I saw something the other day on TV about the best one liners in movie history, you know "I'll be back" and "Ya feel lucky punk". Well this got me thinking of some of the funny things I've said/heard while hunting that kinda stuck with me over the years.

Allow me to share some and please add yours to.

"We don't usually shoot them there", said by a friend of mine hunting in NY after I'd shot my first deer... right in the guts. (yes the deer was finnished off very quickly after that shot)

"Not today, Buckey", I said this after spotting the only black bear I'd seen all year 2 days before the season ended, trying to sneek out of sight.

"just walk away and nobody gets hurt" I said this one spring morning to a cow moose after ending up in between her and her calf while running bear bait. That little episode lasted about ten minutes.

"You guys spend too much time in the woods" A bird hunter I was guideing said this to me when we came accross a large porcupine and I asked if he'd like to see me catch it.

"No thanks, I choose life" A bear hunter siad this when they shot their bear right at dark and we headed in to look for it armed with nothing but a flashlight.

Anyway maybe they're only funny because I remember the situation , but hey hunting is all about the memories, eh?

The first time I went woodcock hunting it was drizzling and overcast just past dawn. The dog bumped a bird; it went straight up and I shot it. When I went up to it, I saw it was a robin. Expecting to be reamed out by my buddy, he said, "Damn, those things are hard to hit!"

"So, you practice shoot and release" was what I heard from my 14 year old daughter this past year after I missed badly on a nice deer.

Sometimes you just hate kids.

I was rabbit hunting one day with a crusty countryboy named Pugh one time. A huge canecutter (swamp rabbit that makes cottontails look anemic) jumped up and I shot all four legs out from underneath it. The rabbit crawled on it's ruined legs about five feet emitted the "death scream" and promptly died.

Pugh just looked at me smiling and said in his nasal twangy southern country voice. (Dead ringer for Earnest T. Bass)

"Did ya hear him squaller!! Heh! Heh! Heh!"

4 of us were in a duck blind a couple of years ago. Brian called in 8 ducks and they had their wings set, feet down. 4 of us fired 3 times each. As 6 of the ducks flew away, Brian said, "I believe we have PETA infiltrators amongst us."

Steve

"Son of a....This is not what you want to do son". Two seconds after plunging my knife into my hand while showing my 12 year old how to gut a deer.

On my uncle's porch in a cabin in the mountains one afternoon I shouldered his new shotgun. He told me to swing through a couple of times to feel how well it balanced. Just a my aunt came out on the porch with a pitcher of lemonade a hummingbird swooped accross the front of the porch just as I was swinging the barrel. My aunt screamed aghast, "Don't tell me you're going to shoot hummingbirds!" Before I could think of a what to say my uncle fired back to his wife, "Now you know it takes about a dozen of them to make a sandwich so we'll be out quite awhile."

My office partners secretary overheard me talking about a recent coyote hunt I had been on. She asks me what do I do with the coyotes after I shoot them. I replied I recycle them. She says thats ok, as long as they are not wasted.

She is NOT a blond.

How about, " I made your wife feel like a filthy whore while you were out hunting!"

I had to let one buck go. He was so big, it would take three guys to brag about it, and there is just the two of us.

quote:

How about, " I made your wife feel like a filthy whore while you were out hunting!"

Did she bark for you too Woo?

A former Florida governor on his first quail hunt inquired if it was okay to shoot quail on the ground, thinking both of his poor skills as a wing shooter and the legality. His "guide" for the day, thinking from a sportsman's perspective replied, "Yes, but you're a shitass if you do." The Governor did not understand THE CODE, and repeated his question and the response was, "Yes Bob, you can shoot them on the ground, but you're still a shitass if you do." He didn't shoot any on the ground. Thank God that shitass just retired!

I always enjoy those TV hunting shows where the star of the show says "now that there is a fine buck, probably about a 160-class - he'll be a real shooter NEXT year!"

There was a town clerk in a small town near my place in VT and he was a good talker. He was a good hunter as well haven taken about 50 bucks in his long life.

The law there is that a buck must have at least one antler thats 3" long. I shot one that was iffy. Do you measure from the skull or the boss?

Well anyway I brought the deer up to him to check out. He glanced at it and said "I have seen them shorter than that and they were three inches!"

His best one and it's a true story also was about when General Dwight Eisenhower came into his office to buy a fishing lic. and asked how it was around there. Old Harry gave him some tips so Ike asked him if he wanted to go fishing with him and Harry said "No thanks, they are not biting".

He had a copy of Ike's lic. in the corner of the frame of a large portait of Eisenhower that hung in his place.

"Relax lady,he's your elk...Just let me get my
saddle off him"

quote:

just walk away and nobody gets hurt"

A few years ago atr our Archery club pig roast a youngest cut in front of me to get at the pork.

My responce to the insolent pup..."Step away from the pork...no one has to die here today"

My Father Jack Sr. has spouted a few good one liners that I recall well as a kid. He has always been a fanatical elk hunter and if you go hunting with him here's a few you hear at top volume at 3:00 AM.

1. " Nobody sleeps unless I sleep"

2." Daylight in the swamps"

3." Get up and piss, The world's on fire"

4. You kids are so goddam dumb your happy"

5.Mr. Atcheson, Why are elk so difficult to kill"? His response to some mild competition. "Son, elk are maneaters! They chew people up and spit them out."

6." Dad, Do you want some Windex to wash your windshield"? "Hell No! Coffee works fine."

However, my all time favorite is one in the early seventies when I was 13 or so. The setting was SW Montana in late November. No less than 2-3 feet of fresh snow. He warned us about how tough it would be. When he leaves 2 hours before daylight he does not return until an elk is dead or 2 hours after dark.

Bull elk all over they place. He'd stop at nothing when tracking bulls. You either keep up or wimper back to the truck, if you could find it.

After hours of brutal sub-zero temps, deep drifts and straight up the mountain, my best friend and I were about to succomb. We stopped and dropped in the snow to our knees. My father walked back to us, grabbed us both and jerked us to our feet. He leaned over and pulled us in close and with red-faced intensity, growled, "Your not tired until I tell you your tired!" Keep UP"! That adequetely motivated us and we did.

We also killed a 7 point bull while my Dad watched. In case you didn't pick up on it, He was a Sargeant on the fronts lines in Korea.

keith i like #4 on that that list...... kinda like young an dumb and full of cum.........

Few of my Favorites.

#1 "If it's Brown it's Down"

usually said by hunters who are running out of patients waiting on a good buck, when it becomes legal to shoot does.

#2 "Furry Bastards"

aka Gray Squirrel (That got your adrenaline pumping, while on the deer stand)

#3 Got him with "My other Bow"

ie: the use of a .22 rimfire after missing a buck with the bow.

#4 "Shot him right at Dark" ie: (Thank God the moon was out)

My personal favorite.....

#5 "I hit him Hard, but there was no blood, hair, or nothing"

ie: I can't believe I missed, but I don't want to admit it to you yet. lol

True story.
WC Fields was at a party.A group of guys asked
if he wanted to go duck hunt in the morning,and
he accepted the invitation.Well when they picked
him up at dawn,both WC and the sun were lit up.
The three hosts left WC on one side of the pond
and proceeded to hunt the other side.A single
duck flew over the three hosts.They all emptied
thier guns as the duck flew by...headed to our
hero.As the duck near WC dispatched the bird
with a single shot.The wannabe hunters were
shocked and impressed.They rowed across the pond
and one asked "how on earth he hit the duck."

WC replied "when a flock that size comes by,your bound to hit one."

A friend was moose hunting years ago, and I heard him shoot 17 times.

The moose died, and when examined, had but one single bullet hole in him -- through his heart.

Back at camp, my friend was recounting the tale, and he said he only shot at the moose once.

I couldn't let that go, so I politely asked what the *&%#^* he meant!

He said that he had indeed only shot at the moose once, but he did allow that he shot 16 times to clear the brush out of his line of fire first.

jpb

An old-timer, wearing a red plaid hat, was sitting in a Vermont country store when a hunter came in wearing blaze orange hat, coat and pants.

After looking him over, the old-timer said "Ain't you takin an awful chanct wearin them black boots?"

The brother and I were having a hard time getting some call shy mallards into our decoy spread one morining...he was fairly new to calling at the time and working with a new call. I asked him if he minded if I gave him some advice...he replied "not at all whats up" I said "sounds like you might have some pitch issues with that new call....let me see it" he handed it to me and I promptly "pitched" into the river and added "there that should take care of it"

I was here in New England in a blind for the first time with a buddy a few years ago, a transplant from down south, and this was his first time out here. We went from seeing no birds to all of a sudden getting very heavy into ducks--they were all around us. We started banging away and dropping birds, and more were still circling and coming in; duck heaven. In the midst of it all, his cell phone rings, and I am kind of surprised to hear him say in his TN drawl "dang it, I knew those sunsabitches was going to call at the worst possible time" He's actually going to take a call, I thought? NOW? I watch him answer and say, "yeah...yeah, OK then, fine...OK, hey listen, know what, just give them the damn 2 million and be done with it OK? I gotta go. Huh? Yeah I'm sure; hell, ducks are everywhere!" Click.

Turns out he's an insurance adjuster for a large outfit, and there was a claim he'd been disputing for forever. When the secretary called for something or other, he ended the conversation simply by saying the company would pay the bitterly contested 2 million dollar suit.

I'm pretty sure he had some 'splainin to do back at the office Monday, but shit, we were into the birds!

These farm boys were of senior high school age and of course full of it. They were hunting racoons at night and rather than shoot the one way up in a hardwood one of them said that he was going to climb the tree and get it.

My friend who told me the story told him not to do it.

He climbed the tree anyway and of course ended on a limb with the coon on the small end of the branch. Since he had to hold onto the tree with one hand he grabbed the coon with the other and the coon promptly bit him on his thumb. He tried biting the coon back but the coon bit him on his cheek and chin.

When we was down out of the tree my friend told him "I told you not to do it"

Actual quote from a guy I used to hunt with: "If it flies, it dies - - - if I can hit it!" Most everything was safe, believe me.

One of the best, yep shot him right behind the shoulder in the heart. But never did find him dam bullet must of blew up. Or failed.

Wading a creek shining bullfrogs to shoot with our .22 pistols, we spotted one and it (or one nearby) croaked. My buddy instantly dropped into a gunfighter's crouch, hand hovering over his pistol:

He snarls, "You talkin' to me, frog?"

"Ain't nothin here, Im going home"

To set this up it's 9 am opening day. My kid and I are among the dozen or so hunters on a 1000 acre farm. He is up on the hill in the woods and I am watching some very large meadows with 600 yds and more for 180 degrees.

These are just some of the things that happened in the last three hours. In the dark some guy is sitting in my stand. I can't tell if he is sleeping or drunk but he is holding a 7600 pump and won't answer. I go to a second spot and a deer walks right behind another hunter at 400 yds and looks at him unseen. I think about letting one go from the 264? No, am too old for that.

Then a legal doe runs in front of me at 300 yds and I let it go. Too hard a shot. Next a guy starts dragging a fork horn in front of me. This takes an hour. While he is dragging a coyote goes behind him and I have to pass it up. He goes for rope and comes back and of course has to rest and talk to me. Finally some guy walks in front of me and says that his back hurts (he looks as fit as a Navy Seal) and says he is going back to the truck. This may be the guy who we heard on our channel on the FSR.

So when the call comes over the radio my kid, who is not sure, questions if we are in the right spot. Twenty minutes later I hear a single shot and he radio's that he got a buck.

"Ain't nothin here" yea sure.

We had just arrived back at the truck late in the morning on opening day of the Utah deer hunt. Our truck was parked just off the road. As we ate lunch a doe and her twin fawns were coming out of a ravine not 100 yards away. We heard a truck on the road and then it stops. Doors slam, and guys are talking very excitedly.

Then one guy says, very loud, "There goes one big buck and two little bucks!!" The guys started shooting at the doe and fawns and we started yelling at the guys. A quick look at the California plates told the story.

Corax,

Thanks for the laugh!

Nothing more fun than a classic understated zinger.

A day before the Sprig season re-opened (we have a split season for Sprig during duck season here in California) a sprig was shot by one of our party.
Rather than bury it, I opted to put it in my bag and bring it in.
A friend said "What about the Warden?"; to which I replied "Fuck the Game Warden".

5 minutes later I meet the warden.
One month later I am pleading guilty in court, and paying a $455 fine.

This happened a couple years ago while hunting public land. I had already settled into my stand when another group of hunters' conversation came over my two-way radio. They were discussing where each of them would hunt. One of them was coming my way. (to a saddle)

Never one to miss an opportunity, I replied in my best redneck dialect, "I'm over here watching this saddle. Man, I don't know about you, but this fucking public land hunting is pissing me off and I'm gonna shoot at anything that makes a noise!"

About 10 years ago, at about noon on opening day of the deer season, I had a doe and two fawns run right past my ground blind, not 6 feet away. The next day at about the same time, my hunting partner came over to my blind and I was telling him about the deer and showing him how close they were to where we were. Not 2 minutes later, while we were both standing there, the three deer came running by again. He looked at the deer, looked at me, and said, "Now tell me about the buck that came through here last year."

Fast Ed

"I can't believe you missed it! Let me show you how it's done..." Needless to say, that groundhog lived to see another day!