Ladies and Gentlemen,

On the last day of our hunt, we usually hold a shooting contest for our staff.
I gave a target to Walter to put on a tree, but, as you can see, he had other ideas.

He stuck the target to Roy's hunting truck door, and was planning to drive the truck a few yards away so the contestants can shoot it. His reasong was he could not find a "flat" tree trunk to tape the target too, so Roy's truck would have to do.

Roy saw this, and as he and Walter are never on good terms, he started giving Walter a good tung lashing.

Walter, of course, gave as much back as he got.

What we need here is for you to write what you think Walter and Roy said to each other.

The best commentary wins.

Walter is the sole judge in this contest, and his word is final!

Roy: "Walter, great idea 'ol boy. My staff, however, has mastered shooting at stationary targets. What say we let them try shooting at a moving target? You drive."

Roy, Walter you drive. Walter, Roy you ride shot gun. Walter - great idea! Roy -They are using the 577 Trex.

Roy - "Walter get that off my truck or I will put it on your back and let them shoot at you."

Walter - "Can they hit a slow moving target?"

Roy - "Walter, if that damn thing is still on my truck while you are driving away, I'm yelling 'FIRE!'"

Walter - "The only person who can hit anything with Saeed's gun is Saeed. I'll be safer behind the wheel of the truck than the person pulling the trigger. The person shooting Saeed's gun is going to wake up tomorrow morning with a black and blue spot the size of a buffalo turd on their shoulder!"

Saeed - [Walking out of his tent towards Roy] "Roy, here are the reduced loads for my rifle."

Roy - "PERFECT! I don't want anyone missing this target!"

ROY: Walter get that #$%^&** target off my truck.
WALTER: What target?
ROY: I know you put it there , now get it off my #$%^&* truck.
WALTER: Wasn't me.
ROY: We've got a picture of you putting it there.
WALTER: Wasn't me.
BOOOOOOMM!!!!!
ROY: Saeed you brought him, he belongs to you. You owe me a truck.

Roy, "Walter, why are you mad at me?"

Walter, "I'm not mad...I get even!!!"



Mike

Walther : "I knew it !"

Roy : "knew what ..."

Walther : That a 416 solid could stop a Toyota inits track!..

Roy: "Eh....."

Walther: Why are you looking blue in your your face and why are you frantically stuffing softpoints in your rifle while you lie in feedle (?) position on the ground humming on a Bohemian Rhapsody?"

Roy : Walther, you have to run fast if the 458 aint catching you again"

Walther, : "I`ll do that , but you didnt tell either me or Saeed that you like Bohemian Rhapsody , that explains a whole lot."

And then they were quarreling the rest of the day...

"Yeah Walter that's right move the target a bit more to the right and bend over a bit more, your shirt's in the way....jorge

Ray- "what the hel do you think you are doing Walter"
Walter- "I needed a flat spot to put this target so we can shoot"
Ray- "dammit Walter, if you shoot my truck I'm gonna put a target on that flat ass of yours and then I'll shoot. And I've seen you shoot, you probably won't even hit my truck. But I can damn sure hit your ass. No get that damn thing off my truck."

Ray: All right you idiot, no one is gonna shoot my truck!

Walter: No one will notice.

Ray: No one will notice a huge hole in the door of my truck? I'll notice.

Walter: Don't worry. I'll fix it.

Ray: There is no way you can fix that Walter! Get that off my truck!

Walter: I have plenty of tape and extra targets. I'll just tape a new one on after we are done. You see how easy it is?

Walter (to himself)...if I cover this hole with this target, Ray will never know Saeed missed the Buff with the T-rex.

Roy: "Walter, I've had just about enough of your s__t. You weren't funny on the first day and you're damn sure not funny on the last. You get that damn thing off my truck and if that tape puts one mark on the door, you're croc bait."

Walter: "Roy, you're an uptight prick nobody cares to be around. As for making me croc bait, lay a hand on me and you'll wish you were grabbing a croc."

Roy: "Oh yeah, your bar-b-que sucks too."

Walter: "Roy, you're gonna die!"

(At this point Saeed and company pull them apart - camera fades to an African sunset.)

Walter, do you know what that truck cost me?Sorry Roy,I thought you got it as a gift from Saeed and AR!

The real story:

Roy: "Walter, what are you doing?"

Walter: "Roy, we can't find a big flat tree for the target, so we will need to use your landcruiser door, and then shift it over there, for the shooting ......"

Roy: "Get that target off my Landcruiser, if we need a large flat surface, you can bend over and we can tape it to your arse!"

Walter: "Well Roy, if you trained your staff to shoot, that will be the SAFEST place for me to be!"


***

Seeing Walter is the judge, it is probably necessary to suck up a little so ....


Walter: "Roy, I need to use your landcruiser to tape the target on, as we can't find any large flat trees. We can move it over to that open area for the target shoot."

Roy: "Well Walter, as I have been negligent in providing suitable trees, we will just have to do that. Brilliant idea!"

Walter: "Roy, you are lucky I am here to help you manage things. What would you do without me? It would be a mess and you would be lost."

Roy: "Very true Walter, I am glad and thankful Saeed brings you over on safari with him each year. You keep Saeed organised and up to scratch, he wouldn't have anywhere near the success without you. Without your coaching on use of his big bore rifles well then ..... If only he would see the light and start using a Blaser, then we all would get more time chasing game. And from my point of view having you in camp makes everything much more efficient. Infact if Saeed said you weren't coming, I would probably say, "Don't bother coming then. No Walter. No safari!"

Walter: "Roy, no thanks is necessary. I know from the look on your face each time I leave at the end of the safari, that you are truly thankful for all my good work."

Walter: "Hmm, I will put the target up here and in this case we will be able to set the target at a desired distance anytime we want."

Roy: "Walter, don't even think about it !"

Walter: "By the way Roy, you aircon inside didn't work either just trying to improve the service you give."

Roy: "You know Walter the next client needs some lion bait, actually he arrives tomorow. Apparently the best way to bait for lion is with meat they haven't tasted yet. And for every hole I will find in my cruiser made from any rifle, I will personally skin you alive and drag you to the baiting location km by km for every hole!"

Walter : "Now, wait a minute who is the client here? If you cannot find me a suitable tree as a ph for us to shoot at then I will have to make a plan!"

Saeed : "Ok, gentlemen lets drive to another location and find a suitable tree since we will not get anywhere with both of you being as stubborn as buffalo."

W: Ha Ha, Zis vill be hilarious.. Hee hee. I vill just put zis here target on ze door of the hunting truck and then tell Roy to line us ze boys to have a little shooting practice... hee hee

R:OK, Boys, it seems our little friend Walter the hog is trying to play a little joke on us... lets see how he likes this... That's right, just hold it tight to yoru shoulder and put the crosshairs on the middle of the target... yes yes, thats it... (What that silly fool Watler doesn't realize is that in Africa, EVERYTHING shot is paid for and well, since it is his license that is valid, we shall make him pay, once and for all for his little jokes...)

And when Walter just gets out of the way, fire!

W: Ok, now let me get out of here before..

BOOM!!!

W: Ayeeeee!!!

R: HA HA HA HA

W: Vat in bloody hell do you zink you are doing, trying to kill me? (Other incoherent muttering)

R: No, Walter, just finishing off your 'animal' you know your shooting has been deplorable lately.

W: Animal, animal? Vhat bloody animal, zis is a truck and that fool shot it.

R: Well, Walter (as Roy approaches the truck, reaches through the window into the glove box and pulls out the sales receipt) seeing and how you were the one ultimately resonsible for the shooting of this truck, you are also financially responsible.

W: ?????

R: YEs, Walter, the trophy fee for this animal is 51,732,000 Shilling. Now Walter, just make ethe check out to Roy Vincent, yes Walter, Roy as in Rogers and Vincent as in Price, Oh! Price, my how funny...

W: Saeed!!!

R: Now, now WAlter, lets just calm down and get a few pictures for the boys back home, shall we. I'd say you've got a real nice one here, much to be proud about!

W: SAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEDDDDD!!!

_BAxter

Paper Target = .02 cents
Toyota Truck = $30,000.00
Offering to use the PH'S vehicle for moving target practice = Priceless!

Roy - "That target's too high. Bend over a litte more. A little more..."

Walter - "How's this?"

Roy - "Stay just like that"

Walter- "Is that-WHOOOO!!!. At least you could have removed te hooded sight!!!!!!"

Roy: Hey, you half-crazed horse's ass, get that shooting target of off my truck door, NOW! What kind of Cro-magnon ideas do you still have crammed up in that piss-ant sized Cretin brain of yours, and on the last day of the hunt?! GET IT OFF NOW AND GET BACK OVER HERE SO WE CAN START THE SHOOTING CONTEST!

Walter: Screw you! I firmly believe that the only good hunting truck is a dead hunting truck, especially yours. I am going to personally show the staff how to correctly and accurately hit this target on a flat surface, and it is going to stay here on your truck door. And after they are all finished shooting, you will have a nice long lasting reminder of me and of all of the shit that you have put me through this year on Safari. Besides, Saeed can buy you a new hunting truck as a tip for all of the so-called fine times and laughs that the two of you have had together at my expense!

ROY ---- OK walter, leave the target on my truck, I figure with you shooting, that is the safest place for my truck.

so far all were dumb except mine

Walter....I think we may be related.

No one thinks like that unless by genetic defect. You can come to the next family reunion.

quote:

Originally posted by shootaway:
so far all were dumb except mine

Walter says yours is the dumbest!

He is having a problem deciding which one is best.

I told him he can wait until Sunday, and then he can make up his mind.

He asked if Dogmatix can help in the selection , and I told him yes.

Dogmatix is our fox terrier!

He did not take kindly when I said if Dogmatix is involved in the selection that means the IQ of the judges quadruples.

Hey, this truck is WALTERABLE

Hog Killer

Roy- Walter get that frigging target off my truck and pin it to your ass. Then when they miss it, they might knock some of the bullshit out of you.

Walter- Roy if your refering to my buttocks, I'll have you know that it is better looking than that damn truck. And, if it was to get shot many women in the world would go into mourning.

Roy: For Christ's sake, Walter, stop being a bloody nuisance and remove that from my car. One more prank out of you and I'll personally tie you up, cook you and feed you to the staff!

Walter: What? You should thank me for this. This is the latest African car alarm system. No one will bother stealing your car with all these holes in it....Plus you can claim money from the insurance company and buy me a new blaser...

Roy saw that Walter has a bad idea, so he goes and asks him: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell me what are you supposed to do?"

Eyeing Roy, Walter says: " I could not find a "flat" tree trunk to tape the target too, so this truck would have to do.â€

The truck's unhappy owner replied, "You must be a genious, to think about that option.«

"How could you possible know that?" asked Walter.

"Because your intention is technically correct but absolutely useless, and the fact is I am bit worried".

Walter: " The fact is you are on my way and now your problem is somehow my fault – you bring me down to a question: which is more important to me - the sun or the moon? - with you claiming to be the sun!"

Roy : "You don`t think so?"

Walter : "No - the moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it and that is exactly what you are doing to me now."

Walter: “It is all set now, good to go.â€

Roy: “What the bloody hell are you doing?â€

Walter: “What now?â€

Roy: “You better not go through with that.â€

Walter: “That is a very flat surface right there and I can drive it over there.â€

Roy: “There is a tree behind you.â€

Walter: “What tree, oh that tree, look at all the lumps on it.â€

Roy: “Are you blind or something?â€

Walter looks at the tree with the lumps on it and admires it, smiling.

Roy: “What are you smiling about?â€

Walter: “Just thinking about the resemblance of that tree and you.â€

Roy: “What resemblance?â€

Walter: “Lumpy kind of resemblance.â€

Roy goes crazy. He grabs Walter’s Blaser R93.
Walter goes in a trance.

Walter: “Saeed, get that nitwit’s dirty hands off my gun!â€

Roy: “Now, you are a bloody gunsmith, you think you can fix this gun after I’m done with it?â€

Walter: “And you are a auto body shopSMITH?â€

Walter: “Something is wrong here!â€

Roy: “Nothing is wrong here except for your sore eyes!!!! Use that tree! And this piece of junk german contraption will be okayâ€

Walter: “What tree? Oh, that tree called RoyLump? It’s leaning…â€

Roy: Walter, what about painting the truck to look like a warthog,and letting you do all the shooting? That way it should be quite safe! Walter: Only if you paint thorns and brush at both ends to make it fair!

Gentlemen,

THE BOSS has spoken, and as usual, he could not make up his mind.

He thought 577NitroExpress and BaxterB's response wewre best.

Again, he has been debating which one he likes best since yesterday he has been trying to see which one should be the winner.

I think the cogs are getting a bit rusty - he keeps scratching his head, ammming, and immming, reads them alowed and laughs his head off, and start scratching his head again!!??

Then he turns to me and says "which one do you like best?"

"Walter, you are supposed to be the judge!"

"I know, but I cannot make up my mind"
"Yeah, what is new! So who is the winner?"
"I think both. You give the winner one set, and I wll give my set to the other one"

"What are you going to do abouit not having a set of your hunting video?'

"You will give me another one"
"You got yours, and you are not going to get another one"

"Then you have to send me back to Roy and Alan so I can enjoy myself without you being there to annoy me and ruin my hunt"

"Roy won't hunt with you if I am not there"
"I won't tell him I am coming alone. So he will have no choice but to take me hunting"

"Are you sure you can handle Roy all on your own?"

"MMMH! On second thought, I better not. I am sure he will find an execuse to use me as bait! Why are we arguing like this?"

"Because you are giving your only copy of your hunt away"

"You have a stack of them over there, why can't I have one?"

"They are all spoken for"
"I will speak to one to, what language do they understand?"

I gave up!

So both of you gentlemen are winners, so please send me your mailing addresses in a PM and I will have the DVDs off to you as soon as I get your addresses.

Walter "Saeed, can we have another contest? Yes! Yes! Yes!"

"What are you going to give them this time?"

"One of my hunting films"
"Where are you going to get one those "my hunting films"? I have never seen you hunt"

"You see, you are being nasty again. I meant OUR hunt"

"Where are you going to get the film from?"
"I will make a copy myself"
"How?"
"On that copying machine"

"You don't know how to operate it"
"I will just keep pressing all the buttons until it works"

This is how Walter "fixes" anything. By trial and error!

Thanks Saeed and Walter, PM sent...

_Baxter

quote:

Originally posted by BaxterB:
Thanks Saeed and Walter, PM sent...

_Baxter

Got it.

Your package prize is already packed and ready to ship by the morning.

I hope you enjoy watching the films.

Congrats to the winners

Thank you for a fun contest.

Saeed:

A PM will be sent to you right now.

Thank you!

quote:

Originally posted by Saeed:
"I will just keep pressing all the buttons until it works"

This is how Walter "fixes" anything. By trial and error!

Saeed, go get a hammer and "fix" all ten of Walter's fingers. This should keep your eletronics safe for awhile. At least until he heals enough to press any buttons.

Good luck,

Hog Killer