Words of Wisdom for Old Pilots



The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the
temperature of your coffee.--- Gunter's Second Law of Air Travel



The three worst things to hear in the cockpit:

The second officer says, 'Damn it!'
The first officer says, 'I have an idea!'
The captain say, 'Hey, watch this!'


Lady, you want me to answer you if this old airplane is safe to fly?
Just how in the world do you think it got to be this old?



'Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society The optimist
invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.'--- George Bernard
Shaw



When asked why he was referred to as 'Ace': 'Because during World War
Two, I was responsible for the destruction of six aircraft,
fortunately three were enemy.' - Captain Ray Lancaster, USAAF



If helicopters are so safe, how come there are no vintage/classic
helicopter fly-ins- Anonymous



Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch your airspeed. - Anonymous



'When it comes to testing new aircraft or determining maximum
performance, pilots like to talk about 'pushing the envelope.'
They're talking about a two dimensional model: the bottom is zero
altitude, the ground; the left is zero speed; the top is max altitude;
and the right, maximum velocity, of course. So, the pilots are pushing
that upper-right-hand corner of the envelope. What everybody tries not
to dwell on is that that's where the postage gets canceled, too.'---
Admiral Rick Hunter, U.S. Navy.



'It only takes five years to go from rumor to standard operating
procedure.' - Dick Markgraf



'Real planes use only a single stick to fly. This is why bulldozers &
helicopters -- in that order -- need two.' --- Paul Slattery



'I've flown every seat on this airplane, can someone tell me why the
other two are always occupied by idiots?' --- Don Taylor



The only three things a wingman should ever say are:

Two's up.
Lead you're on fire.
I'll take the ugly one.


There are only three things the copilot should ever say:

Nice landing, Sir.
I'll buy the first round
I'll take the ugly one.



As a new copilot on a bomber I was told to say these three things and
to otherwise keep my mouth shut and not touch anything:

Clear on the right.
Outer (marker) on the double (indicator)
I'll eat the chicken. (Crew meals consisted of one steak and one
chicken to avoid possible food poisoning of the cockpit crew).


As an aviator in flight you can do anything you want... As long as
it's right... And we'll let you know if it's right after you get down.



You can't fly forever without getting killed.



As a pilot only two bad things can happen to you and one of them will.

One day you will walk out to the aircraft knowing that it is your last
flight in an airplane.
One day you will walk out to the airplane not knowing that it is your
last flight in an airplane.


Any flight over water in a single engine airplane will absolutely
guarantee abnormal engine noises and vibrations.



There are Rules and there are Laws. The rules are made by men who
think that they know better how to fly your airplane than you. Laws
(of Physics) were made by the Great One. You can, and sometimes
should, suspend the Rules but you can never suspend the Laws.



More about Rules:

The rules are a good place to hide if you don't have a better idea and
the talent to execute it.
If you deviate from a rule, it must be a flawless performance (e.g.,
If you fly under a bridge, don't hit the bridge.)


The ideal pilot is the perfect blend of discipline and aggressiveness.



Ever notice that the only experts who decree that the age of the pilot
is over are people who have never flown anything? Also, in spite of
the intensity of their feelings that the pilot's day is over I know of
no expert who has volunteered to be a passenger in a non-piloted
aircraft.



It is absolutely imperative that the pilot be unpredictable.
Rebelliousness is very predictable. In the end, conforming almost all
the time is the best way to be unpredictable.



He who demands everything that his aircraft can give him is a pilot;
he that demands one iota more is a fool.



If you're gonna fly low, do not fly slow! Anti Submarine Warfare
pilots know this only too well.



It is solely the pilot's responsibility to never let any other thing
touch his aircraft.



If you can learn how to fly as a 2nd Lt and not forget how to fly by
the time you're a Maj. you will have lived a happy life.



Night flying:

Remember that the airplane doesn't know that it's dark.
On a clear, moonless night, never fly between the tanker's lights.
There are certain aircraft sounds that can only be heard at night.
If you're going to night fly, it might as well be in the weather so
you can double count your exposure to both hazards.
Night formation is really an endless series of near misses in
equilibrium with each other.
You would have to pay a lot of money at a lot of amusement parks and
perhaps add a few drugs, to get the same blend of psychedelic
sensations as a single engine night weather flight.


One of the most important skills that a pilot must develop is the
skill to ignore those things that were designed by non-pilots to get
the pilot's attention.



At the end of the day, the controllers, ops supervisors, maintenance
guys, weather guessers, and birds; they're all trying to kill you and
your job is to not let them!



Remember that the radio is only an electronic suggestion box for the
pilot. Sometimes the only way to clear up a problem is to turn it off.



It is a tacit, yet profound admission of the preeminence of flying in
the hierarchy of the human spirit, that those who seek to control
aviators via threats always threaten to take one's wings and not one's
life.



Remember when flying low and inverted that the rudder still works the
same old way but hopefully your instructor never taught you 'pull
stick back, plane go up'.



A tactic done twice is a procedure. (Refer to unpredictability
discussion above)



The aircraft G-limits are only there in case there is another flight
by that particular airplane. If subsequent flights do not appear
likely, there are no G-limits.



One of the beautiful things about a single piloted aircraft is the
quality of the social experience.



If a mother has the slightest suspicion that her infant might grow up
to be a pilot, she had better teach him to put things back where he
got them.



The ultimate responsibility of the pilot is to fulfill the dreams of
the countless millions of earthbound ancestors who could only stare
skyward...and wish.

Enjoyed those jetdrvr - here's some more.
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The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire
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If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, its probably a helicopter - and therefore unsafe.
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When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
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What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If the pilot screws up the pilot dies. If ATC screws up the pilot dies.
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Never trade luck for skill.
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh shit".
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Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
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Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
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Airspeed, altitude and brains..... two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
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Remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous?
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Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries.
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Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.
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When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten.
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The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world. It can just barely kill you.
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If you are faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible.
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If an airplane is still in one piece, don't cheat on it. Ride the bastard down.
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Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you.
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There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.
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Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there.
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You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
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The three best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a good bowel movement. The night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities in life where you get to experience all three at the same time.