I did not know were to put this, so I stuck it here


Here is a rough draft of a short story I wrote, tell me what you think of it.

Thanks

Ron

The man watched through well worn binoculars, the caravan of men on foot, making their way across the icy,frozen ground. As they drew near, he stepped out from his hide, and spoke in a loud firm voice "Halt, who goes there?" Nathan, you know it is me spoke a younger man. Yes, but we have our protocols, said the man in the heavy parka. What is the nature of your visit? I bring guest from the Reino do Brasil, they have come to view the three ancient text. This is not a graaping museum! Nate spoke, and this is a secure facility, depart from here immediatly! Eltee, has asked me to tell you that we should give our southern friends the utmost cooperation, the younger man said. I have my orders, and I will not comply said Nate. Nathan, dammit! the orders you follow were given nearly three hundred years ago, at the beginning of the big chill, and the people that gave them, are dead, and no longer graaping care. Do not make me haul the Eltee up here, you know how old and frail he is. Then an older, well dressed man stepped forward, I am the kings historical scholar, Professor, Juan Calos Diega, we mean no harm, only wish to view the document, and possibly buy it, we are willing to pay a hefty sum. It is not for sale, it is not mine to sell, however against my better judgement, I will let you view it, follow me, said Nate. He lead them to an ancient, entrance to a bunker, inside he lit a small lamp, opened a locker, pulled out a leather bound folder, and placed it on a table, Juan said, may I? Nate silently nodded, the professor opened it carefully, and looked at it with awe. I never thought that these three text actually existed, he said, the king will require them for his collection. It is not for sale, I told you that, said Nate. Good! spoke a dark arrogant looking man, we did not want to pay for them anyway, the group of men quickly overwhelmed Nate and the younger man, secured them with rope and departed. We are lucky we were not killed said the younger man, I am lucky said Nate, your chances of survival are in question, when ever I get these ropes off. Two hours later Nates son peered into the room, Nate said Fiften, get these ropes off, hurry! Then hitch up the Oxen, and haul this man into town, take him strait to the Eltee, and make a report, I will pursue them on foot, tell him to send a squad for backup. Yes father, and he quickly departed. Nathan then removed a crude, breachloading rifle from a rack, filled his pocket full of rounds, and took off on skis in pursuit. He caught up with them later in the afternoon, flanked them, drew a bead on a man trailing behind, pulled the trigger sending a large caliber lead slug through the fellow, he fell twitching into an ever widening pool of bright red blood on the icy snow, the other men fired wildly with their full automatic weapons, as Nate moved to another position, he dropped one more before, falling back, cutting across their trail and working up toward their other side, this went on for two days, until all that were left were the professor and the arrogant man, he took carefull aim at the arrogent man, the bullet shattered the mans right knee nearly amputating his lower leg, as Nate reached their position, Fiften arrived with the squad. Nate shoved the muzzle of his rifle hard into the back of the proffeser while he was occopied with appliying a tornaqet to the wounded mans leg. I have one question for you proffeser, why did you need the document so bad that you had to steal it? Juan let out his breath and replied, the ice is receding, and when the people move north into the lands the ice has left, they will be hard to govern, with them so far from the southern kingdom states, The king does not wish for this document to be read by the common man, and giving them any big ideas. The wounded man grunted through his pain, Who the graap are you that you would follow and kill my whole company? My name is Gunnery Sergeant, Nathan Dalton, the 14th, United States Marine Corp, and I am in charge of protecting and preserving United States property. Father what is in the ancient text, Fiften asked? Nathan solemnly opened the leather folder and began to read out loud, the first of the three documents.


When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.....................

You in the running for the worlds longest paragraph award?

If you were to add some punctuation , make some structure to the whole thing and make it readable you would be better for it .

I confess to reading the first six lines and giving up about there due to the absence of paragraphs and any type of readable structure . Sorry .....

quote:

Originally posted by muzza:
You in the running for the worlds longest paragraph award?

If you were to add some punctuation , make some structure to the whole thing and make it readable you would be better for it .

I confess to reading the first six lines and giving up about there due to the absence of paragraphs and any type of readable structure . Sorry .....

Thanks for the positive words, glad you liked it!

quote:

Originally posted by muzza:
You in the running for the worlds longest paragraph award?

If you were to add some punctuation , make some structure to the whole thing and make it readable you would be better for it .

I confess to reading the first six lines and giving up about there due to the absence of paragraphs and any type of readable structure . Sorry .....

I concur wholeheartedly, mate.

quote:

Originally posted by onefunzr2:

quote:

Originally posted by muzza:
You in the running for the worlds longest paragraph award?

If you were to add some punctuation , make some structure to the whole thing and make it readable you would be better for it .

I confess to reading the first six lines and giving up about there due to the absence of paragraphs and any type of readable structure . Sorry .....

I concur wholeheartedly, mate.

I am glad you enjoyed it as well.

Worked on it a little. Better, same, worse?

The man watched through well worn binoculars, as the caravan of men, made their way on foot, across the icy,frozen ground.

As they drew near, he stepped out from his hide, and spoke in a loud firm voice "Halt, who goes there?"

Nathan, you know it is me, spoke a younger man.

Yes, but we have our protocols, said the man in the heavy parka. What is the nature of your visit?

I bring guest from the Reino do Brasil, they have come to view the three ancient text.

This is not a graaping museum! Nate said, and this is a secure facility, depart from here at once!

Eltee, has asked me to tell you that we should give our southern friends the utmost cooperation, the younger man said.

I have my orders, and I will not comply, said Nate.

Nathan, dammit! the orders you follow were given nearly three hundred years ago, at the beginning of the big chill, and the people that gave them, are dead, and no longer graaping care. Do not make me haul the Eltee up here, as you know how old and frail he is.

Then an older, well dressed man stepped forward, I am the kings historical scholar, Professor, Juan Calos Diega, we mean no harm, only wish to view the document, and possibly buy it, we are willing to pay a hefty sum.

It is not for sale, it is not mine to sell, however against my better judgement, I will let you view it, follow me, said Nate. He lead them to an ancient, entrance to a bunker, inside he lit a small lamp, opened a locker, pulled out a leather bound folder, and placed it on a table.

Juan said, may I? Nate silently nodded, the professor opened it carefully, and looked at it with awe. I never thought that these three text actually existed, he said, the king will require them for his collection.

It is not for sale, I told you that, said Nate.

Good! spoke a dark arrogant looking man, we did not want to pay for them anyway, the group of men quickly overwhelmed Nate and the younger man, secured them with rope and departed.

We are lucky we were not killed said the younger man.

I am lucky said Nate, your chances of survival are in question, when ever I get these ropes off.


Two hours later Nates son peered into the room. Nate said, Fiften, get these ropes off, hurry! Then hitch up the Oxen, and haul this man into town, take him strait to the Eltee, and make a report. I will pursue them on foot, tell him to send a squad for backup.

Yes father, and he quickly departed.

Nathan then removed a crude, breach loading rifle from a rack, filled his pocket full of rounds, and took off on skis in pursuit.

He caught up with them later in the afternoon, flanked them, drew a bead on a man trailing behind, pulled the trigger sending a large caliber lead slug through the fellow. He fell twitching into an ever widening pool of bright red blood on the icy snow. The other men fired wildly with their fully automatic weapons, as Nate moved to another position. he dropped one more before, falling back, cutting across their trail and working up toward their other side. This went on for two days, until all that were left were the professor and the arrogant man. Nate took carefull aim at the arrogant man, the bullet shattered the mans right knee nearly amputating his lower leg, as Nate reached their position, Fiften arrived with the squad. Nate shoved the muzzle of his rifle hard into the back of the proffesor while he was occupied with applying a tornaqet to the wounded mans leg.

I have one question for you proffesor. Why did you need the document so bad that you had to steal it?

Juan let out his breath and replied. The ice is receding, and when the people move north into the lands the ice has left, they will be hard to govern, with them spread so far from the southern kingdom states. The king does not wish for this document to be read by the common man, and giving them any big ideas.

The wounded man grunted through his pain, Who the graap are you that you would follow and kill my whole company?

My name is Gunnery Sergeant, Nathan Dalton, the 14th, United States Marine Corp, and I am in charge of protecting and preserving United States property.

Father what is in the ancient text? Fiften asked?

Nathan solemnly opened the leather folder and began to read out loud, the first of the three documents.



When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.....................

quote:

Originally posted by ron williams:
Worked on it a little. Better, same, worse?

The man watched through well worn binoculars, as the caravan of men, made their way on foot, across the icy,frozen ground.

As they drew near, he stepped out from his hide, and spoke in a loud firm voice "Halt, who goes there?"

" Nathan, you know it is me .", spoke a younger man.

" Yes, but we have our protocols .", said the man in the heavy parka. What is the nature of your visit?

"I bring guest from the Reino do Brasil, they have come to view the three ancient text."

"This is not a graaping museum!" Nate said, and this is a secure facility, depart from here at once!

"Eltee, has asked me to tell you that we should give our southern friends the utmost cooperation." the younger man said.

"I have my orders, and I will not comply." said Nate.

"Nathan, dammit! the orders you follow were given nearly three hundred years ago, at the beginning of the big chill, and the people that gave them, are dead, and no longer graaping care. Do not make me haul the Eltee up here, as you know how old and frail he is."

Then an older, well dressed man stepped forward. "I am the kings historical scholar, Professor, Juan Calos Diega, we mean no harm, only wish to view the document, and possibly buy it, we are willing to pay a hefty sum."

"It is not for sale, it is not mine to sell, however against my better judgement, I will let you view it, follow me." said Nate. He lead them to an ancient, entrance to a bunker, inside he lit a small lamp, opened a locker, pulled out a leather bound folder, and placed it on a table.

It takes some guts to post writing and ask for criticism.

Man-o-man I find it hard to read without proper punctuation. I really have a hard time with the omission of quotation marks. It make is very hard to tell where the dialogue begins and ends.

I have read stuff written 200 years ago, that had no puncuation, what so ever.

I am learning a lot however, thanks to the gentleman from New Zealand, I have discovered these things call "paragraphs" I will study them and see if they might be usefull for something.

Curiously, when you posted this literature, you asked for comments. But when 2 critical comments then followed, you responded with sarcasm. Are you sure you want to pursue this activity in this site?

quote:

Originally posted by conifer:
Curiously, when you posted this literature, you asked for comments. But when 2 critical comments then followed, you responded with sarcasm. Are you sure you want to pursue this activity in this site?

Yes, I am good, but your concern is apreciated.

quote:

Originally posted by conifer:
Curiously, when you posted this literature, you asked for comments. But when 2 critical comments then followed, you responded with sarcasm. Are you sure you want to pursue this activity in this site?

You ain't never seen sarcasm from Mr Williams until you say that Blasers aren't God's gift to the rifle world!

Been reading a little Faulkner lately?

[/QUOTE]

You ain't never seen sarcasm from Mr Williams until you say that Blasers aren't God's gift to the rifle world![/QUOTE]

Since you so nicely requested.

Corjacks Prayer



The lord is my shepherd,I shall not want for a good rifle

He maketh me hunt in green pastures

He leads me to flyfish beside still waters

He restores my sole

He leads me on the game trails of ritousness for his names sake

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I shall fear no evil for you have furnished me an H&K
and thou art with me

Thy Blaser and thy Swarovski they comfort me

Thou preparest a table of wild game before me, in the presense of my enemies

Thou anointeth my head with oil, my game jacket overfloweth

Surely goodness and mercy and a good supply of Lapua brass will follow me all the days of my life

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever and extole the virtues of Sakos and Blasers

AMEN