but theres no where to go, eh"

"Walk out to the ind of thit plank" replys Muck "I'll stand on this ind & balance ut"

"Are You sure Muck ?"

"Yis, no worries"

"100 % ?"

"YIS !"

So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he's supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner.

Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman & a bloke from IN ZID ( New Zealand ) are sitting in a Bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest...

Wazza the aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheila's!"

Pierre, the Frenchman says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like french champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure"

Meanwhile Bob ( the Kiwi ) sits laughing & says "No, You blokes are both wrong, the other days I was walking past a Building site in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came plummetting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming
"CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT"


Cheers,

Joe

Talking about the Haka.

Why do Kiwis always do it at sporting events? Is it meant to be amusing, entertaining, or comic?

Or is the song actually the Kiwi national anthem?

The purpose of doing it always fails me ...

John, When my brother was in school he went to NZ to play rugby. He'd never seen a haka up close before. He told me that just before his first game the kiwi school boys done a haka and my brother turned to one of his team mates and said (in his words)- "Shit these fuckers are going to kill us"

quote:

Talking about the Haka.

Why do Kiwis always do it at sporting events? Is it meant to be amusing, entertaining, or comic?

Or is the song actually the Kiwi national anthem?

The purpose of doing it always fails me ...

Its a Maori 'war song' used to psyche themselves up and intimidate their opponent (as it seemed to do when Bakes' brother saw it). Thats the way I understand it...hence the similar purpose before sport like rugby. I am sure a Kiwi could chime in...

Looks like it didn't work so well this RWC

An old one, but still the best, was Sir Robert Muldoons comment to the fact that Kiwis were emigrating to Austruckinfalia, and I paraphrase,
I don't mind Kiwis emigrating to Autralia the national IQ of both countries goes up when they do.

quote:

Originally posted by Bakes:
John, When my brother was in school he went to NZ to play rugby. He'd never seen a haka up close before. He told me that just before his first game the kiwi school boys done a haka and my brother turned to one of his team mates and said (in his words)- "Shit these fuckers are going to kill us"

And it really psyches the Kiwi's out when you just turn your back on them...
They get so bent out of shapes, it stuffs up their game.

quote:

Originally posted by JFE:
Hi Hamish,

Nice one - an oldie but a goodie. I know no prizes for seconds but here goes anyway:


Two Kiwi's are working on a Building site in Auckland. Phul (Phil) & Muck (Mick). Anyway Phul turns to Muck & says "Cawww I've gotta take a piss, but theres no where to go, eh"

"Walk out to the ind of thit plank" replys Muck "I'll stand on this ind & balance ut"

"Are You sure Muck ?"

"Yis, no worries"

"100 % ?"

"YIS !"

So out goes Phul to take a piss & the lunch siren sounds, Muck forgets what he's supposed to be doing & steps off the plank & Phul is a goner.

Several months later an Australian, a Frenchman & a bloke from IN ZID ( New Zealand ) are sitting in a Bar discussing which of their respective nations chase women the hardest...

Wazza the aussie says "Mate I've been known to miss a piss up session down the Pub with me mates trying to crack on to sheila's!"

Pierre, the Frenchman says "No, No, No, Ve French chase ze women with much zest & give them gifts of love like french champagne to win their affection, it is us vor sure"

Meanwhile Bob ( the Kiwi ) sits laughing & says "No, You blokes are both wrong, the other days I was walking past a Building site in Auckland following these 2 gorgeous looking Birds, and this bloke came plummetting from the sky with his dick in his hand screaming
"CUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNTTTTTTTTTT"


Cheers,

Joe

quote:

Originally posted by kayaker:

quote:

Talking about the Haka.

Why do Kiwis always do it at sporting events? Is it meant to be amusing, entertaining, or comic?

Or is the song actually the Kiwi national anthem?

The purpose of doing it always fails me ...

Its a Maori 'war song' used to psyche themselves up and intimidate their opponent (as it seemed to do when Bakes' brother saw it). Thats the way I understand it...hence the similar purpose before sport like rugby. I am sure a Kiwi could chime in...

Looks like it didn't work so well this RWC

Those Kiwis must really love their Maori brothers and the Maori culture that they use the Haka as their national anthem.

John,

The NZ anthem is 'God Defend New Zealand' I believe...someone else please add, i may be wrong...I am sure a quick google would sort that out...

The Haka I believe is not the national anthem, but rather a 'sports anthem', espcially the All Blacks.

Think you'll find that right now no one in New Zealand, wants to talk about Hakas, Rugby etc..etc...
Be surprised if any aussies are either.

Kayaker I'm trying to translate the Boer phrase on your posts.I speak dutch and can sort of understand the Boer dialect.
Something like:

At first I was afraid that I was alone, but actually it's the same....three words for Salaam.."Koos Kombuis"

WTF is all that about???
Is he some sort of singer in ZA?

Good luck to the Boks

Actually the Kiwi anthem is "God loves New Zealand, he gave them boiling mud"

Howzit TrackersNZ...

Yes Koos Kombuis is a Folk singer, author, poet, commentator....usually lumped in with the 'Alternative Afrikaans music'. He has a huge following.....

The line means (directly translated) "I was at first afraid that I was alone, but actaully we are together, three words for Salaam". The song has nothing to do with contemporty religio-politcs/Islam or anything like that. the Salaam referes to the Malay/Batavian influences.

Its from a song called 'Drie Woorde vir Salaam' which references the history of the early Cape and how its still manifest in many ways today. The History was a convoluted mix of Hugenot/Dutch free Burghers who became Afrikaaners, KhoiKhoi (with whom that had a long and diverse relationship) and the Malay/Batavian slaves. Although the free bhurgers wanted to do their own thing and be independant they were still entrenched is an odd relationship with all these folks ranging from conflict (the birth of the Kommando) to indenture, to marrige to inter-reliance for survival- hence his take on them being very different 'tribes' but simulatneously very much alike in there search for independance and freedom from Duth East-India Company influence, despite their ethnic differences....

If you are interested in this history I can strongly recommend the book 'White Tribe Dreaming' by Marq de Villiers. Its an exellent historical account of Afrikaanerdom and its roots.

Do you live near Dunedin? I may be there for a bit next year, depending of grad school choices and results....cheers.

Dunners Dunedin) is about 2 hours drive from here.
Cheers for the history lesson.

Opps wrong thread...

quote:

Originally posted by Easy_Rollins:



Opps wrong thread...

You guys better ease up a bit!

I've got throat ache from laughing so much!

Actually I thought this thread was about Kiwis with fluid on the brain.

This Kiwi has just been converted back from a mute vegetable state induced by an All Black defeat to a 'normal' functioning Kiwi.


From a modern Kiwi medical reference book ...

quote:

Trepanning is the medical procedure of drilling a hole in the head. In the middle ages, surgeons often trepanned the sick and the insane to let the devils out. These days, trepanation is performed only occasionally by medical doctors, to relieve pressure in the skull. In the medical tradition of self-experimentation, Bart Huges (the founder of the New World Trepanation) sought to prove his theory by having himself trepanned. Unable to find a surgeon who would perform the operation, Huges decided he had better do it himself. After his first plan failed because his friends removed his tools, Huges kept his second plan to himself. This time he was successful: he drilled a hole in his own skull. Huges claimed that the procedure took forty-five minutes and caused no pain. Afterwards, he claimed to feel "as I felt before the age of fourteen." He removed his bandage at a "happening," and a week later gave a press conference to announce the success of his operation -- and his theories. But the psychiatrists were convinced only that Huges had flipped his lid, and had him committed to an asylum for observation.

Many people who do this trepanning later claim to have alien contacts and join the RAEL movement. The RAEL movement are people who are building a neutral place or place of peace for the coming of the ALIENS at the turn of the century.

http://saphire3.tripod.com/trepanning.htm

I see Hamish referred to Aliens above so it must be true.

"These Kiwis are very clever people even with half a brain."

Ah a trepanned Kiwi who has had a brain improvement.

.

KIWI NEWS!

Earthquake damage reports focus on broken bottles at the bottle shop.

quote:

A massive aftershock measuring 6.2 on the Richter scale has this morning jolted the lower South Island with a quake striking at 10.28am and lasting for about 30 seconds.

GNS Science duty seismologist Bryan Field said the latest shake was a 6.2 magnitude centred 50 kilometres west of Milford Sound at a depth of 5km.

"This is normal activity after a big earthquake," he said.

"It has been a busy period but statistics say for every quiet patch you must have a busy patch down the track. It's all normal stuff."

Earlier this morning a quake measuring 6.7 on the Richter scale shook the South Island and while felt strongly there were no immediate reports of serious damage or injury.

Betty's Liquor Store manager Christine Gilbert said seven bottles, worth $350, were lying broken on the floor when she arrived at work at 7.45am this morning. Another 12 bottles were on the ground but unbroken.

quote:

Originally posted by oldun:
An old one, but still the best, was Sir Robert Muldoons comment to the fact that Kiwis were emigrating to Austruckinfalia, and I paraphrase,
I don't mind Kiwis emigrating to Autralia the national IQ of both countries goes up when they do.

Just a mo, wasn't this bloke called "Piggy" Muldoon ? Where is this Autralia (sic) place ?

And yes if he meant Australia he may be right. We have noticed most Kiwi arrivals here are definatly substandard to the real McCoy, who, are too busy bailing the place out to travel.

Well now, one of your Bonza Shelas told me that Autralia is the big country where the blokes have arrested language and communication skills.

Thats cos the sheep arent big on conversation over there ....

quote:

Originally posted by oldun:
Well now, one of your Bonza Shelas told me that Autralia is the big country where the blokes have arrested language and communication skills.

This is true. We don't get much practise talking while hunting or humping or serious drinking.

quote:

Originally posted by oldun:
Well now, one of your Bonza Shelas told me that Autralia is the big country where the blokes have arrested language and communication skills.

Please teach me to be so funny like you!!!

Rivalary live and well.. and always the sheep thing surfaces
Anyway a bummer about the World Cup outcomes for both sides.
Plenty jokes floating around already, like:
Q:What do you call 6th & 7th place in the WC.
A:The Bledisloe.



Not sure who to back in the finals. Could go either way. Good on them both Poms and Jaarpies.

Thought the same thing myself Trackers....why does it always come back to sheep

I guess ya cant hide a nations ancestry forever Bakesy.....

Trepanning makes sheep look more attractive too.

Teach an Austruckinfalian to be funny, (isn't that an oxymoron)?
Cor blimey it might be easier to teach water to flow up hill, hair to grow on an egg or a Pomm to stop whingeing.
I took a Pomm (a real moron) out for a couple of days for a look see for a deer during which time I learned that;
I can't cook,
we have the wrong trees in New Zealand,
the settlers introduced the wrong deer,
and that they should have brought foxes in,
there aren't enough birds,
there needs to be greater variety of birds.
The Pomm was told where the local airport is.

quote:

Originally posted by oldun:
Teach an Austruckinfalian to be funny, (isn't that an oxymoron)?
Cor blimey it might be easier to teach water to flow up hill, hair to grow on an egg or a Pomm to stop whingeing.
I took a Pomm (a real moron) out for a couple of days for a look see for a deer during which time I learned that;
I can't cook,
we have the wrong trees in New Zealand,
the settlers introduced the wrong deer,
and that they should have brought foxes in,
there aren't enough birds,
there needs to be greater variety of birds.
The Pomm was told where the local airport is.

Aren't Kiwi's closer to Poms in culture than Aussies?

John,
Since, as the whole world knows, Austrukinfalians are devoid of Culture, then yes, we must be!

LMAO -- Love you guys..
This is why the Scots are the Scots!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaJSGky4F4U

You wont go far wrong as long as you remember, jeffeosso , that there is more culture in a pottle of yoghurt or a slice of cheese than there is in the entire population of Australia...

Geez this is an old thread revisited - cant be much happening in the world today

My brother-in-law moved to NZ. You blokes are now down a few more IQ points.

For all the Aussies that love telling sheep shagger jokes. The gravy, think of the gravy dripping of YOUR chin

Just have to jump in here. The Australian population have to be very proud of their ancestors.They were chosen by the very best judges in England.
Snowy spots Bluey walking down the road with a sheep under each arm."Hey Bluey, are you gonna share'em {shear] mate?" " Nah Snowy, I reckon I'll f#*@ 'em both me self!"

Why do Aussies wear 3 condoms when in the bush?

When they are chasing sheep they also need protection from snake bite!!

Why did the Aussie think a condom would protect him from a snake bite?

'cause his Sheela said he felt like a rubber snake she used to play with!

BTW - these to are my own new factual observation of Aussie (agri)culture!