I make a minor effort not to piss off my PH but Jan Dumon, my PH on a South Africa safari in 2002 told me about one client who really pissed him off.

After several days of hard hunting with no results, he finally got the client into a shooting position and whispered, "take him". Several seconds later the hunter whispered, "bang" then stood up. The animal of course bolted. Jan screamed, "What the hell are you doing?" The client replied, "I just enjoy the hunt but don't want to kill anything." You can imagine the PH's state of mind upon hearing that.

was on a bow safari in RSA, the PH wanted to see my buddy and myself shoot our bows to witness our effiency. My buddy tells the PH to set up a target anfd the PH sets it up directly in line with the hunting car ( it was pretty new) we tell the PH better move that target. He replies if you can't hit the target you have no business hunting an animal ....so my buddy cuts loose from 40 yds, arrow goes thru target hits ground and skips up and hits the hunting car smack in the middle of the drivers door. PH says " well you guys warned me, never happen again that was a freak. i cut loose with my own arrow...you guessed it! cut the Xring of the target, passed thru it ,skipped off the ground and BINGO! 3 " from the first shaft in the door PH had a sense of humor..but didn't ask to see us shoot anymore that safari!!!!!

After everything the PH says, spit out a big ole chaw of backy and proclaim "That ain't shit in Texas we got much bigger/faster/meaner/ u-name it, ____________(Fill in the blank.)



That'll do it.

quote:

Originally posted by surestrike:
After everything the PH says, spit out a big ole chaw of backy and proclaim "That ain't shit in Texas we got much bigger/faster/meaner/ u-name it, ____________(Fill in the blank.)

I will save that one for use at a later time. Love it.

In the following story, the PH was pissed because we did not shoot any of the animals by the waterhole.

Walter has always wanted to shoot a zebra. Trouble is, zebras have not been very co-operative.

So we decided to help our friend.

My wife bought a blanket that looked like a zebra skin in Dubai, and we took it with us to Zimbabwe.

The idea was to make a frame, and put the blanket on it, and then get Walter to shoot it.

A few days into the safari, we took the blanket with us, and on the way home before lunch, we made the frame and put the blanket on it. Hiding most of it with branches and leaves about 100 yards from the waterhole, in the trees.

The idea was to bring Walter in the afternoon, and it was up to the PH to find the "zebra" for him to shoot.

WE went back to camp and had our lunch, and walter was informed that we have found where a herd of zebra has been frequenting a certain waterhole.

He normally likes to have a siesta after lunch, but that day, he kept pestering us to "get a move on so we can get the zebra before they went feeding".

We went back to that waterhole, stopping the truck about 300 yards from the waterhole.

I said to Walter "It is all yours now. Whatever animal we find, you shoot it. Unless it is an eland or buffalo, then you leave them to me"

Walter "Zebra! Zebra! Zebra! We are going to see nothing but zebra. And I will get my zebra skin. My very OWN zebra skin, not like those you keep giving me every year. All full of holes!"

He was referring to one of teh previous years, as we found some zebra, and he asked me to go shoot one for him, as his wife wanted a zebra blanket.

I killed the zebra with one shot, and then fired a few shots into teh ground. He came over and lokked around.

Walter "Where is the other ones?"
Me "Other what?"
Walter "Zebras?"
Me "We only shot one!?
Walter "You mean all those hots are in my blanket? Bloody hell, it must be full fo holes now"

As we approached the water hole, Roy was glassing to see whatever was there, and slowly turned his attention to where our "zebra" was.

He turned back to us, and mouthed the word ZEBRA! Then got down on his hands and knees and started crawling in that direction.

Walter did the same, with me a coulpe of yards behind.

Roy's performance, if this was Hollywood, would have gotten him an Oscar.

He crawled and stopped, glassed a bit, then crawled on a few feet and stopped. He was trying to get the best position for Walter.

Walter was sticking to Roy.

Roy sloowwly put the shooting sticks up, and got Walter onto them.

It took him a few minutes to make Walter see the "zebra", and then BAG!

The zebra did not move.

Roy "He is still standing there! Shooting him again!"

BANG Walter obliged!

By this time, I was already rolling on the ground.

The penny dropped, and Walter was not very happy at all.

I ran off to the "zebra", and found two bullets holes smack in the middle of his stomach! I put some stage blood on the bullet holes.

Walter, Roy and the rest of the gang arrived. None was being spared from Walter's insults.

Roy "Just as well this was not a real zebra, otherwise we would be chasing it for the rest of the day!"

Walter, laughing his head off as he saw the blood "Roy, come here and look at my magic rifle - he shoots a Blaser R93! - it got blood out of a blanket! Now you shoot it with your 460 Weatherby, and see if you can get it to bleed!"

He started kissing his rifle, took the blanket off its frame, spread it down on the ground, and lay down on it. Saying"

"This is the best zebra blanket anyone could have. It is ready for use instantly! Not like those bloody one you lot shoot."

One event comes clearly to my my mind. It happened on my birthday a few years ago. While stalking Zebra for a couple miles and closing the distance with them very near in the bush in front of us we could hear their calls and I knew the shot was coming very soon. While nearing the section of thicker bush ahead of us a group of warthogs began trotting across and I stopped hoping to have them pass by without spooking the Zebra. One of the two hunters with me was about 5-7 feet behind me and just slightly to my left. He appearantly thought it was a good idea to shoot one of the warthogs without any concern for my hearing or even saying a word. The felt concussion against my back and neck was significant. All I knew is the brains on the left side of my skull had moved to the right side in one hella big hurry and compressed my thoughts for several hours.

To say I was pissed would have been an understatement. Having a fella shoot near your head without warning at an animal we were not hunting at the time, after all the effort we had made to follow the tracks for as long as we had was just a bit annoying! My ears rang for a day or two and he and I never really saw the hunt "eye to eye" after that event. He seemed to find fault with everything we did, go figure.

This event still seems wierd to me. I always remember I was close to being shot on my own birthday!

Very funny Zebra story Saeed!

JJ, I don't know what recourse you would have with that hunter but it would of been nice if you could have sent him home. I would of been very concerned about everyone's safety for the rest of the hunt.

John

From hilarious to dangerous in two posts.

Saeed, my Blasers will actually skin, butcher, season and cook the game I shoot with them, so I can understand Walter's attachment to his fine, well-engineered German rifle.

JJ, I commend you on your patience and diplomacy. You would have been justified if you had acted very harshly towards that idiot.

This happened in 1994. We were hunting at Westwood Safaris, whose camp was right on the Zambezi River.

We finally managed to persuade our friend Walter to shoot a buffalo!

Walter "OK Roy, you have failed to find me a zebra to shoot, you have failed to find me a warthog to shoot. Now do you think you can find me a buffalo I can shoot?"

"We found plenty of zebra and plenty of warthogs. The problem was you taking half an hour to shoot the bloody things!"

Roy said he will go out in the morning to look for one of the old dugga boys that hang around the river close to camp. Once he finds one, he will come back and take us to it.

It wasn't long before Roy was back, with a big smile on his face. He found a buffalo bull very close to camp. It was cloudy and a bit chilly, so Walter had his leather jacket on, and cowboy hat.

He went off with Roy and Alan, with me and Walter's son following the a few yards behind.

They got to about 50 yards from the buffalo, Roy put the shooting sticks up, and put his fingers in his ears.

Walter put his rifle on the shooting sticks, and we waited for the shot.

About 30 seconds later, Walter takes the rifle off the shooting sticks, lays it down on the ground, takes his jacket off, picks the rifle, and places it back on the shooting sticks.

Another 30 seconds pass, he then takes the rifle off, puts it on the ground, takes his hat off, puts it on the ground, picks the rifle up, and just as he was about to put it on the shooting sticks, the buffalo takes off!

Roy went ballistic! He was screaming at Walter, and teh few words we caught were "....If you want to do a striptease, do it in the camp, NOT while hunting buffalo...."

Walter afterwards told us he was getting nervous, and was making sure that he was in a very comfortable position before he shot the buffalo!

He did manage to shoot one teh next day, but he was not allowed to take either his hat or leather jacket with him.

Walter manages to screw things up without even trying!

He called a few minutes ago, complaining the he was not able to get onto the site.

So I logged in using his log in ID and password, and forgot to log out and back in again with my own.

Hence the above post is under his name.

I am not a PH but agreed to guide a guy on a deer hunt near home. This was prompted by the other thread on PHs pissing off the clients.

I don't ever want to see a mobile phone on a hunt again!!!!!

This guy used to SMS or text his wife, who was holidaying a few hundred kms away, every 10 minutes, and we would get an annoying BEEP BEEP everytime he received one back. Sometimes in the middle of a stalk or while watching a QUIET herd and seeing if any stags were about. Needless to say a loud BEEP BEEP usually sent the whole herd packing.

We did not get a good stag because of this and also because the guy was too slow making his mind up for a shot. Stalking wild deer is not like sitting in a hochsitz and endless time to make up one's mind if it is good enough. A mate takes the binoculars off the client and says, you shoot when I tell you it is good enough, for this reason.

Also NO fffffing mobile phones in future!

Just had a scary thought ... Walter getting down to his lingerie to get comfortable before pulling the trigger ... Too weird!!! I am now having serious questions about Walter's sanity. Why do you put up with it Saeed?

Walter, you must surely have some dirt on Saeed, else how could you coerce him into putting up with your shenannigans? Or are you just crazy and he feels sorry for you?