So many threads here have been dragged into the toilet lately, so I thought it's time to have a bit of fun.

I wrote the following about 15-16 years ago. Try adding some "Murphy items" to the list.

Oh, and let's see how long we can keep this thread on topic without all the name-calling, insults and other personal attacks.

********************

Copyright by Tony Mandile

MURPHY WAS AN OUTDOORSMAN

Three decades of roaming the great outdoors in search of fish and game has taught me a lot. I have become familiar with many of Arizona's good hunting and fishing spots. By learning from my mistakes, I have honed my techniques so my successes have occurred regularly. On the other hand, some of my experiences have convinced me Murphy's "anything that can possibly go wrong will go wrong" neatly applies to hunting and fishing. In fact, I have no doubt Murphy was, indeed, an outdoorsman!

So, with an air of lightness and humor, I'll relate some of the "Murphyisms" I have gathered over the past 30 years. Some have been my actual experiences, but I refuse to say which ones. (SMILE)

First, let's take a look at what I lovingly refer to as the "famous last words list. ”Most of these were uttered by my hunting and fishing partners, of course.

• "We won't need that much food. We'll eat some of the fish we catch.”

• "I don't need a compass. I've never been lost in my life.”

• "In 4-wheel drive, my truck can go anywhere.”

• "Don't worry about climbing over it. That barbed-wire fence might look a little shaky, but the staples will hold.”

• "My rifle still should be sighted in from last year.”

• "Yea, I've eaten that kind of wild mushroom before. They're harmless.”

• "We'll take my truck. I just had everything checked out on it.”

• "I'll lend you one of my air mattresses that doesn't leak.”

• "Nah, leave your raingear in camp. The weatherman said it won't rain this weekend.”

• "We'll cook the roast in a pit while we're hunting. When we get back to camp, dinner will be ready.”

• "I never forget the salt and pepper (substitute toilet paper, lantern fuel, forks or any other necessary item).”

• "Hey, I've had a trainer work with that dog for months. He'll stand rock-solid until you bust out the birds.”

• "Oh yea, it's the gentlest horse in the string. We usually let the kids ride it.”

• "We can leave the food out. I've never seen bears around here.”

• "Heck yes, it's easy; we catch a limit of trout every time.”

• "I sure can't understand how anyone can miss an elk.”

• "Yes, I'm positive I put the plug in the boat.”

• "No, these boots won't leak. They have a lifetime guarantee.”

Now, here are some probable "Murphyisms" you might encounter if you spend enough time in the outdoors.

• Wading to a good fishing spot often results in the water being at least an inch higher than your boots or waders.

• The one time in 15 years a game warden stops at your camp and asks to see your license, you discover it's in your wallet. Unfortunately, the wallet is still on your dresser at home.

• The rod-tip you step on and break will be attached to your newest, high-priced graphite rod, which you bought on a close-out sale at half-price.

• If a fish throws a lure as you are getting ready to net it, it never will be a small one.

• After you've hunted for four days without seeing a buck, a trophy will run across the road just as you leave camp and head for home. Naturally, the sun had set an hour earlier.

• You travel to a place where the fishing has been outstanding. While you are there, a new Guiness record will be set for the longest period without anyone on the lake getting a bite.

• While you're out hunting, a heavy rain moves in and you soon discover on your return to camp that the tent leaked. Invariably the one little leak soaked your sleeping bag.

• The only time anyone ever asks whether you got your deer is when you haven't.

• If you take your wife fishing, she always will outfish you, regardless of how skilled she is.

• You bring a new bird-dog pup home and quickly find he likes chewing things. His first chew toy was a new pair of $250 Tony Lama boots.

• A covey of quail will rise anytime you have your shotgun unloaded to cross a fence line.

• When you start catching fish on a specific lure, you will snag and lose it. Worse yet, it was the only one in your tackle box.

• The dealer who sold you the outboard motor stocks over 8,000 parts for it. The one you need, however, is currently out of stock and will take 6 weeks for delivery. This only happens when you're leaving for the lake the next day.

• The shortcut you take to get back to camp always ends at a steep cliff or impenetrable maze of catclaw. You finally get to camp and discover that your buddies, thinking you would spend the night afield, ate your share of dinner.

• A good hatch will occur as soon as you climb out of your waders, break down your flyrod and head for the car.

• If you can't drink your coffee without sugar, you can bet the guy responsible for getting the groceries forgot it.

• You will drop your tackle box only when you haven't latched the lid tightly.

• When you take pictures of the biggest fish or the best buck you have ever taken, the photo processor will lose the film.

• You buy a new baitcasting reel and practice with it for weeks. Then your first cast in front of your guide results in a hopeless bird's nest. As the guide cuts it out with his knife, you notice he isn't smiling.

• Teach a beginner how to tie a fool-proof knot, and the next fish you hook will untie yours. The novice, no doubt pretending he didn't see it happen, will turn his back.

• Whoever is cooking breakfast will turn out perfect eggs until it's your turn to eat. Although you ordered sunny-side-up, you will eat scrambled eggs or nothing; all of the eggs are gone.

• Your outboard motor runs great for the entire 20 miles to the far end of Roosevelt Lake. This is not the case on the return trip, however.

• You never fall on your rifle scope and knock it out of whack five minutes AFTER you have an opportunity at a good trophy.

• If you are walking back to camp along a road and someone stops to offer a ride, the vehicle will break down. By the time you get back to camp, you are tired, hungry and look like a backyard mechanic. Without fail, no one remembered to bring soap.

You're probably nodding your head and saying, "Boy I remember the time. . . . .” Well, here's a little story that might have some significance if you fly commercial airlines in your pursuit of game and fish.

A hunter walked up to the airline check-in counter, placed his three bags on the scale and handed his ticket to the pretty blond behind the counter.

The reservation clerk smiled. ”Good morning, Mr. Jones. I see you are going to Anchorage today. Are these all of your bags?"

"Yes, mam, that's it. Oh, before I forget; I would like these two sent to Anchorage and the gun case shipped to Detroit.”

Looking somewhat puzzled by the strange request, the comely girl's expression went serious.” I'm sorry, sir, but we can't do that. Your luggage must go to the final destination on your ticket.”

"What do you mean you can't do it! You did it the last time I flew on your airline.”

----- 30 -----

Murphy has a friend named O'Reilly. O'Reilly sez his friend Murphy is not a realist, but a pie in the sky optomisit.

Best

GWB

Those lists cover I believe everything I have ever heard in a hunting camp. Thanks Tony

I usually fall under the "Borden's" rule. He thought Murphy was an Optimist.

Don't worry...this snakes harmless.

"4-wheel drive just gets you more stuck. My truck will be fine."

"You remember that blind. We went down that road to the left after the cattle guard. 'Should be no problem finding it tomorrow morning."

"Those goats can't bother a feeder."

"I never seen hogs on this place."

"The hogs have gone nocturnal."

"The hogs are everywhere."

"It was about 300 yards out there, but it's a doe."

"I don't usually snore."

"I don't usually have to get up to go to the bathroom."

"That should be enough wood for tonight."

"We don't usually see illegals on this place."

"Rats can't get in here."

And, last, but not least: "The place just gets covered up in doves."

You should have been here yesterday!

Four AM comes early. I always wake everybody in camp. I tell em "it ain't easy being macho"

Best

GWB

I'm positive the first aid kit's under the seat in the truck.

The tool box is under the dog boxes, I'm pretty sure.

Yep, I checked the spare just before we left.

.357 Sig? I thought sure I brought the .357 mag ammo.

"It's only a mile or so"! An hour and a half later, "We're nearly There".

"Aww, It's Only A Little Clear Up Shower"!

"This Road Was Good The Last Time I Was Thru Here"!

Thanks Tony,
I know Mr Murphy on a first name basis...Your writing brought a big smile...

On the late night drive to your favorite hunting camp spot, the fuel warning light went on about 100 miles after passing a gas station. The gas gauge needle is now but a milimeter from the "empty" line.

No problem. From past trips you know the 24-hr. QwikiFill, the last gas station before camp, is less than a mile ahead.

As you pull up into the now dark driveway, the headlights shine on the large sign in the window: New Hours -- 6 a.m. to 6 p.m.

You're thankful that your sleeping bag is within easy reach.


Of course, this never happened to me...

quote:

Of course, this never happened to me...

Right.

"As I read them rules, it's OK to shoot two bucks in one morning"

"So take 'um right on in to the check station"

"As I read that map, this right HERE is the pheasant field where we got permission"

"As I read the calendar, today is the opening day of teal season"

"Why are so few hunting today?"

"I keep telling you, there ain't too much wheat seed on this here dove field"

"That ice is thick enough to get out of the duck boat and walk on"

"That bottom is solid enough to wade out there after that duck"

"We won't have to fetch a boat to pull you out"

"You won't need mosquito repellent this time of year"

"Snakes falling from trees into the boat? Never..."

"Snakes hiding under the boat when you go to turn it over? Never heard of it..."

"This four wheel drive handles any mud"

"This four wheel drive will go right up that steep icy road"

"That bridge is OK. The sleet hasn't turned to ice yet"

"Just gun that THREE wheeler - it'll climb right over that log"

"Honey, hold that rod still and don't try to cast this jig til I get it tied right, or you'll hook me"

Whew!! That's enuf for now...

quote:

"As I read them rules, it's OK to shoot two bucks in one morning"

Actually, depending on where you are hunting, it is okay to shoot 2 bucks in one morning.

quote:

Originally posted by Topgun 30-06:
You should have been here yesterday!

Used buy guides when they haven't seen game or fish for a week.

quote:

Originally posted by pagosawingnut:
I usually fall under the "Borden's" rule. He thought Murphy was an Optimist.

Gee And I thought that was "O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's law"

Good post!

Brings back a lot of memories, unfortunately.