These are from a book called "Disorder in the American Courts", and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

_________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Hamdeni

CLASSICS!!!

Emailed it to my brother, who has dozens and dozens of people in his Address Book. You will probably get it in your Inbox in a few weeks...

Defence Attorney:
> Will you please state your age?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> I am 76 years old.
>
> Defence Attorney:
> Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring
> evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside
> me.
>
> Defence Attorney:
> Did you know him?
>
> Little Old Lady: !
> No, but he sure was friendly.
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He started to rub my thigh.
>
> Defence Attorney:
> Did you stop him?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I didn't stop him.
>
> Defence Attorney:
> Why not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 20 years ago.
>
> Defence Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> He began to touch my breasts.
>
> Defence Attorney:
> Did you stop him then?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> No, I certainly did not!
>
> Defence Attorney:
> Whyever not?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> His touching made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in
> years!
>
> Defence Attorney:
> What happened next?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Well, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me,
> young man. Take me now!"
>
> Did he take you?
>
> Little Old Lady:
> Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the
> bastard!