13 October 2005, 20:36
YUMANHISTORY LESSON
Important history lesson omitted in public schools...
History began some 12,000 years ago. Humans existed as
members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the winter
and would go to the coast to live on fish and lobster
in the summer.
The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These
were the foundations of modern civilization, and
together were the catalyst for the splitting of
humanity into two distinct subgroups: Liberals &
Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that
was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass
bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while
our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting
for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the
brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals
to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This
was the beginning of what is known as "the
Conservative movement."
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting,
learned to live off the conservatives by showing up
for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching
and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually
evolved into women. The rest became known as
"girlymen."
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the
domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy
and group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting
to decide how to divide the meat and beer that
conservatives provided.
Over the years, conservatives came to be symbolized by
the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the
elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added),
but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water.
They eat raw fish but like their beef well done.
Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal
fare.
Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of
their women have higher testosterone levels than their
men.
Most social workers, personal injury attorneys,
journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists, are liberals. Liberals invented the
designated hitter rule because it wasn't "fair" to
make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks,
construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, soldiers, athletes,
and generally, anyone who works productively outside
government.
Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to
"govern" the producers and decide what to do with the
production! Liberals believe Europeans are more
enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the
liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were
coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West
was tame and created a business of trying to get more
for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history. Now you
know everything that's really important...........
