An acquaintance with a really twisted sense of humor gave me a gift recently... "Outwitting Squirrels", by Bill Adler, Jr.

I never really tried outwitting the little bastards, preferring to just shoot them and move on. It NEVER occurred that somebody could actually become published on the subject of trying to outwit the little rodents. I say trying because the book has 13 chapters and is in the second edition. It is soooo incredible that soooooo many people are sooooooooo stupid that they need help to out think squill.

It does give me an idea though, and perhaps another book, on the subject of whacking crats is in order...er, "Outwitting" I mean. I figure most of the market would be of the soft fuzzy warm liberals with worm infested brains, which is being generous to a fault as most have no brain for which worms to devour anyway. Anyway, they aren't good at catching the odd double entendre, so it might be an interesting diversion.

"Outwitting Crats" or 101 ways to reduce dramatically the egregious misapproprioation of birds from your birdfeeder by Crats. By Dan

Chapter 1. If you have a problem with neighborhood crats killing rare and beautiful songbirds at your feeders, go down to Wal-mart and buy a Winchester 94/22M, and a good telescopic sight. And 5 boxes of ammo. Hollow points. Return home.

Load gun in accordance with the instructions, then log in at www.accuratereloading.com , register then report to the Small Game Forum for advice on how to adjust the sights, and where to shoot crats for the most rewarding results. Google "Golden Chopstix" to locate Dragon Lady and a host of ideas for what to do with the mangy bird murderers after the results have rewarded you.

The End


I know it's a bit rough, but nobody publishes on the first draft except maybe Stephen King. If you want to throw in a chapter, have at it...the more the merrier I always say!

Can I get a signed copy?

Mr. Digital,please allow me to offer up Chapter Two towards your endeavor.
Gene and Buck used to catch a Possum in a live trap and then gather up their buddies(yes I was invited.)buy lots of really cheap beer and pass around the spit cups.
They would insert a really pissed off crat into the cage w/said possum.Now possum are usually known only for walking out into the road to see what was wrong with their smashed compadre.Hense,two smashed possum.If you haven't seen one fight,you ain't ain't missing a whole lot.
The really entertaining part is that the crat is going batsh*t trying to kickass in a cage with some smelly thing while smelly things outside the cage are cheering them on.
Ole mister possum isn't upset or in a hurry.While his opponent is slashing and biting him all over,Odie is chewing any part of the crat he can get in his tooth filled mouth.(Tyson?)Chewing real slow at that.This just further pisses off the hapless feline and speed and fury is greatly increased.But to no avail.The crat dies either from bleeding off,shock,compound fractures or the beer and tabacco spit being spewed into the cage.
Somehow money changes hands and ya got winners and losers.One upstanding gentlemen told me ,thru three teeth, that this beat the crap outta going to a cock fight.I have been to several cock fights down in the southern part of our state and even to N.C.,Tenn. and Ga.
I can't picture one in Gene and Bucks neighborhood.The mind reels.

PT, Absolutely! Helluva contribution, and original to boot. I never had the pleasure of watching a grinner do the rope-a-dope with a crat. Sounds neat!

Ann, count on it! The very first one, promise!

Now, whose gonna step up to the plate for Chapter 3? And the forward, we really got to have a forward!

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.POTKB.Again

As we have all had dumpster divin' crats visit in the middle of the night, I enjoy the gassless bar-B-Q. Take a 100 FT. extention cord and remove the female end. For you red necks, this should be readily available. Split the wires and atach Hot wire to one galvinized garbage can, size of your choice. I prefer the 20 Gal. size. Next, atach the Ground wire to a #1 or #2 leg hold trap. Bait with tuna of choice. Insert a bagfull of last weeks left-overs,(Any older is just plain nasty!) into said garbage can, leaving about 6 inches from the top of can. Gently!!! place baited and wired trap on center of left-over bag. Put can lid on loosly and prop up with an 8 inch stick. Set feed trap as far from bedroom window as posible. TRUST ME. Plug in at dusk and sleep well, knowing your left-overs are safe. Jeff

I somewhat hesitate to add chapter 5 to Dan's manuscript, as it contains no cat adventures or tales of savage cat attacks. However, since this the SGF and a possum story or two have surfaced just now let me add another tale on the chance that editor D. Dan can use it in his book in the future. It was a dark and freezing cold late December night at NATTC, Millington, Tennessee. I was favored with the duty of standing the 4 hour midwatch around the avionics training building on the next to the last night of the year. Damn it was cold in 1966. The watch officer let me out of the van at 0020 and I was wearing two complete layers of wool pants/ jumper, sweater, watchcap and peacoat. Oh yeah, I had the duty nightstick thrust into a web belt like a pirates saber. It was my job, nay, duty, to walk around that building and guard it. Two hours later, frozen to the bone, I came upon a possum sitting in a little doorway alcove on the dark side of the building. After three muskateering that possum with my stick for a few minutes, that darn thing opened it mouth like Dan's gator, hissed like the CAT from hell, and jumped right for my throat. Trained sticksman that I was I luckily whacked it right on top of its head, ending the ferocious assault. I just left it there. At 0420 the watch captain comes around and tells me my relief was sent to sick bay and I was it till 0700. Damn! Frozen damn! Close to that time, I'm frozen stiff and the possum is frozen dead with its tail curled like a question mark. I took that possum and hung it on the knob of the front door. Then I dawdled at the other end of the building till the watch van picked me up and I was off duty. And that is why I'm not fond of possums.

My hunting buddies(?)went out early morn to deer hunt. One of em had a stand 'bout 25' feet up in a 'sychiemore' tree.His brother put a frozen road kill possum up in the stand the nite before.When lil bro climbed up w/penlite in teeth,he came face to more teeth w/said dead possum.He didn't fall, but dropped his rifle,thermos,and damned near swallowed his little lite.
Oh yeah, and we had to pick his brother up off the ground when all was over.

Well, now I'm inspired to write two! The next shall be called "101 Uses For A Frozen Possum". Ned gets to do the Forward!

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.Possum.Tails

For you folks that like climbing those tall Georgia pines up to the top and have hunting buddies that leave their climbers in the woods, take two of those bright tacks and skinny on up to the tip top. Stick 'em in the bark where they will be seen if you are standing at the base and shine a light up there. Got to have some fun in camp!

Ned, you coulda gone far in the Delta Force!

BTW, when I went out to get the paper this fine foggy morning a 'yote ignored my tropical tee shirt and trotted right by me without even a "howdy-do". Therefore I resolve to continue wearing such garments as cammo, and tomorrow's foggy daybreak will find a 20 ga Ithaca in my mitts when I go paper hunting.

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.TakingCareOf.Business

I remarked on this at BO, but I don't think anyone there understood my comment! derf

A chapter on crat sailing might be interesting.

In the hot month of August a small town should have a crat sailing contest. Essentially this is done by contestants that find and carefully peel crats from the asphalt that have been pressed there by isomers (car tires for those of you in blue states) and take them to the sailing grounds to see who can muster the longest toss. Much like a frisbee throwing contest I would assume.

Obvious to some there would immediately be those that would want "wildcrats" or "non stock" crats....in other words ones that weren't necessarily accidentally on the road pressed by the random forces of soccer moms heading to the store for groceries.

These "wildcrats" or so called "custom crats" would obviously win the contest every time as they have the correct length hair and the best possible shape due to the fact that the pressing was done under more controlled circumstances than the random crats to be found naturally.

Can't you just see the disappointment on little Freddy's face as he's heading to the arena to sail his flat crat and here comes little Johnny with his "Ackley Improved" flat cat and that "all to familiar" smirk on his face?

Let's imagine a scene in the arizona desert,,,A chevy sedan full of crats,,,with a couple of jato rockets attached to the chassis

Okay guys, I know when I been outmanuevered! Just keep talking, I'll keep ghost writin', we'll be rich soon!

Crispy crat and champagne 3 times a day!


Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.LMAO.POTKB

Sail Crats eh! Another problem might arise in the form of Demonstrator Crats. They would insist on political correctness and sensitivity and would likly compete in the Demo-Crat cratagory! derf

derf

quote:

---

compete in the Demo-Crat cratagory!

---

I see no reason why these too can't be pressed flat, dried in the sun and used for competetive sailing. The only concern is that in order to make sure they're flat enough to be good sailers is that the lump must be removed and that means prior to pressing their heads must be removed from their ass.

This post has exceeded my wildest dreams! My most lurid fantasies! The Dow Jones 500! The Indy 500!

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.Wheres.DragonLady

I have always been told that the crat's highly developed balance allows them to almost always land on their feet.
I have heard a rumor that while "tripping" on acid, they lose this ability.
Come on, I know there are a few of you "refugees from the 60's" out there......anybody up for some actual field testing?

Need a chapter on how to light up a crat for Christmas. Every year we used to put up a tree and the dam crat would redecorate it every night. It likes to chew through the cords making them useless. I told the wife next year I am going to string some 220volt cord being sure to leave it plugged in. I am hoping the crat will flash on and off like the other lights. What do you think does it have possibilities for a chapter or am I just so twisted that I only think it others enjoy the chapter and might try?

quote:

---

Originally posted by acsteele:
I have always been told that the crat's highly developed balance allows them to almost always land on their feet.
I have heard a rumor that while "tripping" on acid, they lose this ability.
Come on, I know there are a few of you "refugees from the 60's" out there......anybody up for some actual field testing?

---

If you give a crat a good twisting flip it will not land on its feet but on its head or what ever hits first. Works well for the uncooperative crat that likes to stick its claws into me.

Swede, I think highly of your chapter idea! Keep in mind that we aren't literary icons, just ordinary if slightly bent blue collar workin' folk. Get that typewriter crackin' fella! 338 days 'til Christmas!

Dan

Pres., TYHC

www.HoHoHo.FatMan