YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM WEST VIRGINIA WHEN...

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front
of her kids.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. Jack Daniel's makes your list of "most admired people."
6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
9. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
10. Your junior prom had a daycare.
11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen
start your engines."
12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its
wheels.
14. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
16. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
House of Tattoos.
17. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against
it.
18. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
19. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
20. Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
21. If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on
the side....
23. If your working TV sits on top of your non-working T.V...
25. If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...
26. If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart...
27. If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings
you home...
29. If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratchier
30. If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin'?"
32. If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph...
33. If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you
take them out to see what it is...
34. If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said
concentrate...
35. If you've ever been too drunk to fish.
36. If you don't understand why the first 35 above are not funny.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM CALIFORNIA WHEN:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.
3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a
conversation in English.
4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is
named Breeze.
5. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.
7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are
grown and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian
8. You know which restaurant serves the freshest arugula.
9. You can't remember....is pot illegal.
10. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.
11. A low speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
12. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.
13. A man gets on the bus in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps. You don't even notice.
14. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30am at Starbucks wearing the
baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney, really IS
George Clooney.
15. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.
16. Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay, the woman who delivers your mail is into S &M, and your Mary Kay rep is a guy in drag.
17. You can't remember...is pot illegal?
18. Its barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH 2003."
19. You have to leave the big company meeting early because Billy Blanks
himself is teaching the 4:00pm Tae Bo class.
20. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all
busy with their cells or pagers.
21. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour
early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.
22. Hey!!!! Is Pot Illegal????
23. Both you AND your dog have therapists.
24. The Terminator IS your governor!

Aspen, We hillbillies also cheered the bad guys in 'Deliverance.'
I think my sister married one of em.

MORTIE for PRESIDENT