Subject: C-130 Baghdad---A Funny Presentation

Thought you’d like this....

A Funny Presentation..as could only be written by a combat pilot...
For those of you who were/are aviators and/or flew the "Herc", you'll get a special kick out of this.
Everyone enjoy !

Forwarded for your amusement - some very descriptive lines. This guy must have taken a creative writing class in college.

C-130 Pilot's Description of Approach into Baghdad. This is a funny story particularly if you like mixed metaphors!!

There I was at six thousand feet over central Iraq , two hundred eighty knots and we're dropping faster than Paris Hilton's panties. It's a typical September evening in the Persian Gulf ; hotter than a rectal thermometer and I'm sweating like a priest at a Cub Scout meeting. But that's neither here nor there. The night is moonless over Baghdad tonight, and blacker than a Steven King novel. But it's 2006, folks, and I'm sporting the latest in night-combat technology - namely, hand-me-down night vision goggles (NVGs) thrown out by the fighter boys.

Additionally, my 1962 Lockheed C-130E Hercules is equipped with an obsolete, yet, semi-effective missile warning system (MWS). The MWS conveniently makes a nice soothing tone in your headset just before the missile explodes into your airplane. Who says you can't polish a turd?

At any rate, the NVGs are illuminating Baghdad International Airport like the Las Vegas Strip during a Mike Tyson fight. These NVGs are the cat's ass.

But I've digressed.

The preferred method of approach tonight is the random shallow. This tactical maneuver allows the pilot to ingress the landing zone in an unpredictable manner, thus exploiting the supposedly secured perimeter of the airfield in an attempt to avoid enemy surface-to-air-missiles and small arms fire. Personally, I wouldn't bet my pink ass on that theory but the approach is fun as hell and that's the real reason we fly it.

We get a visual on the runway at three miles out, drop down to one thousand feet above the ground, still maintaining two hundred eighty knots. Now the fun starts It's pilot appreciation time as I descend the mighty Herc to six hundred feet and smoothly, yet very deliberately, yank into a sixty degree left bank, turning the aircraft ninety degrees offset from runway heading. As soon as we roll out of the turn, I reverse turn to the right a full two hundred seventy degrees in order to roll out aligned with the runway.

Some aeronautical genius coined this maneuver the "Ninety/Two-Seventy." Chopping the power during the turn, I pull back on the yoke just to the point my nether regions start to sag, bleeding off energy in order to configure the pig for landing. "Flaps Fifty!, Landing Gear Down!, Before Landing Checklist!" I look over at the copilot and he's shaking like a cat shitting on a sheet of ice.

Looking further back at the navigator, and even through the Nags, I can clearly see the wet spot spreading around his crotch. Finally, I glance at my steely eyed flight engineer. His eyebrows rise in unison as a grin forms on his face. I can tell he's thinking the same thing I am .... "Where do we find such fine young men?" "Flaps One Hundred!" I bark at the shaking cat.

Now it's all aim-point and airspeed. Aviation 101, with the exception there are no lights, I'm on NVGs, it's Baghdad , and now tracers are starting to crisscross the black sky. Naturally, and not at all surprisingly, I grease the Goodyear's on brick-one of runway 33 left, bring the throttles to ground idle and then force the props to full reverse pitch. Tonight, the sound of freedom is my four Hamilton Standard propellers chewing through the thick, putrid, Baghdad air. The huge, one hundred thirty-thousand pound, lumbering whisper pig comes to a lurching stop in less than two thousand feet. Let's see a Viper do that!

We exit the runway to a welcoming committee of government issued Army grunts. It's time to download their beans and bullets and letters from their sweethearts, look for war booty, and of course, urinate on Saddam's home. Walking down the crew entry steps with my lowest-bidder, Beretta 92F 9 millimeter strapped smartly to my side, look around and thank God, not Allah, I'm an American and I'm on the winning team. Then I thank God I'm not in the Army.

Knowing once again I've cheated death, I ask myself, "What in the hell am I doing in this mess?" Is it Duty, Honor, and Country? You bet your ass. Or could it possibly be for the glory, the swag, and not to mention, chicks dig the Air Medal. There's probably some truth there, too. But now is not the time to derive the complexities of the superior, cerebral properties of the human portion of the aviator-man-machine model.

It is however, time to get out of this hole. Hey copilot how's 'bout the 'Before Starting Engines Checklist."
God, I love this job!!!!

That's too cool!! Thanks.

Outstanding! Great writing.

Love it! And a a former Herc driver I practiced random shallows many times....

Great story, but the oldest C-130 in the fleet was rebuilt in the mid-'70's so I question its authenticity. Having flown RC/MC-12's in the SandBox, I can attest to old airplanes with tens of thousands of hours on them, but I'm not sure this is more than a good bar story by a gifted writer. Oh, and no need to do a 90-270 maneuver in any turboprop airplane, at 5000' above the ground, five miles from the end of the runway at redline (barber pole) is no problem, even making a straight in approach.

In 2006 when this story was written, there were still 60s vintage e-models in the C-130 fleet. The tactics described are not correct for a random steep or a random shallow, and I am fine with that.

Never mess with a good story.

Grizz

still sure about that winning team statement ?

quote:

Originally posted by muzza:
still sure about that winning team statement ?

With absolute certainty.........

INTJ, feel free to post proper random approach tactics. I love this stuff and am a huge Herc fan.

quote:

Originally posted by Bill/Oregon:
INTJ, feel free to post proper random approach tactics. I love this stuff and am a huge Herc fan.

Don't want the bad guys to know how we do things.....but they were a LOT of fun....

Here is something from the Internet. I did mine a little differently.

https://www.baseops.net/wp-con...tacticalapproach.doc

Yeah, but did you ever make your copilot?

quote:

Checklist!" I look over at the copilot and he's shaking like a cat shitting on a sheet of ice.

The first time they see how steep a C-130 can fly on final, their eyes open wide.......