Gidday Guys,

I have also posted this in the humour forum.

*John Cleese's Letter to America*

To the citizens of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of
your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas , which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America
without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine
whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.

Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour'. Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "ise".

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you may
elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply can't
cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is
unacceptable and an inefficient form of communication.

5.There is no such thing as " US English." We will let Microsoft know on
your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen",but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2 nd
will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It
will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only
be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown
up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we
mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British
sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling "gasoline") - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato
chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut, fried in
animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with vinegar.

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
customers.

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually
beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to
as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be
referred to as "Lager". American brands will be referred to as
"Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine", so that all can be sold without risk of
further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to
play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English
dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience akin to
having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American "football." There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it "soccer". Those of you brave enough
will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is not played
outside of America . Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent ( i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese


Happy Hunting

Hamish

Well there is a whole lot of water between Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II ( whom I have great respect and admiration for) and the United States of America. The Royal Navy is not what it once was, as demostrated by Armed Royal Marines not to long ago. Gave up with out a shot. That being the case, the U.S. Navy which has ruled on,above and under the wave since June 5, 1942 will have somthing to say about rovocation of our independance. Not that we would want to get ourselves into a shooting war with the Queens Navy. After all the Sovereign in her own right owns a good bit of Wyoming and some choice horse country in Kentucky. My guess when you socialist run the Crown out of England, the Crown will take up residence in Jackson Hole. So Mr. John Cleese's who has made quite a bit of money over the years working here should return all monies made since he finds America such stupid place and made such an appauling choice in Leadership. My guess Winston would have problems too if he was running things over there these days. As for you Hamish go shoot something it will make you feel better.

Thats some funny shit!

Can we still annex Canada???

Gidday George,

You are right I do feel a lot better when I shoot something.

I'm glad you guys are taking this in the light hearted manner it was intended.

Having served with 3 Raiding Squadron Royal Marines I can assure you that these guys are no poofter softies. They are some of the hardest fighters I have had the honour of serving with so I don't know how they managed to be taken so easily other than a 7.62 GPMG on a rigid raider doesn't go up against a 20mm cannon too well. Let alone four of them. I think they came out with the best result possible under the circumstances.

When I received this I thought you guys would get a bit of a kick out of it.

Happy Hunting

Hamish

Not especially!! Why would we want Canada, we have too many liberals the way it is!!

quote:

Congress and the Senate will be
disbanded.

Surely no rational TAX Payer would argue with that concept. Especially right now with harry reed making a complete horses-clinton of himself every day.

Rumor has it the Queen will be in KY for The Derby.

she can have everything north of mason dixon

quote:

she can have everything north of mason dixon

Only if the mason dixon is extended to the north edge of Wyoming! You can drop out kolorado!

quote:

Not especially!! Why would we want Canada, we have too many liberals the way it is!!

Boy that's for damn sure!

Hee hee, don't forget what happened last time you tried to invade Canada!!!



the chef

quote:

Originally posted by Hamish:
Gidday George,

You are right I do feel a lot better when I shoot something.

I'm glad you guys are taking this in the light hearted manner it was intended.

Having served with 3 Raiding Squadron Royal Marines I can assure you that these guys are no poofter softies. They are some of the hardest fighters I have had the honour of serving with so I don't know how they managed to be taken so easily other than a 7.62 GPMG on a rigid raider doesn't go up against a 20mm cannon too well. Let alone four of them. I think they came out with the best result possible under the circumstances.

When I received this I thought you guys would get a bit of a kick out of it.

Happy Hunting

Hamish

Hamish:
Two things.
1. What in hell are "poofter softies"?
2. It's spelled "H O N O R" Maybe you guys should get over it. It's called Americanese.

Ok, now, just kidding. Good original post. Keep 'em coming. Bear in Fairbanks

Couldn't the queen just have our George II put on the pillory block for a while? Seems it would be a lot simpler than re-integration.

Mr. Cleese may be a bit out of touch with modern British English, at least with regards to item 17. Many of the Brits I've met in this part of England use the word "soccer" to describe the game. I've even heard it used on BBC.

It's funny, I banter with some Kiwi friends that I work with all the time about holidays. When we call each other on a bank holiday I'll always joke with them about having 40 holidays off every year and they do the same thing to me.

Most of the holidays are very similar but the only one that they don't understand is our "Independence Day". I guess the whole concept is foreign to them.

George Bernard Shaw said that Americans and Englishman are two people seprated by a common language. The British would walk in front of a speeding train rather that see anything bad or evil happen the the United States and its the same for us to see anything bad happen to Britian. Thats the fact of it, and when its all said and done. That goes for the Aussie's and the New Zealanders too.

Hey, I can get along with the Queen pretty well, I'm sure.

However, try to foist Charlie-poo on us, and we'll re-educate you on the concept of "revolution". Except we wouldn't stop until there were grits on every menu in London, and the waitresses greet everyone with 'how y'all doing!". JMO, Dutch.

I think Canada owes us British Columbia and the Yukon Territory for all the "adjacent to" protection they have received through the years.

They especially owe us land for selling oil to the Chinese, when we are one fence away!

The nice thing about taking over BC and the Yukon is we wouldn't have a border to stop at on the drive to Anchorage.

Gidday George:

I believe your post is the "pot calling the kettle black". If memory the colonies kicked your buts out of here a hundred and twenty five years ago. If memory serves me correcly the US pulled the Queens bunns out of the fire in 1919 and again in 1941. If some of those Brit socialist that came over here seeking their freedom and don't like it here would just pack up and go back to that little island where they came from we all would be a little better off. As for our George we have our own idiot. But his clock is ticking and we do get rid of our idiots every 4-8 years and replace them with a new idiot. It seems you have your own token idiot and a elected idiot sucking on the tax payers tit.

Again I say it sounds like the pot calling the kettle black.

Long shot

Ham,
Wanna meet me after school in the alley mate, I'll kick your bloody snob ass and I'll tie me right hand behind me back laddie buck!

As I recall we kicked your ass sometime back, me thinks it was around 1776, and we pulled you outta the muck around 1942, and on more than one ocasion. YOur a clown Charlie Brown.

Yer country is a county where I hail from, God Bless Texas.

Elkman 2
Its funny,Western Canada thought the same way about the US when you had Clinton in. Ha ha

Maybe somebody best check with Snopes on this. I saw the original post on another site and Snopes said it's false according to one poster.
Wish somebody had checked this out before everybody got their pantied snarled up in a wad.
Paul B.

I think I agree with Akinson on this one, bring your buddy so I can kick some smarty pants hinny too.

The whole world is either jealous of us or doesn't like the fact we can and will stand on our own. If it wasn't for the USA they would all speak German or Japanese.
I know most of em don't like us but SO WHAT y'all can kiss it where the sun don't shine, and your royalty too.

In America we don't accept such as that, and I don't care what ya read in the press us ordinary average guys don't go for all that PC crapo you read either, and for Pete's sake stop coming here, take a wolf and go home.

We are FREE our forefathers fought and died so we can be what did yours do? salute the Queen and bow down then too I guess?
I better shut up cause I got a thing about some of you foreign )*(&*^^"S Running my country down. Let me give ya a hint, don't come do that or burn my flag where I can get to ya. cause were both gonna be sorry afterward.

If the queen would deport all the illegal (or legal) texans and californicators out of IDAHO I might just be tempted.

quote:

Originally posted by SG Olds:
If the queen would deport all the illegal (or legal) texans and californicators out of IDAHO I might just be tempted.

I moved from Idaho to California.

Fjold,

I have thought of doing that. There are probably fewer californians there.

I rescued a Kuvazs from Bakersfield. The only californian I like. He is a hell of a dog.

One good turn deserves another...

TO THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED KINGDOM OF GREAT BRITAIN AND NORTHERN IRELAND:

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention. On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation, we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your "aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy (an Englishman) invented the name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic. (Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 - 97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies. Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels", "Trainspotting", and "The Full Monty". We've also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Brittania ditty, it's toetapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics. United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro 2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing, it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".

Thank you for your time. You can now return to watching bad Australian soap operas.

PS: regarding WW2: You're Welcome.

WTF is spotted dick? This whole thing is funnier than shit.

Atkinson,

It is true we won the Revolutionary War however, and we indeed saved their bacon in WWII. However, the Brits militarily won the War of 1812... you remember that little conflict where they set Washington DC and the White House on fire and assisted Canada in repelling 5 or 6 invasion attempts from the US forces. Only diplomacy and an armistice prevented any surrender by the US.

quote:

Originally posted by calgarychef1:
Hee hee, don't forget what happened last time you tried to invade Canada!!!



the chef

hey, a time machine and 50lb of beef jerky could correct that...

with a decent meal Benedict Arnold's troops probably would have won, making the invasion attempts in the war of 1812 moot.

And BTW, remember the real reason the war ended
because the english were actually losing money on the whole things through elevated insurance rates from Lloyds.

quote:

WTF is spotted dick?

Some pudding the English make that is full of raisins... beats me why they call it by that name. Queer lot.... the Brits.

Steamed pudding with raisins,nice with ice cream