The Irish Invasion Of France Called Off

23 April 2022, 01:30

The Irish Invasion Of France Called Off

The French president was sitting in his office when his phone rang.

“Hallo, Mr. Macron!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing you to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon Treaty!”

“Well Paddy,” Macron replied. “How big is your army?”

“Right now,” said Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbor Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!”

Macron paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

“Begorra!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on, we have managed to get us some infantry equipment.”

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Macron asked.

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

Macron sighed, amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

“Saints preserve us!” said Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. “Mr. Macron, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

Macron was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes, my military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites, and since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” said Paddy. “I will have to ring you back.”

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Macron! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” said Macron. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

“Well,” said Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.”