25 August 2004, 14:27
Bad Ass WallaceEnglish, Kiwi, Irish, German, French, Kiwi, American, Bongolese, Trapese, Japanese and one big *ese etc. etc. I am very impressed! Which helps to explain this little gem;
WE ARE ONE
We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas
and the occasional wanker. We come from many lands
(although a few too many of us come from New Zealand),
and although we live in the best country in the world,
we reserve the right to b*tch and moan about it
whenever we bloody like. We are One Nation but divided
into many States.
First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who
didn't believe in lesbians. Victoria is the realm of
Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and
big horse races. Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief
marketing pitch is that "it's liveable". At least
that's what they think. The rest of us think it is too
bloody cold and wet.
Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts,
macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and
millions of dancing queens. Its capital Sydney has
more queens than any other city in the world and is
proud of it. Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers that
pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left
and right sides of their brains separate.
Down south we have Tasmania, a State based on the
notion that the family that bonks together stays
together. In Tassie, everyone gets an extra chromosome
at conception. Maps of the State bring smiles to the
sternest faces. It holds the world record for a single
mass shooting, which the Yanks
can't seem to beat no matter how often they try.
South Australia is the province of half-decent reds,
a festival of foreigners and bizarre axe murders. SA
is the state of innovation. Where else can you so
effectively reuse country bank vaults and barrels as
in Snowtown, just out of Adelaide (also named after a
queen). They had the Grand Prix, but lost it when the
views of Adelaide sent the Formula One drivers to
sleep at the wheel.
Western Australia is too far from anywhere to be
relevant. It's main claim to fame is that it doesn't
have daylight saving because if it did, all the men
would get erections on the bus on the way to work. WA
was the last state to stop importing convicts and many
of them still work there in the government and
business.
The Northern Territory is the red heart of our land.
Outback plains, sheep stations the size of Europe,
kangaroos, Jackaroos, emus, Uluru, and dusty kids with
big smiles. It also has the highest beer consumption
of anywhere on the planet and its creek beds have the
highest aluminium content of anywhere too. Although
the Territory is the centrepiece of our national
culture, few of us live there and the rest prefer to
flyover it on our way to Bali.
And there's Queensland. While any mention of God
seems silly in a document defining a nation of half
arsed sceptics, it is worth noting that God probably
made Queensland, as its beautiful one day and perfect
the next. Why he filled it with dickheads remains a
mystery.
Oh yes and there's Canberra. The less said the better.
We, the citizens of Oz, are united by Highways, whose
treacherous twists and turns kill more of us each year
than murderers. We are united in our lust for
international recognition, so desperate for praise we
leap in joy when a rag tag gaggle of corrupt IOC
officials tells us Sydney is better than Beijing. We
are united by a democracy so flawed that a political
party albeit a redneck gun toting one, can get a
million votes and still not win one seat in Federal
Parliament. Not that we're whingeing, we leave that to
our Pommy immigrants.
We want to make "no worries mate" our national phrase,
"she'll be right mate" our national attitude and
"Waltzing Matilda" our national anthem (so what if
it's about a sheep-stealing crim who commits suicide).
We love sport so much our newsreaders can read the
death toll from a sailing race and still tell us who's
winning.
And we're the best in the world at all the sports that
count, like cricket, netball, rugby league and union,
AFL, roo shooting, two up and horse racing.
We also have the biggest rock, the tastiest pies, and
the worst dressed Olympians in the known universe.
Only in Australia can a pizza delivery get to your
house faster than an ambulance. Only in Australia do
we have bank doors wide open, no security guards, or
cameras but chain the pens to the desk.
Stand proud Aussies - we shoot, we root, we vote. We
are girt by sea and pissed by lunchtime.
Even though
we might seem a racist, closed minded, sports obsessed
little people, at least we feel better for it.I am, you are, we are one Australian & New Zealand!
P.S We also shoot and eat the two animals that are on
our National Crest!!!! No other country has this
distinction!
27 August 2004, 05:35
whtailtakerBAW
I like your summary of the Natives
FROM A TAMPA FLA NEWSPAPER
Will we still be the Country of choice and still be America if we continue to make the changes forced on us by the people from other countries that came to live in America because it is the Country of Choice??????
Think about it. .
All I have to say is, when will they do something about MY RIGHTS? I celebrate Christmas, but because it isn't celebrated by everyone, we can no longer say Merry Christmas. Now it has to be Season's Greetings. It's not Christmas vacation, it's Winter Break. Isn't it amazing how this winter break ALWAYS occurs over the Christmas holiday? We've gone so far the other way, bent over backwards to not offend anyone, that I am now being offended. But, it seems that no one has a problem with that.
This says it all!
This is an editorial written by an American citizen, published in a Tampa newspaper He did quite a job; didn't he? Read on, please!
IMMIGRANTS,
NOT AMERICANS,
MUST ADAPT.
I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we
are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, we have experienced a surge in patriotism by the majority of Americans. However, the dust from the attacks had barely settled when the "politically correct" crowd began complaining about the possibility that our patriotism was offending others.
I am not against immigration, nor do I hold a grudge against anyone who is seeking a better life by coming to America. Our population is almost entirely made up of descendants of immigrants. However, there are a few things that those who have recently come to our country, and apparently some born here, needs to understand. This idea of America being a multicultural community has served only to dilute our sovereignty and our national identity. As Americans, we have our own culture, our own society, our own language and our own lifestyle. This culture has been developed over centuries of struggles, trials, and victories by millions of men and women who have sought freedom.
We speak ENGLISH, not Spanish, Portuguese, Arabic, Chinese, Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to become part of our society, learn the language!
"In God We Trust" is our national motto. This is not some Christian, right wing, political slogan... We adopted this motto because Christian men and women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly documented.
It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture.
If Stars and Stripes offend you, or you don't like Uncle Sam, then you should seriously consider a move to another part of this planet. We are with our culture and have
no desire to change, and we really don't care how you did things where you came from. This is OUR COUNTRY, our land and our lifestyle. Our First Amendment gives every citizen the right to express his opinion and we will allow you every opportunity to do so. But once you are done complaining, whining, and griping about our flag, our pledge, our national motto, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of one other great American freedom,
THE RIGHT TO LEAVE.
), what are the ancestral origins of other members?
). One ancestor was an English-born Canadian fur trapper who took a Shoshone women for a wife (cold blooded, not as cold as Innuit though 
).
