A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over,
there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said .... Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

quote:

Originally posted by billinthewild:


And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have nothing to play with.

I heard that one from Redd Foxx, it's one of my favorite one liners

I told my dad, I'm tired of running in circles! So he nailed my other foot to the floor. - R. Dangerfield


Alan

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, "No, but I did get the license number".

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

I'm so ugly... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

The way I heard it:

We were so poor that my mother cut a hole in my pants pocket so I'd have something to play with.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ...but he pulled through.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they can hide.

On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like me.Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.