Do you realize that this is the 12th year we've run this series? Time really flies when you don't have something lodged up your butt. But for those of you who do, read on to see if you made this year's list of the weirdest stuff that entered America's orifices. If not, there's always next year.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and all the entries below involved some very poor decisions.

Penis

AIRPOD
PEN CAP
PEN
COFFEE STIRRER
SCREW
PAPER CLIP
WAX STRAW
4 INCH METAL TUBE
"TOOK A PIECE OF PLASTIC COATED PAPER FROM A MILK CONTAINER, ROLLED IT TIGHTLY, WRAPPED IT WITH TAPE TO THE SIZE OF 'GREATER THAN A CRAYON' AND INSERTED IT AS FAR AS HE COULD INTO HIS PENIS SEVERAL HOURS AGO"
HANDLE OF PLASTIC SPOON
PLASTIC FORK
GLUE
ROLLED UP MAGAZINE PAGE
RING FROM POWERADE BOTTLE
DOMINO
PHONE CHARGING CABLE
THERMOMETER

Vagina

PLASTIC CUBE
PLASTIC TRICERATOPS
BOBBY PIN
SHOT GLASS
STATUE
TOY FIRE TRUCK
EGG
"PATIENT REPORTS PARTNER WAS WEARING AN ENHANCEMENT APPARATUS THAT BECAME STUCK FOLLOWING INTERCOURSE"
SPORK
BAR OF SOAP
DEODORANT
PERFUME BOTTLE
PENCIL
2 PENCILS
PENCIL, SIDEWAYS
"PLACED A DEVICE THAT HAS A VAGINAL SEX TOY AND AN ANAL PORTION WHICH ARE CONNECTED BY RUBBER CORD BOTH INTO HER VAGINA.THEY WERE UNABLE TO RETRIEVE. THEY DID HAVE SOME ALCOHOL THIS EVE"
CURLING IRON
DRY ERASE MARKER
SPOON
KNIFE
BAG OF SOIL
"WAS ROUGHHOUSING WITH HER HUSBAND WHO LIFTED HER UP AND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED HER ON A HOT DOG COOKER. VAGINAL BLEEDING"
KEYS
CANDLE
CLIMBING PEG
FINGER PUPPET
MICROCHIP

Rectum

"PATIENT STATES THAT HIM AND HIS WIFE 'GOT CARRIED AWAY' AND A PORTION OF A PLASTIC SCREWDRIVER HANDLE IS IN HIS RECTUM"
XYLOPHONE MALLET
FOAM BALL
12-INCH RATCHET EXTENDER, "DOESN'T KNOW WHY"
CYLINDRICAL WOODEN BLOCK
COOKING SPRAY
"PATIENT STATES SHE BELIEVES SHE HAS A VIBRATOR IN EITHER HER RECTUM OR VAGINA"
SHAMPOO BOTTLE
LOTION BOTTLE
CAN OF DEODORANT
PLASTIC BOTTLE WITH THE BOTTOM CUT OFF
"ANKLE, ABDOMINAL, AND NECK PAIN AFTER JUMPING OFF OF A 2ND FLOOR BALCONY. FOREIGN BODY IN RECTUM"
BROOMSTICK
18-INCH DILDO
DILDO FROM 4 DAYS AGO
"SHOVED A BAG CONTAINING 20 HYDROXYZINE PILLS INTO HIS RECTUM FOR 'STREET CRED'"
3 AAA BATTERIES
2 AA BATTERIES
1 D BATTERY
"TRIED TO 'REMOVE POOP' WITH A PEN FEW DAYS AGO, LOST PEN IN RECTUM"
50 CENT PIECE
SCRUB BRUSH
"HAS A PLASTIC BABY BOTTLE UP HER RECTUM. PATIENT STATES SHE AND HER MALE PARTNER WERE 'GETTING KINKY'"
WIRE HANGER
ENEMA BOTTLE
2 PLASTIC BOTTLES AND A SHOT GLASS
TAIL OF TOY DINOSAUR
"PATIENT STATES HE TRIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND FELL BACKWARDS AND LANDED ON A SHAMPOO BOTTLE WHICH BECAME LODGED IN HIS ANUS"
"PATIENT STATES SLIPPED AND FELL IN THE BATHTUB LANDING ON A SHARK TOY"
BABY SHARK TOY
CIGARETTE LIGHTER
TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
"TOOK CLONAZEPAM DOSE THREE TIMES INSTEAD OF ONCE AND HAS A BATTERY IN RECTUM AND HAS NAUSEA"
LIGHT BULB
LIGHT BULB, BROKEN
"TOOK VIBRATOR OUT OF ANUS, NOTICED BATTERY HAD FALLEN OUT"
BOTTLE OF GHB
BOARD GAME PIECE
METAL TOILET PAPER HOLDER
"MOTORIZED TIRE PUMP INSERTED IN HER RECTUM AND WAS INSUFFLATED FOR A DURATION OF APPROXIMATELY 5 MINUTES"
MARBLES
DARTS
PLASTIC LEMON
FAKE BANANA
JELL-O MOLD
"PATIENT REPORTS 'I JUST GOT MARRIED' PRESENTS WITH A SEX TOY STUCK INSIDE HIS RECTUM"

I worked at NYU Hospital for 2 years, nurses shared some interesting stories.. and i was just in the IT dept.

I've told a lot of people to get their "HEAD OUTA THEIR ASS"!

Over a 40 year career as an anesthesiologist, I saw a lot of stuff removed from rectums under general anesthesia. Think billiard balls, light bulbs, giant dildos. Occasionally we couldn’t remove stuff from below and a laparotomy ensued. The really funny part was the wild stories told to explain the foreign body..

Hell, I saw some nasty stuff at crime scenes. Stuff I had no idea people would shove up bodily orifices.

I have a friend that's an RN + she tells about a "kid" that came in with a 26" double-headed dildo shoved up his ass. After the doctor on call removed it, all the nurses started calling him Dr. Dolittle; of the Push-me-pull-you fame.

Some of the stories my doctor friends tell are unbelievable!

But, as I have mentioned many times before, there is NOTHING that actually surprises me any more about human behavior!

You know, there is a large number of people ever year who accidentally hang themselves in the quest for the ultimate sexual experience- oxygen deprivation. They often find out too late they can't get out of the noose. I saw umpteen numbers of these idiots over the years.

I don't know what's worse, the enormous items they stick up their asses or hanging themselves?

Some would overdose on 'meds' they ordered from overseas pharm companies to give themselves a really big dick. Didn't seem to work too well. These were always very wealthy old men too.

Two not on your list I read about, one a skitzo late friend and wife.
Used the barrel of a .22 in her puss as a dildo. Front sight got hooked and tore her insides.
They couldn't stop the bleeding for hours and got scared.
ER called the cops for abuse.
They had a long hard time explaining before he was released.

Local jail caught a woman with two cell phones in hers.

Amazing ain't it?

George

One was for incoming calls, the other for outgoing!