My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffered from mental illness. I said, "No, we all seem to enjoy it."


I thought growing old would take longer.


My bucket list: keep breathing.


Camping: where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person.


Just once, I want a user name and password prompt to say, "Close enough."


Being an adult is the dumbest thing I have ever done.


I'm a multitasker. I can listen, ignore and forget all at the same time!


Retirement to do list: Wake up. Nailed it!


Went to an antique auction and people were bidding on me.


People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full, miss the point. The glass is refillable.


I don't have grey hair; I have wisdom highlights.


Sometimes it takes me all day to get nothing done.


I don't trip, I do random gravity checks.


My heart says chocolate and wine, but my jeans say, please, please, please eat a salad!


Never laugh at your spouse's choices. You are one of them.


One minute you're young and fun. The next, you're turning down the car stereo to see better.


I'd grow my own food if only I could find bacon seeds.


Losing weight doesn't seem to be working for me, so from now I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.


My body is a temple; ancient and crumbling.


Common sense is not a gift. It's a punishment because you have to deal with everyone else who doesn't have it.


I came. I saw. I forgot what I was doing. Retraced my steps. Got lost on the way back. Now I have no idea what's going on.

I'm definitely stealing some of these!

Yup, to the stealing.

I like the one about my wife's choices!

Me too!

Hell yes...I'll borrow some of these, but will probably forget to return them...

Return what?