Here kitty kittyBy RM007

Wife has been complaining about racoons getting into our trash cans. I don't like shooting the little devils, had to many as pets when I was a kid. So I go buy a hav-a-hart trap and promptly catch the neighbors fat crat,twice. Wife releases said crat and shoo's {her term not mine} him home, before I can boot his fat ass. Next day after trash pickup I notice empty trash can on its side
and can see furry body moving around. Figure I can sneak up, right can and scare hell out of coon. As I jerk can upright and lid closes I catch aroma. Not a coon but a damn skunk in trash can. As I walk the can down the driveway to the back yard I figure I'll just kick the can over next to the woods and get rid of my problem. Low and behold look what is in my trap again. You got it the neighbors black and white crat. I can't stop laughing and I haven't even done anything yet. Yep you got it crat goes in trash can and I grab a couple pices of duct tape and tape the lid down. Lots of hissing going on in can but no fight yet. I grab a 2x4 and proceed to beat hell out of trash can and roll it towards the woods, flip can over a few times. Hell of a party going on, lots of squalling, hissing and big stink. Can't stop laughing as I continue to beat on can with 2x4. I have to go sit down and catch my breath and stop laughing. Lots of squalling still going on. I use 2x4 to pop top off trash can, neighbor crat flies out with skunk attached to his ass and heads straight home through the woods. Now I'm laughing so hard I'm dizzy. Ok first things first. Throw arm full of newspapers in stinking trash can and roll it back out front, holding my breath all the way. Throw lit matchs in trash can use 2x4 to prop lid up to get air. Walk back to house get cold beer call Sheriffs Dept to report kids set trash can on fire. Then call trash company and get new trash can delivered. Can't wait till wife talks to the neighbor so I can get the rest of the story

Rest of story, by RM007

Wife called me at work today. Seems she was talking to the neighbor lady. My wife starts off her conversation with "Remember the kitty[crat] you kept catching in the racoon trap?" Yes, I reply. Well you won't believe what happened. The poor kitty [crat] came home yesterday and it had been in a fight with a skunk and had to go to the Vet. How do you know it was a skunk? I reply.
Well it seems the afore mentioned crat had been sprayed by the skunk. Clap "Why would you take a cat to the Vet for being sprayed?" I ask. Well it seems said crat needed 14 stiches, shots,
and cleaning-- $432 Vet bill jump and to top it off the Vet is going to keep the crat for 30 days for observation incase of rabies. Another $75. Thats to bad I state trying not to laugh in the phone. "Oh by the way the trash company brought a new trash can today." I hung up on her then animal animal animal animal animal animal After I stopped laughing I called back and asked "what happened? we got disconnected"


Begin OEH section

CAT TRAINING

My cat loving neighbor is not dumb, but at times is not too bright. She wanted to train her cat to stay in her
yard which is a very good thing. She made one major assumption that is generally faulty - that cats are trainable. She got a dog training shock collar and put it on her large old cat. When the cat goes where it shouldn't she thought that she would just shock it with the dog collar to train it to stay home. I didn't argue with her. She still does not know that I hate cats and came over to ask my help in setting up the collar. I helped her program the unique code in the transmitter and the collar which she appreciated. What she didn't know was that I went down and bought another identical dog shock collar transmitter and set it to match her transmitter. I waited until late at night and did the shock collar routine about twenty times. By the twentieth
pulse the cat was undoubtedly frazzled and probably had completely emptied its bladder on whatever it was near when the shock pulse came through. I stopped the shocks when a light came on in their house probably because of the racket the cat was probably making. The neighbor let her cat out the next day and tried the shock training
when it got to the edge of the yard. The cat just went nuts. The neighbor asked if she was doing anything wrong
and I assured her that it takes a week or so for the cat to catch on. That was the best week I have had in a
long time. I shocked the cat everytime it went to poop, get a drink, or eat from its dish. The cat was a total
mental case at the end of the week. I had to have my ribs taped from laughing so much.

GOOD DRIVER

Hauled the garbage can to the curb last Friday just before pick up time. Didn't want to miss the
pickup with the open cans of cat bait, excuse me, cat food in my garbage can. The stuff stinks
as far I am concerned. Walked back to the porch to relax in my chair and enjoy the morning. After about
ten minutes a crat came sulking along the edge of my yard heading for my garbage can. I was about to slip
back into the house to get the Mauser 98 in 45 ACP. The 28 inch barrel makes it real quite. I stopped when
I saw the garbage truck coming up my street. Didn't really need a witness. The crat had made it to my
garbage can and hopped up into it to check for goodies. He hopped back out when the garbage truck's long
mechanical arm grapped the can. The operator shouted to me "That your cat?". I replied "Hell no, I hate
cats!". The operator didn't pick up the can, but let the truck idle there until the cat got enough confidence
up and jumped back into the can after the cat food. The operator promptly re-engaged the mechanical arm and
hoisted the can with the cat into the big trash bin of the truck and them turned on the trash bin compactor
to make room for more crats, I mean trash. I walked over and asked the operator how he liked his coffee and
he said "Black with a little Jack if you have it" I quickly fetched a mug of hot brew with a couple shots of
Jack Daniels added. When I handed it to the operator I thanked him for improving my day. He said he seldom
gets opportunities like that and it is dicey swerving to hit crats in the big truck while driving down residential
streets. He said he will add it to his score and credit me with an assist.

TYPE OF CAT

I stopped in a pet store to get a dog food dish to use to hold bullets while I am reloading. I like the rounded botton and the no-spill shape, plus they are cheap. An engaging little girl was looking at a cat in a display cage and asked me what kind of cat that was. I toned down my response since her dad was standing next to her.
I told her it was a very old type of cat known as a "target cat". In a loud and excited voice she proclaimed to her dad and all the other customers "That cat's a target!" I head for the check out counter quietly while the other customers were trying to convince the girl that the cat wasn't a target. She wouldn't believe them and kept yelling "The cats a target! The cat's a target cat. That nice old man told me so!".

CRANSTONS PLACE


It was a hectic day at the local animal rescue center when the quiet bearded old
man came through the door. No one paid much attention to him until Molly noticed
him patiently waiting at the counter. Molly asked "What can I do for you?". He
replied "I'd like to volunteer to help with your rescue work". Molly was surprised
and pleased and asked "Every done much with cats, we need someone to help rescue
over a hundred cats from an old ladies place?". The old man assured her he knew
how to handle cats. Molly told him he would have to go through a couple of hours
of orientation on their procedures and then they would send him out to the lady
Cranston's place in the country. The old man nodded and Molly showed him into a back room
and gave him the manuals to read. Several hours later Molly handed him the keys
to the truck and gave him a map with the Cranston's place marked on it.

It wasn't easy to find the Cranston's place but once you got close you knew it
was the right place with all the cats in residence. Old lady Cranston has passed
away a week ago and the cats had not been fed since then. The cats were glad to
see the old man pull up. They gathered around him expecting to be fed. In the
back of the big truck he pulled out cages and put a bit of food in each and as
many cats as would fit before he put each cage back in the truck and got out another
cage. The Chevy step van held thirty cages which he finally filled. After the
cats were loaded there were a few strays left. The old man went to the truck cab
and got out the cans of spray paint he bought on the way and covered over the
nicely lettered NEW JERSY SPCA sign with white paint to match the rest of the van.
He then swapped out the plates with the ones he had taken from an old truck.


As he pulled out of the Cranston's place he had to swerve a few times to make sure
he ran over the strays. The next day after driving all night and taking back roads
to avoid the inspection stations he finally made it into Florida. He pulled into
a country lane and shoved food into all the cat cages to keep his prisoners alive
for awhile longer. A few more hours of driving and he reached his rural
destination. Pulling into the drive he saw a man filling in a hole in his backyard
and grinning. The man put his rifle on the back porch and approached the truck.

The old man asked "Would you be Digital Dan? I brought you some gator food from
Yankee land. Got any beer?" Dan grinned and asked "You seem familliar for some reason, where do
I know you from?".

THUNDER

It had been three days since his belly had been full of warm meat. The kill
had been satisfying and he still relished ripping open the breast of the
quivering young quail. Though he wanted to rest, hunger was forcing him to forage
quite a distance from his normal hunting ground. Out here he had to work for each
kill. He could no longer just wait under the porch for unsuspecting prey, and the
humans no longer put a food dish out each morning. There had been no humans at the
house for weeks. He must have traveled thirty miles over the sage flats. The
terrain was easy but the prey was scarce. No more dishes of milk awaited him. No
more back scratches or belly rubs. Though meals were scarce, he was getting
adjusted to the new habitat and he felt his primal behavior strengthening.

There was thunder in the distance but he headed that way because he saw roof tops
far away with the promise of humans and easy living. The sage brush was getting
taller and the rabbit droppings more frequent. His spirits rose with the prospect
of encountering an unsuspecting bunny and an easy meal. The thunder was closer but
there were no clouds in the sky. His gait slowed as he ascended the steep hill.
He had learned to crest rises slowly to surprise prey. He looked over the ridge
and saw the building he was seeking. He detected no dogs and proceeded down the
slope. A tin can was sitting out in the open offering the possibility of food.
The hunger in his belly made him head for the tin can. Reaching the can he placed
a paw on top to tip it over. The last clap of thunder he would never hear. The
405 grain cast bullet from Old Elk Hunter's 458 Win Mag was already on its way.
With predictable accuracy it hit its mark and Old Elk Hunter grinned and added one
more to his crat count.

Another good day at the range.

GOOD DRIVING

Was across the street talking to my neighbor who rolled the cat flat last week. We were standing in his garage
talking about building winch mounts when he dropped his beer and grabbed a broom and started chasing something.
He came back and salvaged what was left of his beer and muttered something about a persistent tom cat. It seems
that one old tom kept coming over and sniffing the area where the cat was crushed on his driveway. He would then start marking everything he could. Weird behavior that was stinking up my neighbors garage. I gave him a few suggestions from you guys on what to do to get rid of the tom cat. He was just about through with his beer when he saw the tom sneaking into his garage on the side where his garden tools are kept.

I grabbed his beer when he reached for the broom. For a few minutes it was chaos as my neighbor tried to shoo
the cat out. The old tom was determined to stay in the garage. The tom darted under my neighbor's electric
lawn mower's deck and refused to come out, snarling all the while. My neighbor was pissed and looked at me
and asked "What do I do with this damn cat?". I looked around and saw a roll of duct tape on his workbench.
I peeled off a couple feet of tape and wrapped it around the lawn mower handle and the safety bail thus
overriding the safety switch. I then set the mower control to "ON" which did nothing since it wasn't plugged
in. My neighbor quickly caught on and threw me the end of a long extension cord which I plugged into the
mower before I moved over near him and the electrical outlet. With a malicious and Satanic grin my neighbor
plugged the extension cord into the wall outlet while he muttered something like "F*&% cat, meet your maker!".

What happened next had to be seen to be believed. It was like a garage version of a blender with a howl from
the cat and then chunks and goo blowing out the discharge chute of the mower. The smell was incredible.


I can no longer watch the TV ads for food processors without grinning.

SUPER GLUE

I have seen ....

A cat glued by its feet to the hood of a car.

A cat glued to the siding of a cat lovers house just below their bed room window.

Cats glued together by their paws. Ugly sight.

A mean dog with a cat glued to its nether regions by the cats belly hair. It was hard to tell what
was going on with the dog running so fast and changing directions every ten feet or so.

A cat glued to an archery target. My neighbor will have a hard time explaining that to his cat loving wife
after she found the cat with his arrow in it. That will teach him to bad mouth the South.

Rabbit skin glued all over a cat just before he was let loose in prime coyote hunting country. There was a
bell also attached to the rabbit fir.

A cat glued to the outside of a mini-van that had a Garfield stuck to the inside with suction cups.

A cat glued to the side of the house of a cat lover. This was near the door with the cats paw glued to the
door bell, at 2:00 AM.

A cat's tail glued to the antenna of a cat lovers car, to the truck lip of a cat lovers car, to the front of
a cat lovers car at the edge of the hood.

Four live mice glued to the paws of a cat before he was put back in his yard.

The nether regions of a foul Tom glued throughly shut.

A dumb cat lover who didn't want his female bred by the local Toms glued a square of stainless steel mesh over
her love port.

A cat glued to a skateboard by only the two front paws and one rear one. This resulted in some confused
cat loving neighbors when this cat was seen pushing a skateboard down their street somewhat erratically.


Honestly, I don't know where the neighborhood kids got all those tubes of thick Super Glue. And I also don't
know where all those thick welding gloves came from.

CAT BOWLING

Find a bunch of cats, super glue their feet to small rounds of plywood. Replace the pins in the
bowling alley with foot-glued cats. Instead of a bowling ball put a small dog in a chest harness and grab the top of the harness. Bowl with dog as you would a real bowling ball. Laugh alot at the results and drink more beer. Don't volunteer to be the pin setter.

GET ON TV


I keep seeing TV shows about people who build contraptions to launch pumkins as far as possible. Why can't we have a cat launching contest using the same machines? Shove a cat into a tube and apply 3000 PSI air and see how far he goes! We could have a grand finale where we use an oversized launcher and see how far PETA people can travel. You know they would attend the event to protest, so why not launch a few to show that we are equal opportunity launchers!

The contestants had all kinds of names painted on their launchers. I would call mine the Ultimate Pussy
Pumper.

STREET SWEEPER

Was visiting a friend in town after the recent snow storms. A dog was chasing a cat around the houses when a streetsweeper came around the corner with its wide circular steel wire sweepers removing the crud on the road. The dog was gaining on the cat and the cat zigged when it should have zagged and ran under the street sweeper. After the sweeper passed my attention was focused on the white Honda across the street with the fresh red graphics sprayed all over it. Here and there some grey fur clumps where sliding down the side of the Honda.

Another great moment in my dull life.


PUNT

Just got home, stepped out of the car into a pile of fresh cat shit. Glanced at the flower bed and saw the cat taking another dump. Three short steps and I had punted the cat like a football. Finished the upward swing of my leg and saw the neighbor's distraught look as the cat came sailing her way. It made a sickening pre-death sound in flight. Regained my composure and yelled at her "And I want you to come over and shovel this other pile of shit after you bury the cat." Wiped the shit off my shoe on the lawn and stomped into the house. I suppose that the shit will really hit the fan when her husband comes home or she calls the cops. So much for impulsive moves. More later.

DESTINY

It had been a rewarding walk trough the sage brush. The Ruger 20 gauge O/U had popped to my shoulder many times
in a familiar fluid motion to lay its deadly cargo of shot into the path of a fleeing jackrabbit. The reward was
primal and satisfying when your body and mind function together to complete the ageless task of the hunter. I have long ago quit trying to explain this union to mindless city dwellers. They will never know the feeling of completion derived from a successful hunt. The only thing close to that for them is passionate sex but often that is a mere hollow experience compared to making the kill. We were born to be predators.

The feeling of satisfaction was beginning to subside when I was in sight of the yellow coated steel of my Jeep.
My attention was switching to the needs of driving back home when I caught a glimpse of motion to the left.
I turned to see what it was and could only discern a shaking grey mass. Quickly my mind focused on this
shapeless form and recognized that it was a tom cat engaged in breeding a willing female feral house cat.
Thoughts of driving back home vanished as my primal relexes re-engaged. As one the Ruger and I came together
to complete our mission. I vaguely sensed the recoiling shotgun as my mind focused on the intended quary.
My focus remained until my eyes confirmed the completion of the task at hand as they passed onto the primal
center of my brain the image of the tom being sprayed across the nearby sagebrush. An indescribable warmth
briefly flowed through my conciousness as I realized that I had again fullfilled my ageless destiny.


CAT BURGLER


Almost got in trouble today. Came back from trap shooting and decided to do some barbeque on such a nice day. Backed up the truck to the backyard to offload a full propane tank for the barbeque. Had the grill going and had just put the steaks on the grill when I needed to go into the house for some more barbeque sauce. Came right back out and saw a big old tom cat just clamping his jaws down on one of my steaks on the edge of the grill. Dropped the bottle of sauce to take the few steps to the pickup truck to fetch the Citori. Still had a shell in my pocket and put that into the lower barrel. The cat had jumped down from the grill and was trying to haul 8 oz of fine beef away. The Citori closed with the familiar click and the rest was well practiced fluid motion as I put a load of 8's into the center of the tom cat. Got him just before he made the fence. It all happened so fast I had not noticed the neighbor was out in his back yard. I just stood there as the neighbor headed into the house. I continued to stand there until the sheriff deputies arrived. One took the Citori out
of my hand as the other was asking just what had happened. I mechanically told him of the events as the other deputy inspected the
dead cat. He came back with the mauled steak held high. The first deputy then asked me if I had anything to say for myself and I
replied, "How do you want your steaks cooked." He said "Both medium rare, and are those beers cold?". The neighbor went back into his house when he realized the investigation had just ended with no charges filed.


ARCHERY CAT

New neighbor is an archer and a cat lover. I tried putting cat food behind his archery target in hopes that an accident would happen. Well the neighbor started practicing his archery skills yesterday. I put a cardboard box behind his flimsy target and put a new can of cat food on top. That aligned the cat food and the center of the target. He was out this morning practicing early. I was enjoying my morning coffee on my deck when I heard quite a howl start up behind his target. He ran to the target to investigate and found his wife's cat impaled on a new carbon arrow shaft. The skinny carbon arrows go through his target better. He's frantically looking around and sees me. I ask what is wrong and he explains and says his wife is going to kill him and this will end his archery hunting forever. I retrieve a shovel from the shed and give it to my thankful neighbor. He quickly digs a deep hole in the soft flower bed soil and deposits the cat. While I am retrieving my shovel I also deftly retrieve the cat food can. The neighbor is ever so thankful and not aware that he has joined the Shoot-shovel-shutup club. I of course agree to be silent about the demise of the cat. What a wonderful way to start a day.

HAPPY DAY

Happy days! Our garbage pickup service just changed to new trucks. Now an arm comes out and grabs the can and puts it into the truck. I no longer have to worry about the garbage man wondering what is in the can, or why it is so heavy. Hmmm.... here kitty, nice kitty ....


IMPULSE

Driving down a residential street with the usual cars parted on both sides and a narrow pathway between them, I had to stop because a cat was in the road. He didn't move out of the way so I honked my horn. I couldn't just run over him with the high probability of witnesses in the neighborhood. Cat still wouldn't move. Just layed there in the sun. Honked some more and a guy came out of the nearby house. He saw the situation and yelled back at his wife and told her that her cat was in the street again. She yelled back to "Tell him to run over the stupid thing". Momentarily I had a vision of a flat cat but dismissed that quickly, it would never happen. The guy looked at me and said "The cat does this all the time, go ahead and run over it if you want". I had never had an invitation for fun given to me on a silver platter before. My right foot started quivering in anticipation. I said "Your kidding aren't you?. He said "Hell no, run over the POS if you want". An impulse hit me that turned off all civilized logic. My right foot quickly went from the brake pedal to smashing the accelerator. The multiport fuel injected 454 responded like it had never before and all I could hear were the 12.50x16 snow tires squealing and could smell the burnt rubber. The truck launched itself like a dragster and I heard two quick thump thumps as the cat got shredded by the spinning radials. On an adrenaline high I looked back and saw the guy grinning in surprise and giving me a thumbs up rather than the expected index finger. This restored my faith in mankind. There are sensible people out there. Maybe I'll install Nitrous Oxide on the 454 for the next time a cat won't move.


FISH BAIT

Talking to a cousin in Florida yesterday. He has found a new use for cats. Out on the flats he wraps stainless steel leader with several treble hooks around one and then throws it out where they've seen Barracuda. All the commotion from the cat brings in the big ones. Works better than other live bait.
He says the surface strikes are spectacular.

All we got out here are salmon and they don't like cats. I could use them for sturgeon bait.


HIDDEN IN PLAIN SIGHT

Was over talking to a guy about the truck he had for sale. While in his garage I noticed a small pet door built into the side door to the garage. I tactfully asked if he had a cat. He said no, all he had was a big german shepherd that he did keep in the garage, why?. I pointed out the small pet door and asked if he was going to put in a bigger one for his large dog. He said the door was for his dog. I thought I was talking to a nut case until he grinned and said it was for his dogs entertainment. I must have looked momentarily confused and he explained that the neighborhood cats were always nosing around and would come through the small pet door which resulted in entertainment and exercise for his dog. I then knew I was talking to a very
wise man.


SUICIDAL CAT

Stopped at my favorite ATV dealer to look at new models. It is one of those huge places that sells a bit of everything, ATV's, motorcycles, lawn care tractors, etc. The only thing I don't like is they have some shop cats. Kind of hard to concentrate on ATV's when your trigger finger is going into spasms. While I was looking at ATV's in their big glass windowed show room there was a salesman going out to a lawn tractor/mower to show it to a customer. He gets on it and hits the electric start. We quickly found out where one of the shop cats was snoozing when the blood and pieces hit the showroom windows. A woman was standing next to me and about went into shock when she realized what had just happened. I tried to calm her down by explaining they probably have a better grass catcher for that model.


COUNTRY VET

While traveling through Nebraska one summer I stopped at a very rural feed store just to buy a soda. While inside I saw a sign for a veterinarian that had office hours on Monday's only. Next to the sign was a price list for services. For euthanasia he charged various prices. The price for cats was odd, it was only two cents. I asked the feed store clerk why only two cents for cats. He said that is all a .22 shell costs. I handed the guy a dollar and he asked what that was for. I told him fifty cats.

FLAT CAT

A paving crew was resurfacing a street in town when two dogs ran through the crew chasing a cat. This cat hopped up on the roller, what I used to call a steam roller, and the dogs tried to follow. The roller operator pushed the cat off with a tar broom down to the waiting dogs who chased the cat around the roller a few times and then stopped and just barked at the roller. The roller operator stopped his machine and got down to see what the dogs were barking at and couldn't find the cat. He restarted the machine and found the cat had become a "tar baby". The operator started cussing at the cat and got a shovel and dug it out of the fresh hot asphalt. One of the helpers stopped laughing long enough to shovel some asphalt in the cat shaped depression to fix the "chuck hole". The guy behind me honked and I also quit laughing enough to drive on.
I gotta get me a video camera.

FREAK OUT CAT LOVERS

When someone is giving away kitties in front of a store, go back to your truck and get a burlap bag. Tell the nice folks you'll take all the kitties and then hold up the burlap bag and say
"Just dump the sweet little things in here". Make sure your eyes looked kind of glazed over.

SAFE DRIVING

Going north on Interstate 5 this weekend and saw several cars jamming brakes and swerving with one going completely off the road. Braced for a major wreck ahead and then as the cars in front of me swerved out of the way I saw the cause of all the frantic manuevers - a scared cat in the road. The thing was just frozen there. My wife screamed as I gripped the steering wheel tightly. There was no damned way I was going to be in a wreck. I skillfully manuvered my truck and flattened the damn cat.
Am I a safe driver or what???


CONVERTIBLE CAT

Driving down the freeway behind a VW convertible trying to mind my own business. There are two kids in the VW who are making faces at me while leaning on the folded down convertible top. Not a very safe practice I thought. They are frustrated because I am ignoring them. One of the pops up with their cat in his hands and is showing it to me. The cat is not happy and is trying to get out of the kids hands. Before I can react the enevitable happens and the cat comes flying through the air and impacts my windshield. I jam on the brakes and hope the cat will hop off and run away. No such luck. The cat is dazed and tangled up in my windshield wipers. The VW has stopped and I am surrounded my crying screaming kids and noisey parents. The man tries to get the cat off my windshield but now the cat has regained composure and doesn't want anyone to touch it. It is frothing blood at the mouth and clawing everything. The guy is a wimp and I tell him to get the f***ing cat off my truck. His wife tries to free the cat and gets severly clawed for her efforts. I reach into my truck and pull out the bayonet I just bought for a Ross rifle. This elicits even more screams but I don't care. I impale the cat and hold it out for the parents to take now that it is motionless. The kids are freaking out. No one steps forward to claim the cat so I flick it into the bushes along the freeway. As I drive off the family is still standing there in a state of commotion. All this for some stinking cat.

RECYLING

Found a cat sized HavaHart trap at a garage sale yesterday. Took it home and test fit it inside my old propane barbeque. Instant crematorium. It is nice to be able to do the responsible thing nowadays and recycle old things that would have ended up in the dump. I just hope it gets hot enough to do the job.

NEW NEIGHBOR

A cat lover just moved in next door. He is a bowhunter and has already set up some hay bales at the back of his lot for practicing. I have been placing open cans of cat food behind his hay bales hoping that he may have a shooting accident with one of his cats. It is nice to have a neighbor unwittingly do you work for you.

SUDDEN IMPACT

Witnessed an accident last week. A guy dozed off momentarily and left the road at 60 MPH and hit a tree head on. Stopped to render aid and expected to find a corpse. Surpise - the driver survived with only a scrape on his knee. Looked into the car to check for other passengers since this guy was a bit dazed. Saw this guys coat up on the dash and reached for it since it was snowing. Coat felt funny. It was his cat plastered against the windshield and wedged against the top of the dash. No more meow from him. Told the driver and he said "Oh shit, its my wife's cat!" Then a grin slowly came across his face.

SOCIAL GRACES


Neighbor backed out of her garage yesterday and came to a screeching halt, jumped out of her car and started wailing/crying. I went over to console her. She had backed over three of the five kittens her cat had just birthed a week before. She was totally emotional. I tried to think of something to say and blurted out: "Its really a shame you, a terrible shame, if you had been more careful you could have squashed all five!" For some reason this didn't help. I guess I am not skilled in my social manners

SOLID FOOTING

Two neighbors have had a fued going for about a year. The old ladies orange tabby cat keeps tearing up the neighbors flower beds when it shits in them. The neighbor raises flowers for show and gets very angry and yells at the old lady who calls him a cat hater. I don't think he hates cats. He just hates what this cat does. Last year about the time of the spring flower show season the neighbor has related to me that he has got what he thinks is a show winning variety that he intends to patent. The day before the show he finds that the cat has not only dug up the flower bed but has used his prize plants for scratching posts and has killed them. Much to my surprise he doesn't yell at the old lady about her cat. He did borrow a wheel barrow from me that afternoon. The next day he is happy when he returns the nice and very clean wheel barrow. Soon the local police show up at the old ladies house. Curious I watch to see what is going on. An office comes out of the house carrying her cat which is embedded in concrete up to its belly with a flower sticking out its butt. He sees me watching as says "Evidence, just evidence" as he puts the still alive cat into his car.

BAD SCIENCE

A really sick kid decided that he wanted to do research on the effect of acetylene on the internals of his neighbors cat. No, this was not me. He coaxed the cat into his father's welding shed on the back of the property one cold winter day. Somehow, with great patience since the pressure of acetylene is only around 10 PSI he managed to fill the cat's intestinal tract with acetylene gas. Not impressed with his accomplishment he let the cat go. The cat ran for his life with his bloated belly and headed home. We all heated with wood back then in that rural part of this state. As a neighbor later related the tale to me the cat came into the house but would not let anyone touch it. It finally tried to hide behind the cook stove which was going to keep the kitchen warm. All would have been fine if the cat had not farted.
The acetylene ignited and burned back to the cat which now was a partial fireball with rocket assist. The cat ran to the wife who picked it up while sitting in front of the fireplace. She put the fur fire out and again things would have been fine if she had not held the cat as tightly. The remaing acetylene escaped and ignited in one last "woosh" that re-ignited the cat and the wifes cotton shawl. The husband was quick witted enough to douse the flaming wife/cat combo with milk from a pitcher left over from dinner on the nearby dining room table. Despite the cold they kept the windows open in their house to rid them of the smell of burnt milk, burnt shawl, and burnt cat. Not being technically minded they never quite figured out how it all happened. I declined to assist in the investigation since I knew too many parts of the puzzle. I did suggest that my other neighbor get his kid into sports or something to occupy his time. There was one more incident that involved the kid's curiousity with jellied gasoline which is also called Napalm. Not too surprising it also involved the same cat and the same neighbor with similiar results. I've already related that story so I won't
repeat myself.

FAST FOOD

While looking for a house to buy I was checking out some new contruction. While talking to one of the workers during his lunch break a cat snatched the meat out of his sandwich and headed back into the partially framed house to escape. We both heard a single pulse of a nail gun from the other side of the house. His partner walked over to us with the recovered slice of ham and flopped it down on the empty mayonaise covered bread. He didn't say a word. It is nice to see a real craftsman at work. Norm Abrams would have been pleased.


SCIENCE PROJECT

Neighbor kid was debating what to do for a science project. Being HELPFUL, I suggested he build a small version of the catapults that were used in olden days to lay seige to a castle. This would show his grasp of physics and impress his school chums. His Dad said no becuase of the cost. I graciously agreed to pay for materials if the catalpult became mine after the science project judging was completed.
A few months later I got possession of the catapult and used it to launch small things in my back yard. Eventually I got bored with it and let it set idle. Eventually the neighborhood cats began to use it as a jungle gym and got very comfortable around it. I went out and wound it up and set the release. After attaching a long rope to the release arm I put a can of cat food in the sling used to launch various items. While sitting on my back porch I waited until just the right cat came to sample the bait/cat food. Pulled on the release rope slowly to not scare the cat and watched with great pleasure as my investment paid off. Great entertainment. The landing zone is where I've piled up the old barbed wire fencing in the back field. Just a coincidence.


SUBSTITUTE TARGET

Was out in the Crooked River National Grasslands shooting sage rats. Had the 6mmBr settled down in the bags and was carefully lining up a potential shot on a large sage rat on top of a high mound. Watching him through the 6.5x20 Leupold I was just about to squeeze the trigger when he disappeared in a blurr of black and white. Grabbed my binoculars to see what had just happened 200 yards away when I saw a stinking cat muching on my intended target. Since he was eating my target I decided that the cat would make a good substitute target. Swung the 6mmBr into positon and centered the crosshairs on his shoulder area. Didn't see any collar so he
became a qualified feral cat. Gently squeezed the 12 oz trigger and sent the 55gr Nosler
on its way. Made my day.


GOOD NEIGHBOR

I lived in a small town for awhile in a nice neighborhood on a cul-de-sac. Initially I was surprised by
the lack of cats. I saw one once in awhile, but not often. At a "block party" one summer I asked a few
of the neighbors about the lack of cats. They said that someone was killing them and they hadn't figured
out who yet. I thought to myself that there is an anonymous hero in our neighborhood. To be politically
correct and to stay above future suspicion I expressed my dismay about the cat killings and said I liked cats
to my annoyed neighbors. The odd thing about the cat killings is there there never were any dead cats
found, they simply disappeared.

I left for work earlier than most of my neighbors and about the same time as my next door neighbor.
He was a quiet reserved man that seemed pleasant. One morning I had just backed out of my driveway when
I saw the his garage door open. He must have been in a hurry because he had forgotten to remove
the burlap bag that was duct-taped to his exhaust pipe. He stopped quickly when he rolled over the contents
of the bag and drove back into his garage and closed the door. I looked around and saw no other neighbors
out at that time.

That night after work I heard a knock at my door. I was not surprised to see my neighbor standing there and
he was a bit nervous as he started to say "Let me explain about ...." I held up my hand for silence and then
went to the kitchen and returned with a cold six pack and a bottle of Jack Daniels. I handed these to him and
he immediately understood the gesture, accepted his reward and left. We have been good friends ever since.

GARAGE SALE

I stopped at a garage sale at a home near a golf course and was looking at the various things in the owner's garage. I'm always looking for tools and odd things and ignore the piles of clothes and old dishes. I spied a gun like thing leaning against the man's work bench and asked what it was. He looked around and the asked if I liked cats. After I said no, he got a wry grin on his face and told me what it was. It had an aluminum tube that had the same inside diameter as a golf ball. At one end was a lever hooked to a valve that looked suspiciously like a trigger. At the end of the contraption was an quick detach air hose connector.

He said he used it to shoot the cats that come into his yard from the golf course, and the cats he sees hunting
mice on the course. We took it and an air tank to his backyard and he demonstrated it when the fairway was
clear. He said so far no one has figured out what is killing the cats because no one has made a connection to
the cats and the golf balls laying near by. I congratulated him on his resourcefulness and left after buying some extra aluminum tubing he happened to have.

TAKE A KID HUNTING

Driving along some alfafa fields this weekend end and saw three kids stopped along side the road. They were acting kinda odd when I slowed down. I asked them what they were hunting and couldn't answer right away. Finally one kid said "ah, sage rats mister". I glanced out in the field and saw the largest dead sage rat I had ever seen. My binocs showed it to be a rare tabby sage rat. I gave the kids a stern look and got out of my truck. They got a bit nervous then. I reached back in the cab and got four cold cans of pop and gave one to each kid. I opened mine and said "Damn fine shooting". I reached back in my truck and got a brick of Winchester .22LR and gave it to the oldest kid. I told them to keep up the good work and that they ought to bury the oversized sage rat under a pile of rocks in the ditch. They still looked a bit nervous but when I drove off they high-fived each other. We should do all we can to encourage good shooting practices.

CAT IN A TREE

Heard a commotion a couple of houses down the street. A lady was screaming for help because her cat was stuck high up in a tree. The owner of the house where the tree was located was screaming at her to get the hell off his property and quit worrying about the damn cat.
Finally the fire department arrived and the guy was so pissed he refused to let the fire department on his property. The yelling got louder near the tall spindly tree. The guy goes into his garage and gets a chain saw to solve the problem forever he says. He fires up the saw and glances towards his back yard where his three dogs are raising hell due to all the commotion. He cuts the tree with skill and watches it fall very accurately into his back yard. The dogs seem to know what is going on and nail the cat as soon as the tree hits the ground. Suddenly everything gets quiet. Then a slow round of applause starts from the neighborhood men who had watched the events unfold. The guy takes a bow and goes back into his garage.

CATS IN CARS

It has been unseasonably warm here. I was heading home from coyote hunting yesterday. Stopped in traffic for red light. Glanced to my left and noticed a guy holding a large cat in his lap and had one also on his dash. I have seen people with dogs (poodles) sitting in their laps while they drive, but not cats. And I have never seen an animal on the dash. Strange fellow was sort of effeminent. He noted me looking his way and started to smile but probably noticed my camo clothing when he decided to mouth "f---- you". I had done nothing to justify that so I reached down an got my dying rabbit call and blew it for all its worth. As I drove away he was still at the light trying to disentangle himself from two very startled cats.

CAT BARBEQUE

I had just bought a new set of binoculars at a gun show. I stepped out on the back porch to try them and saw the neighbors cat roaming in their back yard. I followed the cat with the binocs until it jumped up on their barbque. It liked the smell of the stuff that had been grilled the day before and was licking the grill bars when it bumped the barbeque's lid and it closed trapping the cat. I thought that was funny and let the binoculars drop to my chest. At that time the neighbor came out and carried the fixings over to the table next to his barbeque. I waited for him to be surprised when he opened the barbque but he instead opened the gas value and hit the instant ignition. He didn't react quick enough when the cat squalled and the few seconds delay ensured the cat was fully lit up when he opened the lid. I'm glad he had his barbque apron on or he would have been scratched to death. For the rest of the summer he always grimaced when I asked him what was for dinner.

CATS AND DOGS

I hope you guys don't mind a few stories. I've been on the planet almost 60 years and have seen alot of goofy stuff.

While living on Oahu in Hawaii I had a neighbor across the street that keep his yard in top shape. He had one persistent problem with his nice yard and that was the neighborhood dogs and cats liked to use it as a toilet. Many times I was drawn to the commotion at his house as he tried to keep offending animals out of his yard. One prime offender was a dumb Saint Bernard. He left piles that were huge. Another offender was a calico that liked to make deposits in his flower beds in his back yard.

I thought I would help him and found a live trap at a garage sale and gave it to him. He managed to trap the cat one day and didn't know what he was going to do with it. We were talking about the possibilities in his garage when the Saint Bernard showed up and was about to leave his pile. The neighbor was a big guy from Guam. By big I mean 400 pounds. I went out and shooed the dog away but the dumb dog headed for the open garage. My neighbor tackled the dog but then didn't know what to do with the dog. I told him to hold on for a minute. I grabbed some heavy gloves and some duct tape and removed the cat from the cage.
The neighbor held the dog while I duct taped the cat's and dog's tails together. We coordinated our release and sent the pair on their way.

When the dog realized what was shredding his backside he tried to rub it off by dragging his behind on the lawn. This didn't work and the dog decided to lighten his load and took a big dump on the furious cat. This didn't work either so the dumb dog headed home at high speed, at least for a Saint Bernard. The dog never came back to soil my neighbors yard. I don't know what happened to the cat.

IN HEAT

My wife's cat matured and came into heat one hot, muggy summer. She chose to hold court under our front
porch which lead to the tom's deciding to use our screen door as a marking post which resulted in large
quantities of male urine collecting on our door. I was new to the neighborhood and wasn't sure what the
neighbors attitudes about cats were so I decided to see if there was one particular offender. I finally
idendified the large bladdered male. He was more horny than smart and was easily caught in a Have-a-heart live
trap. I had a friend who was a vet and I had been taking our female cat to him for several days and he
carefully extracted a good quantity of the female cat's urine. I had him put this digusting hormone rich
fluid in a small plastic spray bottle. When I caught the tom I tied a leash to his collar and liberally
sprayed him with the female-cat-in-heat's urine. I will never forget that odor. Dragging the smelly tom
cat out of the cage using the leash I then tied him up to the post of our front porch. Not knowing exactly
what would happen I waited for the other tom's to arrive in anticipation of a breeding opportunity.

With my female cat safely locked in the house I watched as five or six toms gathered. At first they were
confused when the tom-that-smells-like-a-female-in-heat was resistant to breeding. Their fervor increased
as each attemted to breed the smelly tom. It was like a contest with the smelly-tom being the looser.
I finally cut the leash and ended the event. The large bladdered cat never came into my yard again.

ROBINS

After moving what was left of the winter's hay back from the opening of the barn's loft door I chose to sit on an old crate and watch the world go by as my old bones needed a rest. The robins had been very active in the cherry orchard than ran up close to the barn. The young had hatched last week and by now were quite noisey in the nest near the right fork of the closest cherry tree. Curious as to how big the young were I thought of going down to the tack room and getting the binoculars. My bones weren't ready to move so I instead reached for the always handy CZ527 that I had rebarreled to .221 Fireball. It was a bit dusty from my hay moving activities so I blew the crud from the 3x9 Burris, turned it up to 9x, and leaned against the barn door opening. It was easy to find the yellow beaks of the open mouthed, hungry and still noisey young robins. I had watched them long enough and was about to take the rifle from my shoulder when I noticed a sudden shadow coming from the left. I realized it was a calico jumping from the left fork of the tree to the nest in the right fork.
Years of training kicked in when I flicked the safety of instinctively and without a concious thought released the trigger when the cross hairs were near the calico. The young robins were lucky that my mind was pre-set to shoot cats and guided that 40gr Nosler on its way to
do what it was destined to do.

USES FOR CATS

I think we are all missing out on the commercial value of cats. I know we make great effort t

Ahh the classics.

Ah yes,
doesn't even have to be a good home!

GWB





an oldie but a goodie

How to have a sparkling toilet bowl.

1. Put both lids up, and add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet bowl water.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid). The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet; the cat is actually enjoying this).

4. Flush the toilet three or four times. (This provides a "power-wash" and "rinse").

5. Have someone open the door to the outside. (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door).

6. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

7. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. Both the commode and the cat will now be sparkling clean!

The memories...

Reminds me of the crazyness from yesteryear!
Do not tell my seven rescued stray cats! They eat better than a lot of people!!! If you want a critter to take care of you, rescue a hungry stray and feed them well.

quote:

Originally posted by Swamp_Fox:
The memories...

I remember what when this forum was full of people and stories. Shame it has come down to this now.

Thank you CM for a very entertaining trip thru memory lane.

I havent laughed that hard in a long long time thanks for sharing all those great stories!!!

Love it!

I haven't laughed this hard since I read the story about the guy who tried the stun pen out on himself. He thought it was too small to be of any consequence--he was wrong.

quote:

Originally posted by Grenadier:
Sometimes tragic things can have a dark sort of humor. If something happens by accident then so be it. If a pest must be dispatched, that's understandable. But I condone deliberate and cruel acts performed solely for enjoying the suffering of the helpless.


For example, I don't think what happened to this cat is funny at all: CAUTION: VERY GRAPHIC

Thanks for the laugh Grenadier, made my evening

Wicked...

Rich