After a recent spell of gut-distemper it reminded me of years ago when a colleague would emerge in camp after a hard days hunting with either no socks or at least one sleeve missing from his T-shirt. If it was a really bad occasion both sleeves would be missing. And if no socks were evident either we knew this fella experienced dire distress.

This made me realize all the more that a stomach attack can occur at any moment specially when you least expect it or least can afford it. Therefore you need to be prepared at all times for most unforeseen circumstances and I started using a handkerchief (hankie) as part of my morning dress.
On several occasions the hankie was a real life saver so to speak especially the day I was followed by the daughter of a hunter who wanted to see where in the heck I was charging off to. A few mumbled verbal threats apparently did not pass via the cochlea to the left brain lobe of this soon-to-be-educated young lady. Extremely out of breath and circling a Mopane tree twice (first time to determine where behind the tree should be and the second time to make sure there were no snakes) I unzipped my shorts and saw a moment of utter fear appear on the face on a once innocent personality. By this time I managed to vocalize a severe thunderous threat which hit a home run on the spot. The hankie was initially used as traditional African attire when I tried to obscure the clear view of certain body parts but at that time it did not really matter who saw what.

Finally I could relax, stare at a far distant spot and concentrate on more pressing issues at hand. That made me set up several personal criteria when taking a dump in the woods:
1. Be prepared at all times. Appoint a volunteer who shall at all times be in possession of a roll of white gold. Death should be a direct result if the appointee forgets to have such valuable commodities on his person at all times. It should be noted that the precious cargo must be in my back pack that he carries.

2. As a matter of common courtesy all going on the stalk must be informed that when the PH starts sweating, his eyes glaze over, he grabs the African Sherpa bearing the white gold and deserts his rifle no-one must follow the distressed person under any circumstances. When the PH issues an audible indication of an impending attack via the colon the hunt should be stopped to pay attention to matters of a natural cause.

3. It is imperative that the trousers be removed completely before the traditional squatting position is assumed. Due to undue haste in the past it might have happened (not admitting to anything) that what was inside and is now outside was deposited inside again – inside the under garments that is. This does not go down well when you pull up your shorts.

4. Face a non-Acacia tree a couple feet in front of you with your trousers in clear sight and out of range of any possible mishaps. At this point it is incredibly important to place the white gold within arm’s reach away from the intended location of the drop-zone. Before assuming the position great care must be taken in removing any sharp objects protruding from the ground which may be responsible for unwanted and uncalled for penetration of the delicates. Care should be taken not to be in striking range of fire-ants. Once the coast is clear, grab the tree (non-Acacias do not have thorns) roughly at hip height. Gingerly start to assume the correct position making sure your Courtney’s are about as far apart as your shoulders are wide while paying considerable attention to your gaiters not bulging too far to the inside of the opposite heel.

5. Start assuming the position while continuously looking left, right and down so as to avoid any nasty surprises not previously thought of.

6. Relax and refrain from any grunts exceeding 75 dB as this may cause concern and a subsequent search party may breech your limited privacy with a video camera.

7. Once you feel like an ocean breeze again rise slowly as not to pass out due to blood draining from the noggin that was forced there due to several severe silent grunts.

8. Once in the standing position step aside as follows: use either foot first but the general idea is to arch your foot away from the deposit in the drop-zone area in a quarter circle to a position 180 degrees away from the tree. This allows you to face the offending item. Now take two steps back and regain your clothing.

9. AFTER your dress code has been restored, rejoin the hunt.

I hope this will be of some assistance to anyone visiting fair Africa in due course.

Reminds me of a hunter I heard about who had such an attack while deer hunting. He retreated and took care of business, but the odor of his discharge lingered with him during the day. Back at camp, he removed his outer parka, only to find that his turd had fallen into his hood while bent over doing his deed, and he had carried it around all day :-)

I know more than a few duck hunters who failed to ensure that their waders were out of the firing line.

I would never trust the white gold to a tracker's back pack. You never know when they may wonder off leaving you looking for a sock or shirt sleeve. I ALWAYS carry my own personal supply in a zip lock baggie in a pant or coat pocket. Never have figured out why the white gold never seems to make it on the "10 Essentials" list.

Pieter,
That was hilarious and also very accurate.

After #7, paperwork is in order before ANYTHING else.
Remember, paperwork must be done before any job is finished.
You must also kennel your dog, otherwise they may come wagging their tail wanting to be petted while covered in bad stuff.
If so, take them through the local car wash.

I NEVER leave on a day's hunt anywhere in the world WITHOUT A LARGE WAD OF THE WHITE GOLD IN MY BACK POCKET!

One time we were doing driven boar hunt and I simply needed to take shit.
It was mighty quick as I didn't wanna stay too far behind
I just put my pants up and grabbed my double 16 gauge and here comes old smart boar sneaking thru the rose brush getting away
So I plastered his ass
That night in pub I had to buy a couple of rounds, as you who hunted in Europe know that anything you do while hunting, you buying

Years ago a fellow teacher was cross country skiing at a park in Anchorage. He had the urge for a bowel movement and pulled off the train into the woods to do his business. When done be resumed his skiing.

A short time later he heard behind him, "Passing on your left" as two young and attractive ladies then passed the slower middle aged gent. As they passed him one said to the other, "Did you see what was on his ski?"

True story.
Cal

Forget the "white gold".

Take one of those small packs of wet wipes in your pocket.

Works much better and you do not have to rely on anyone then.

quote:

Take one of those small packs of wet wipes in your pocket.

I keep them in my truck & my backpack.

And ensure the surrounding terrain is void of any living creatures !!! Take a lesson on the positive identification of the common blister beetles prior to any safari adventure, and if need be perhaps a small nuclear devise can be obtained from your local CIA offices.

Yes, I made that fateful error once.....and ONLY once !!!

Half way through Walters stalk for buff the hunt was "Held up" for a moment while Dylan, the guy who puts the professional in PH, ducked into the scrub for a tactical crap. Seems he caught a dose of Selous belly no amount of big buff could of stopped him from a glorious release. He didn't come back minus a sleave so he must of been prepared as a good PH should be

quote:

Originally posted by Neil-PH:
And ensure the surrounding terrain is void of any living creatures !!! Take a lesson on the positive identification of the common blister beetles prior to any safari adventure, and if need be perhaps a small nuclear devise can be obtained from your local CIA offices.

Yes, I made that fateful error once.....and ONLY once !!!

Don't rem,ind me of the bloody blister beetle!

I had one spit, bite, crawl or whatever they do on you - on the back of my neck!

I had to cut the collars off my shirt to stop them rubbing on me, and it generally made my life pretty miserable!

quote:

quote:Originally posted by Neil-PH:And ensure the surrounding terrain is void of any living creatures !!! Take a lesson on the positive identification of the common blister beetles prior to any safari adventure, and if need be perhaps a small nuclear devise can be obtained from your local CIA offices.Yes, I made that fateful error once.....and ONLY once !!!


Don't rem,ind me of the bloody blister beetle!I had one spit, bite, crawl or whatever they do on you - on the back of my neck!I had to cut the collars off my shirt to stop them rubbing on me, and it generally made my life pretty miserable!

That's pretty much how it is.....my shorts and underwear rubbed the blisters and they spread, suffice to say I could not hunt for two days and lay naked on my belly in my tent. Never again will I fall prey to these critters !!

Do you really take off your trousers/shorts? Wow.

Agree on the wet ones.

The number one thing to do when confronting this situation is the following.

When selecting a large dense thicket to unload your business in.

Make sure the Dugga boys you are tracking are not already camped in there.

Otherwise this can lead to express deployment of payload !

Plus little embarrassment for the PH (no name ) concerned Dande 1987

quote:

Originally posted by Saeed:
Forget the "white gold".

Take one of those small packs of wet wipes in your pocket.

Works much better and you do not have to rely on anyone then.

And make sure the wipes are the appropriate type. Some are serious hand cleaners, while others are suitable for more delicate areas.

You African hunters have it easy. Advanced skill is required when there is no tree to lean against - such as hunting pheasants in a cornfield here in the midwest.

I agree with the wet wipes. 3 or 4 in a zip lock sandwich bag in my rear pocket. Provides peace of mind. Bruce

52 below zero while in Arctic Survival school is no punk either !

This thread is getting way too personal!

465H&H

quote:

This thread is getting way too personal!

Hopefully no photos show up!

quote:

Originally posted by Use Enough Gun:
I NEVER leave on a day's hunt anywhere in the world WITHOUT A LARGE WAD OF THE WHITE GOLD IN MY BACK POCKET!

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!! I once disregarded my personal rule and had to use Zim dollars when taken by an acute attack in the bush. I debated a few moments though about using them as the condition of the Zim dollars were so disgusting that I really didn't want them anywhere near my more tender parts.

Mark

One question...why would anyone consider "taking a shit". What are you going to do with it? I would much prefer to leave a shit!

I am the odd man out. When I am going to be out on all day hunts for a period of days, I adjust my eating habits and other than taking a pee, I rarely get into a situation where I have to take a number 2.

With that said, if I am going to be out for several hours, I take a baggie full of TP.

On other sites I have read too many fellow Texans comment on using their underwear to wipe their butt.

Once a person gets past a certain age and size/physical condition, doing a number 2 in the field is really inconvenient except in extreme circumstances.

Sometimes it's the adjusted eating habits that gets ya. On my first Safari i managed to eat something that sure disagreed with me. A roll of TP would have sold for $50 that day.

Regardless, wet wipes are in my kit along with a tubeless roll of TP. Priceless!

toilet paper for the rough work, wipes for the finishing work.

Actually speaking of African travel
I only drink water on airplane and eat mostly dry food
Then eat sparsely/spartanly when I'm there
Works...