As we progress into 2018, I want to thank you for
your educational e-mails over the past year. I am
totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I can no longer open a bathroom door without using
a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in
my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can
only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been
driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I
can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have
consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.

I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo
in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet
sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for
the same reason.

I can't have a drink in a bar because I fear I'll wake up
in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell
like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water
in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me..

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan ..

Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice I can't ever pick up a dime coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

P.S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet..

NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…

And I can no longer drink coffee, cause California says it causes cancer.

Grizz

True story this. I have lived in this back woods hill country community for over 50 years. We NEVER needed police action.No all these assholes are movin in + we now have a major police force in this little town (+forced to pay for it as well)I the past,you just shot them + then let the law clear the smoke.A true good case in point was when we were sitting in the coffee shop (about 40 years ago).someone comes in + asks the constable to fix something.Now Lee Hays was Illiterate but drove a 59 faded red Impala w/ a little cherry on the dash.Anyway,we were sitting in the coffee shop (Wandas Cafe)when some concerned citizens(probably Baptists) came up + told Lee that there were HIPPIES SKINNY DIPPING IN THE BLUE HOLE OF THE RIVER.So he gets up,drives down to the river,takes off the little cherry + his gun + his badge,then goes down to the river + tells the kids, "Hey kids someone just called the law on you. You'd better scram." They did + guess what......NO ONE had to go to jail or be fucked with in any manner shape or form. Now that is what I call REAL police work.

was it at hippie hollow?

No,it was just the river south of town.And truthfully as long as there were no kids around,who cares?Hell.we were all born naked but I don't subject anyone to observe anything they don't want to see. I did like his solution however.That was my point.

Oh yea John,I am familiar with Hippie Hollow on lake Travis (they even have state road signs designating the spot).Truth be told;the main folks that show up are the pervs that are in the bushes trying to look at naked women.I personally did my bit in 1980 by taking a fine lady out onto a flat rock overlooking the lake under a full moon + did what comes natural.

u went fisihing??

A lady told me that the way to tell if a Texican is a real gentleman is if he takes his rodeo buckle off before he does you.

quote:

And I can no longer drink coffee, cause California says it causes cancer

Of course you can! Keep drinking it! Cigarette smoking can cause lung cancer. So what, keep smoking! Has California banned drinking coffee?
Peter.

I use quite a bit of 50/50 lead solder in my business + the price has gone through the roof due mainly by all the warning labels that state that in California it has been proved to cause cancer. Just another price hike.

The government has spent the last few years destroying the tobacco industry because it causes cancer but will ok marijuana

quote:

Originally posted by Rolland:
The government has spent the last few years destroying the tobacco industry because it causes cancer but will ok marijuana

Ain't that the truth.


Grizz

I'm not a marijuana advocate,however there has been recent findings that seem to find that pot smoking in some situations reverses the cancer effects of cigarette use. Norton,you're an M.D. any info?