Death on safari: the family I lost to a charging elephant
The Sunday Times
June 17, 2007

Kelvin Parker's holiday at Victoria Falls turned into a nightmare because of
a guide's lapse of judgment. He tells of the minute his world fell apart
Ann McFerran
Today, as he does every day, Kelvin Parker will walk for five or six hours.
In March this year his beloved wife Veronica and daughter Charlotte were
savaged to death by an elephant in a Zimbabwean game park. He, too, was
chased but escaped. Such is his grief that trudging the streets has become
the only way he can keep his mind from returning to that sunny morning in
the African bush.

"I still feel as though I'm being chased by the elephant," he says. "Walking
is the only time when I don't feel bad and I don't weep. If I'm not walking
or somehow keeping busy I am hit by this terrible weight of grief and
loneliness."

Kelvin, 53, is a likable, slightly chaotic man who weeps frequently as he
describes how Veronica and Charlotte were wiped out in less than a minute on
what should have been a glorious holiday. For the previous four years, the
Parkers had been living in a remote part of South Africa, but with
10-year-old Charlotte's secondary education looming, the British-born couple
had decided to settle in France, where they'd once lived.

Throughout their somewhat unusual and peripatetic 18-year marriage - they'd
also lived in Japan, Hong Kong and Portugal - the Parkers financed
themselves by renovating houses. "We were hedonists, lotus-eaters,
travellers," says Kelvin. "Making money and careers didn't matter to us.
Life was what mattered."

When they met they were both working for an advertising agency in Hong Kong
and proved the perfect match: "I was good at the big things; Veronica was
good on detail. She was charming and calm; I was emotional and explosive."
Their daughter, whom they called Charlie, after Charlie Parker, was
"exceptional - brilliant at school, an outstanding athlete", according to
Kelvin. "I know everyone says this about their children, but with Charlie it
was true."

In recent years they had spent most of their waking lives together: "I might
be plumbing; Veronica might be cooking or even holding the other end of a
pipe for me. Even our work had a terrific intimacy."

Every evening at 6.30, the Parkers sat down to talk about their day over
drinks and snacks. "Veronica and I would have two glasses of dry white wine
while Charlie had Appletiser. In the school holidays she'd have tea and
bickies in bed with us, first thing. The three of us were completely
entwined." Kelvin pauses to blink back tears: "At least I know that when
they died we'd done everything we could to know and love each other."

Before they left South Africa they decided to make a trip to Victoria Falls,
which Veronica had always wanted to see. Kelvin found a four-day package
deal that included two days of safari in the nearby Hwange national park.
"Quite honestly we weren't terribly interested in the safari," Kelvin says.
"We'd seen lots of animals. But the package made sense financially."

The family loved Victoria Falls and were delighted with the safari lodge. On
their first evening they watched wildebeest, giraffes and elephants at a
nearby watering hole. Charlie enthused: "This is the prettiest place I've
ever been."

At dinner an English couple raved about the lodge's safari guide, Andy
Privella. "He's fantastic," they said. "He took us right up to an elephant
and we stroked it."

Early next morning, on their first safari walk, the much-praised guide told
the Parkers what they must do: "You walk when I say walk. You stop when I
say stop. If something happens I will take care of you."

"He explained he had a rifle, and I noticed he put one bullet in the
chamber, leaving the rest in his belt," says Kelvin.

They set off, in single file, following the guide, who pointed out
footprints, animal droppings and food. They saw giraffes and zebra but no
elephants. After returning to the lodge for breakfast the guide took them
for a drive.

"Maybe what we said on the drive helps to explain what happened," says
Kelvin.

"The guide had been a hunter. We said we didn't like hunting because it
seemed to be about people's egos. On the other hand, we said, you have to
cull elephants where there are too many, like in part of South Africa. We
also talked about male elephants 'in musth', in a state of sexual arousal,
and how you have to be very careful around them. The guide said he thought
that might be exaggerated."

They drove near some woodland where elephants usually gathered but there
wasn't one in sight. The Parkers didn't care but the guide seemed bothered.
"That sucks," he said. At 10.30am, when they stopped by a waterhole to enjoy
a beer, an elephant lumbered into view, about 600 yards away.

The guide suggested he take them to see it up close. The Parkers felt they
couldn't refuse. "We felt the guide would be disappointed if he didn't
deliver for us," says Kelvin. "Maybe this is the kind of people we are.
Bloody stupid, when I think about it now. We did that walk for him!"

The plan was to observe the elephant from an ant hill about l00 yards away.
As they walked Kelvin saw the guide look at the elephant with his
binoculars. "He must have seen large wet patches around its ears which meant
the elephant was in musth and potentially aggressive." But the elephant,
too, was ambling towards the ant hill so that soon they were only 30 yards
apart. At the ant hill the guide urged Kelvin to take photographs. Just as
the Parkers began to walk back from the ant hill, Kelvin turned to see their
guide peering out - "and the elephant saw him", he says.

Only that morning the Parkers had been told how elephants when they're angry
put their heads back, flap their ears and their trunks shoot up. And that is
exactly what this elephant did next.

The guide shouted: "Stop!" The Parkers stopped, whereupon the guide waved
his hands in the air and yelled loudly.

"I'll never understand why he did that as long as I live," says Kelvin,
"because of course it really pissed off the elephant." Then the guide raised
his rifle and fired above the elephant's head - "So he'd used the only
bullet he had."

The elephant charged. "Because I'm at the back the elephant goes for me,"
says Kelvin. "I run, thinking, 'I'm dead'; the elephant is so big and so
close and so fast." In a desperate attempt to outwit the elephant Kelvin
zigzagged. Confused, the elephant stopped, turned and ambled back to the
forest.

At this moment, Kelvin turned to see the guide by the ant hill blubbering:
"I'm sorry; I'm sorry." And near him lay Charlie's white T-shirt. Kelvin ran
over to find his daughter "completely, utterly dead. Poor little thing; her
eyes were open but rolled back. I picked her up and her little head just
fell back. Her life spirit had gone".

Imagining his wife was hiding, he began to search for her. He found her, or
rather her brain, with bits of the top of her skull lying not far from
Charlie. "So I knew I couldn't find her in one piece," Kelvin says, tears
streaming down his cheeks.

Kelvin carried his wife and daughter to the ant hill, sent the guide to get
help, and sat for 45 minutes cradling them in the blistering sun. He says he
talked to them both, telling them, "I'd look after them and get them safely
home. I certainly wasn't scared. In a way I wanted to be dead too. But I
realised if I were alive then in some sense they were too".

When he was rescued and taken back to the lodge he couldn't face seeing the
guide but he felt no anger towards him. "He'll have to live with this for
the rest of his life." And so will Kelvin: "The worst time is when I wake
up. So I have to keep busy or walk."

This time last year Kelvin was in Britain for Father's Day, so Charlie wrote
him a card at her school in South Africa. Addressed to "a really cool dad",
and written in green and turquoise with lots of red hearts, Charlie's card
reads: "Dads are cool. Dads really rule! . . . I thank God for a dad like
you!"

Today Charlie's "cool" dad has found some solace in setting up a charity
called CharChar, commemorating her and her mother, to fund the teaching of
African children to read - reading was one of Charlie's greatest pleasures.

"The charity seems to make more sense than anything else," says Kelvin.
"When I look back I wouldn't change anything about our lives together -
except for that final minute." And with that he goes off to walk some more,
to try to obliterate the pain of his loss.

For more information about CharChar: mail@thecharchartrust.org

The father's account differs in many significant respects from the one recently published by The Hide.

Especially with respect to the behavior of the armed guide - who needless to say comes off looking like a reckless and stupid fool in this story.

There are as many sides to an incident as there are people who experienced it - I wonder if the guide will tell his?

But Mike, they were so human, so likable, so courageous. How could they be so stupid for so long and not be dead long ago?

Power to the flower people!

Bill, I was castigated in another thread for referring to the father as "clueless."

I note that the author of this article was a bit kinder, calling him "likable" but "slightly chaotic . . . ."

BTW, thanks for posting this, Kathi. I have been curious about this incident from the outset.

Life is full of risks. The poor fellow doesn't want to admit that he and his wife were capable of recognizing them, weighing them and making decisions before they ever went to Zimbabwe and The Hide.

In this age of Oprah, it is always the fault of someone other than the victim.

BTW, his story just doesn't ring true, especially the part of "one bullet". I'd imagine that the magazine was full and the guide just put one up the spout. And saying that the only reason they approached the elephant was not to disappoint the guide.... come on! And the part about shouting at the elephant "making it mad"... now that's putting some human characteristics in tembo.... I guess he didn't see Buzz's video "shouting down" elephants?

I feel for the fellow, but snakes bite, bees sting and occasionally elephants stomp folks. If that stuff bothers you, stay in a concrete building and just watch t.v.

Well, I look at it a bit differently.
I think he is a chicken shit and he knows it. That's why he can't sleep. He ran from the elephant without keeping track of his wife and kid? When he returned, he had to look for them?
I'll save my empathy for someone who deserves it.

I think it's ok to empathize with these folks while at the same time acknowledge their denial of responsibility.

Most here are aware of the Treadwell story and how he and his lady friend were killed an eaten by brown bears in Katmai Park. Really, in overview there is little difference between the two stories. Thin skinned frail boned humans out in dangerous game territory with nothing to defend themselves with other than the Nike's on their feet. People putting themselves and others in potentially dangerous situations without possession of adequate safety precautions. (i.e. lets get good and drunk and go boating on the ocean with no life jackets,)

I don't really see the difference between kids in the back yard in New Jersey, outdoor recreation in Alaska, or safari in Africa, I think it is irresponsible to put yourself and others in potentially dangerous situations without the safety gear that in this example we would agree to call guns?

Here in Dillingham I am rarely un armed. Having said that, I think that Mark Young would agree with me when I say that odds are good that I will never need to defend myself or mine with a firearm. However, as is commonly said, "When you need a gun you tend to need it quite badly."

I wonder what kind of societal event we'll have to have to start getting folks to take care of themselves?

It must require some incredible imagination to write a story like that. NOW I know why journalists make the big bucks....
It is really sad to think of the uninformed masses reading this and believing it is the unvarnished truth. I wonder if the father or the author even know what TRUTH means.
Bill

Let him deal with his grief anyway that works for him.

I agree with TJ. No way anything kills my wife and kids without killing me first.

quote:

At dinner an English couple raved about the lodge's safari guide, Andy Privella. "He's fantastic," they said. "He took us right up to an elephant and we stroked it."

Verification of this one incident and quote should be a simple affair and would speak volumes about the veracity of Kelvin Parker's entire story.

I am amazed, but not surprised by the posts so far.No one seems to know the full story, but, of course, are quite prepared to dump on the folks who were killed. Plenty of people go on sight seeing "safaris", and go with an armed guide. Even if you were a hunter, I suspect that you would not be allowed to walk around with your loaded double over your shoulder "just in case" the guide messed up. As to TJ and Tech...wonderful sentiments, but "flight" IS a natural human reaction. It is only when rationality takes over that we can overcome this. There are no grounds to assume that the man in question was a "chicken shit" and therefore morally inferior to the two "Bravehearts" who are so quick to judge. I would HOPE that my reaction would be along the lines mentioned by TJ and Tech, but unlike the two who have spoken so strongly, I cannot guarantee it, never having been in that, or a similar situation.
Peter.

Peter,

I certainly don't think it's my place to argue, but maybe I should explain a little.

I think we are all responsible for the situation we are in. While up river this weekend setting up our fishing camp I had a gun as did my partner. We both had every expectation that the two guns would be nothing more than extra weight, but carried them none the less. It is brown bear country. I have no interest in visiting our Alaska national parks since they all ban the possesion of firearms and they all are brown bear country. And all national parks are just big zoos in my opinion.

It just seems flat out ignorant, dangerous and irresponsible to sneak up on dangerous game for a close picture without a big ass gun in my hand! Frankly I wouldn't sneak up at all unless I was hunting, why push a possible confrontation? I see in the American hunting forum that there has been a child killed by a bear in Utah. Sure, I certainly don't now and may never know if a gun might have saved the boys life, but that incident doesn't make me want to have one any less.

I made the comparison with the Treadwell incident because as with this family and the elephant, Treadwell and his gal thought they could co exist hand in hand with the dangerous game in some kind of nirvana. Whoops.

Very sorry that I raised your ire.

Did the guide really have only one bullet in his rifle? Does anyone here know for sure?

quote:

"He took us right up to an elephant
and we stroked it."

Without casting any other aspersions about the story, or participants; I simply cannot believe that anyone who has spent any time around Zimbabwe's elephants would dream of trying this stunt, let alone a seasoned PH, who'd spent many years around them. I've got to think this part of the story is inaccurate.

As sad as this is, it is clear that a portion of the victim's story has its own spin on the facts. However, it might well be that the prior clients, in an effort to make the drive/walk sound even better than it acutally was, told this gentleman and the deceased that you could stroke an ele if your luck held out. However, anyone with any common sense would know that any wild animal is plainly and simply dangerous, and that is why they are wild. By the way, according to his story they didn't like hunting and he also claimed that they did the walk for the guide, not for themselves. They also admit that they are (and were) bloody stupid. That part appears to be true.

I can think of at least two places in Zim where you can walk up to the elephants and handle them. You can even go for a ride.

quote:

Originally posted by Aspen Hill Adventures:
I can think of at least two places in Zim where you can walk up to the elephants and handle them. You can even go for a ride.

...you forgot to mention "TRAINED" elephant.

I would never consider an elephant 'trained'. They are not domesticated animals, a better word might be tamed. I think even though these particular ele's are tamed they would still easily become dangerous if they felt like it.

Like the bears that Tim Treadwell spent YEARS around, most of the time they probably don't give a hoot about you but all it takes is one change of mind. They always know they are bigger and stronger....

quote:

Originally posted by Peter:
I am amazed, but not surprised by the posts so far.No one seems to know the full story, but, of course, are quite prepared to dump on the folks who were killed. Plenty of people go on sight seeing "safaris", and go with an armed guide. Even if you were a hunter, I suspect that you would not be allowed to walk around with your loaded double over your shoulder "just in case" the guide messed up. As to TJ and Tech...wonderful sentiments, but "flight" IS a natural human reaction. It is only when rationality takes over that we can overcome this. There are no grounds to assume that the man in question was a "chicken shit" and therefore morally inferior to the two "Bravehearts" who are so quick to judge. I would HOPE that my reaction would be along the lines mentioned by TJ and Tech, but unlike the two who have spoken so strongly, I cannot guarantee it, never having been in that, or a similar situation.
Peter.

Its called the flight or fight response. Most people are going to have a fight response when their children are involved. If not and your child dies whilst you saved yourself, well could you live with your chicken shit self after that?

quote:

Originally posted by Peter:
I am amazed, but not surprised by the posts so far.No one seems to know the full story, but, of course, are quite prepared to dump on the folks who were killed. Plenty of people go on sight seeing "safaris", and go with an armed guide. Even if you were a hunter, I suspect that you would not be allowed to walk around with your loaded double over your shoulder "just in case" the guide messed up. As to TJ and Tech...wonderful sentiments, but "flight" IS a natural human reaction. It is only when rationality takes over that we can overcome this. There are no grounds to assume that the man in question was a "chicken shit" and therefore morally inferior to the two "Bravehearts" who are so quick to judge. I would HOPE that my reaction would be along the lines mentioned by TJ and Tech, but unlike the two who have spoken so strongly, I cannot guarantee it, never having been in that, or a similar situation.
Peter.

Peter,

I've stared the grim reaper in the face on more occasions than I'd care to remember. I know exactly how I react to those situations.

Flight is not an option when your loved ones are on the line.

But I guess if you are not mentally prepared to react properly to dangerous situations then panic could very well take over.

I CAN damn well guarantee you that I do not leave my children or my wife in a tight spot while I panic and run away no matter the situation armed or not.

If I was a flighty panicky guy I'd be dead about once a week in my profession.

That is why I don't recommend doing dangerous activities with desk jockies or lily livered sensitive new age city folk. The flighty bastards can get you hurt or killed real fast.

Surestrike: Well put!

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Peter:
Plenty of people go on sight seeing "safaris", and go with an armed guide. Even if you were a hunter, I suspect that you would not be allowed to walk around with your loaded double over your shoulder "just in case" the guide messed up. QUOTE]

Most of the "safari" business is non-hunting and in these cases, carrying a firearm is not an option at all. After DG hunting in Chewore North, my wife and I headed to Zambia (south Luangwa National Park) to meet up with her friends for a photo safari. We were in true DG country and the particular outfitter we stayed with specialized in "walking safaris" where the only person with a gun was a native Park Ranger.

Having just spent the prior week with Ian Gibson in Chewore North, I was very aware of how exposed we were. However, many of the non-hunters in our group (everyone but me) seemed to feel very secure in the fact that the guide had a rifle. Luckily, my wife is younger than I am and could most likely outrun me, so I just stayed very aware everytime someone wanted to get closer for a photo of a buffalo/hippo/ele, etc.

For all of you passing judgement on the author's "flight or fight" response, I agree that his actions seem strange. However, maybe he really thought that the ele was chasing only him and not his wife and kid. However, if he did run without thinking of his wife and kid first, well that is a different story. Also, why the hell did the PH not start shooting his rifle at the elephant while it was busy chasing and stomping his clients????


Tim

delete double post

Lets examine the "Sunday Times" "story". Remember it is a "sensational" story for public entertainment.

quote:

Kelvin Parker's holiday at Victoria Falls turned into a nightmare because of a guide's lapse of judgment.

It is easier to lay the blame on an individual rather than accept elephants are dangerous and even with a suitably armed PH, it is still potentially dangerous as everyone here would know.

The PH however is responsible for his clients.

quote:

At dinner an English couple raved about the lodge's safari guide, Andy Privella. "He's fantastic," they said. "He took us right up to an elephant and we stroked it."

This comment does not relate to the incident. It would almost certainly be with a "tame" elephant and probably from an elephant back safari company. Maybe the English tourists weren't aware?

But it is setting the scene to show how silly the PH was.

quote:

"He explained he had a rifle, and I noticed he put one bullet in the chamber, leaving the rest in his belt," says Kelvin.

Would this self-confessed "hedonist" and "lotus eater" know anything about rifles?

My guess the magazine was full and the PH before commencing the game walk actually loaded the chamber over a full magazine ie the rifle in the vehicle had the chamber empty for safety reasons but the magazine loaded.

quote:

"Maybe what we said on the drive helps to explain what happened," says Kelvin.

quote:

"The guide had been a hunter. We said we didn't like hunting because it seemed to be about people's egos. On the other hand, we said, you have to cull elephants where there are too many, like in part of South Africa. We also talked about male elephants 'in musth', in a state of sexual arousal, and how you have to be very careful around them. The guide said he thought that might be exaggerated."

??? Guess he is trying to say "he was right" and the PH was trying to prove he was right. Or maybe the "evil hunter" let his ego rule him or something.

quote:

At 10.30am, when they stopped by a waterhole to enjoy a beer, an elephant lumbered into view, about 600 yards away.

The guide suggested he take them to see it up close. The Parkers felt they couldn't refuse. "We felt the guide would be disappointed if he didn't deliver for us," says Kelvin. "Maybe this is the kind of people we are.Bloody stupid, when I think about it now. We did that walk for him!"

I think I would take those comments with some skepticism.

quote:

The plan was to observe the elephant from an ant hill about l00 yards away. As they walked Kelvin saw the guide look at the elephant with his binoculars. "He must have seen large wet patches around its ears which meant the elephant was in musth and potentially aggressive."

I don't remember the elephants in Hwange, but certainly in the Zambezi Valley seemingly all the elephants have leaking glands from stress.

quote:

But the elephant, too, was ambling towards the ant hill so that soon they were only 30 yards apart. At the ant hill the guide urged Kelvin to take photographs.

When I was in Hwange some friends ended up during a game walk in the middle of a herd. However see Ganyana's comments on a series of "bluff charges" starting at 60 yards up to 15 yards. If this was the case, perhaps clients running away created a real charge?

quote:

Just as the Parkers began to walk back from the ant hill, Kelvin turned to see their guide peering out - "and the elephant saw him", he says.

Or saw the Parkers walking back away from the cover of the anthill.

quote:

The guide shouted: "Stop!" The Parkers stopped whereupon the guide waved his hands in the air and yelled loudly.

"I'll never understand why he did that as long as I live," says Kelvin, "because of course it really pissed off the elephant."

I imagine the STOP command yelled at the clients was actually because they started to run away.

Parker reports that he doesn't understand why the PH yelled and waved his arms at the elephant.

Anyone here work that out? It sounds very similar to what other PHs do when trying to prevent a charge. Hey?

quote:

Then the guide raised his rifle and fired above the elephant's head - "So he'd used the only bullet he had."

Assuming he didn't have other rounds already in the magazine.

quote:

Ganyana:

Putting a bullet up through the chin into the brain is one hell of a shot! In any case, Andy isn't sure his bullet even hit the ele- The elephant came over the top of the anthill, and hit him just as he fired. I gather (second hand) that he thinks the elephant may have knocked his shot off to one side. He went down and was reloading when (presumably) the back foot caught his head knocking him out.

Another differing account from Ganyana.

quote:

The elephant charged. "Because I'm at the back the elephant goes for me," says Kelvin. "I run, thinking, 'I'm dead'; the elephant is so big and so close and so fast." In a desperate attempt to outwit the elephant Kelvin
zigzagged. Confused, the elephant stopped, turned and ambled back to the forest.

Note no mention the PH was actually knocked over and run over by the elephant. Perhaps the Parkers running off distracted the elephant and it chased them and saved the PH?

quote:

And near him lay Charlie's white T-shirt. Kelvin ran over to find his daughter "completely, utterly dead.

That sounds like the daughter was killed bear the PH, yet "Parker" said he was running away "at the back". An anomaly in his story.

quote:

At this moment, Kelvin turned to see the guide by the ant hill blubbering: "I'm sorry; I'm sorry."

I can imagine the PH was distressed having been knocked over by an elephant and seeing two people in his charge killed.

quote:

Kelvin carried his wife and daughter to the ant hill, sent the guide to get help, ...

Parker takes charge! Wasn't the PH injured? No mention of that either BTW.

quote:

Ganyana:
Andy is still in hospital and cannot be faulted for putting himself first in line to protect his clients- why the elephant didn't stop to finish him and deliberately went after the two women can only be guessed at. The elphant was in Musht and if it was that time of the month...I know that is a problem with female clients and lions but don't know about elephants.

quote:

Ganyana:
Andy had put the anthill between the elephant and his group so that they were out of sight - the elephant seeing them had caused the intial series of mock charges as the elephant closed from some 60 paces to about 15. I would have expected the ele to have come around one flank of the hill and not over the top - can quite understand not having ones eyes and rifle pointing in the right direction.

More comments from Ganyana. And perhaps the elephant saw them, because the Parkers didn't listen to the instructions as is evident in Parker's own account in the "story" above.
ie ""You walk when I say walk. You stop when I say stop."


My comments above are not to "point fingers" or lay blame. Merely to examine the newspaper's story. And newspaper's do "edit" and "re-write" stories BTW.

My guess is these two won't be the last humans elephants in Africa kill seeing they kill local Africans every year.

"The elephant charged. "Because I'm at the back the elephant goes for me,"
says Kelvin. "I run, thinking, 'I'm dead'; the elephant is so big and so
close and so fast." In a desperate attempt to outwit the elephant Kelvin
zigzagged. Confused, the elephant stopped, turned and ambled back to the
forest."

If he was in the back then they, his wife and daughter should have been in front of him.....so how did they get killed? When he was zig zagging? He obviously wasn't watching them whilst running. I won't lay blame to anyone here as it is not my place to do so but you have to question the actions of the guide and why he didn't shoot the elephant.

In an earlier thread, The Hide (where the accident occured in Hwange) issued a statement that the guide did fire and was injured by the elephant.

I think he could have left out the descriptive accounting of finding his wifes brain before he found her. Thats something I don't think the readers really need to know about. A true accounting of what really happened would be a good thing, if not for just setting the record straight, it would show what really happened. I'm not a member of The Hide so I know only waht is written here. Thanks JudgeG for posting that info.

http://www.rangerdiaries.com/elephant-attack-in-zimbabwe/

Another item to always keep in mind is reporters are sometimes not that accurate in their reporting of a story.

I do not know, but Mr. Parker may well be horrified about this version that was published.

It always amazes me that people read an item in the paper and when it is something they have personal knowledge of they find all sorts of errors, yet they tend to believe the following article as gospel if they have no background in that subject.

NitroX, you are over-analyzing this and asking way too many questions.

Elephants are dangerous and stuff happens, don't you know.

Or are you changing course and concluding that the surviving father may in fact be "clueless"?

This is too rich.

Well said, surestrike. I can completely relate.

A truly sad situation. It does seem to have an overtone of victimization to it. The mention of "hunting being about ego" and the "we only went to please the guide" seems to tell the story of the mind set of the author to me. Why do something you don't want to do to please someone you really don't approve of anyway? I believe the world is just a tougher place than the author realizes. I suggest grieve the losses and forget the victim role so healing can accur.