I used to have a manager who came up with this one:

"I'm stuck between the devil and a hard place."


My mother created this one:

"Oh, he's just putting your leg on."

(Combining "Putting you on" and "pulling your leg").

Does the Pope s__t in the woods? Is a bear Catholic?

Cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey.
This is an actual naval term but has other uses as well

if you don't care where you are, then you ain't never lost

she's so fat that she can jump up in the air and get stuck

there's too many cattle tanks in texas to ever have to pay for a divorce

her butt looks like two coons fightin in a tow sack

it's colder than a whore's heart

this is harder than a preacher's pecker

she's so fat that when God said "let there be light", he had to first say "get outta the way woman!!"

Any plan that starts out with
(First we gotta get a dead cat)